Reply To Mikhail Labkovsky

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Volokhov Mikhail Source: www.b17.ru

Publishing advice from smart people is a modern trend today. Advice can be about everything in the world, and from everything in the world (as well as for everything). It happens that advice is given in a veiled form, like wise quotes. But if there are many of them in one place, then the veil usually falls off, and a set of quotes turns … turns … into a set of advice, and pictures of the right life. Let's try to introduce a little postmodernism into the harsh directivity of this shocking. We bring to your attention 20 shocking quotes by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, which caused so much controversy. There are no indifferent people: someone completely accepts them, someone rejects them with indignation.

Yes, something like this. No one is indifferent. Someone walks by, others get involved in "holivar". Depends, of course, on the author. And since the psychologist, our namesake, Mikhail Labkovsky, is definitely a smart, experienced and knowledgeable person, we decided not only to comment, but to make an article based on his wise thoughts. And although we have already written, how we treat all different kinds of advice. We decided to spend a little of our time on this work. Moreover, the source material is really decent, with the exception of the last tip. Because the psychologist Labkovsky has one drawback against the background of his many advantages. A very strange attitude towards family psychology, couples therapy. In general, if you were looking for intrigue, then here it is right away - a stupid quote: No. 19, about a family.

… And for those, and for others, his words have tremendous power. They are based on "healthy cynicism" and many years of experience.

Well, since there are no ideal people, we will allow ourselves to comment on cynicism and slightly adjust the experience based on ours. So, an article by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, published on the pages of Internet publications, came under analysis.

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1. A healthy person does not want to get married. The first thing you should do is stop wanting to get married. In other words, if you want to get married, you need to stop thinking about it, devalue the idea itself.

A useful tip, by the way. It is clear that no one offers you the desire to start a family. And it’s hardly real. It's not so easy to get overwhelmed, especially when you really want to. Try it if you don't believe it. The theory is simple: desires are the realm of affect. Evaluation of desires as wrong, and an attempt to crush or devalue them - intellect. To deal with conflict and dispute "with oneself" is still fun, to confront affect with intellect. Many smokers who want to smoke at certain times, but know that it is wrong and must be quit, will illustrate this perfectly. So a healthy person may very much want to get married. Only if you choose between immediately getting married, or first healthy, and then getting married, then the second is preferable.

But the advice is useful. It is about the fact that being "energized", you can easily make the wrong choice. Which will be good "here and now" (affect has no concept of time, feelings here and now want to be satisfied). But from which it can be terrifying in a figurative "tomorrow" (brains can just look well in perspective, if they are allowed to). By the way, we also wrote about how to choose a groom or a bride. Let's continue.

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2. The guarantee of a happy family life, marriage and sex with one partner is only in one thing - in a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct road to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone.

I agree. And my experience, knowledge, experience of working with couples also confirm this. The truth is, there is good news. In many pairs, the gears of the two neurotics can perfectly match each other. Sometimes this requires the help of a psychologist who knows how to work with a couple. Having spent a little time as a mediator, you can help this process. And the couple will then discover that it is possible not to swear, but to enjoy each other. If you suddenly swore before. By the way, if you want, catch the puzzle.

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3. People are not liked because they bend. A woman will be just an empty place for a man if it is impossible to say about her who she is, what she is and what she likes for breakfast. The paradox is that men just adore bitchy women.

Any person will be an empty place if he cannot say who he is and what. Whether it is the position of codependency, when the respondent shrinks, or a counterdependent, who snaps back at this evil. With an empty space, of course - overkill. Marriages and couples are often complementary. And the relationship is not a straight cudgel, there are ups and downs, and generally different things. But in general, the sign is alarming. And if you are in a relationship, like on the carpet in front of your boss, you should think about whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist? Or some other misfortune happened. Yes, and bitchy are adored for one night, perhaps. Or a male victim. And it is also worth considering this.

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4. The reason for women's problems is not that he behaves like a goat. The reason is that she has a neurosis that needs to be released. And for this exit, you need a certain person and a relationship in which she could suffer. Therefore, she deliberately enters into such a relationship, because she has a mental need for this since childhood.

Experts are good about it - the traders tell.

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5. We measure love by the level of suffering. And healthy love is about how happy you are.

The key word is healthy.

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6. When a flight attendant shows you life-saving appliances, what does she say about oxygen masks? "If you are traveling with a child, provide a mask first for yourself, then for the child." This is the whole point. Everyone is trying to help the child, remaining an absolute psycho. It doesn't work that way. If you want your child to feel good, do something with your head first.

Very correct remark! Oh, how often people who have exhausted their trump cards, but failed to convince the interlocutor, begin to attract third parties: "I'm not trying for myself! Think about the child !!!" Only if at this time the child asks for something from his "protector", most likely he will be besieged with the same cry: "Don't get in now, don't you see, adults are talking!" Although, of course, it happens in different ways.

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7. Men are so arranged that since the days of their mother they only approach those who give them approval with their eyes. A healthy man is like a child. He comes up when a woman smiles at him, looks into his eyes …

Hmm … Mr. Labkovsky, what are you? We started with the promotion of healthy relationships and a treated neurosis, and now they themselves and back again … Yes, codependent men (who may not have gone through the difficult process of separation from their mother), and those who are insecure will seek approval. Others like to "win" the girl they like, and not wait until someone chooses him.

So, a healthy man is just a healthy man. Anyone who seeks the image of a mother in a woman is looking for an image of a mother in a woman. The diagnosis is not terrible. Most people know how to grow up in relationships. If for some reason it does not work out, I will once again say about such a useful profession as a family psychologist, a psychotherapist who knows how to work with a couple and relationships.

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8. Healthy people always choose themselves, and neurotics always choose relationships to their detriment, and this is the main difference.

This is about the interaction after the choice. Behave naturally, or worries all the time about whether you did the right thing. Well, the myths are different … also here, probably.

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9. A woman should never tolerate in a relationship that she does not like. She should immediately talk about it, and if the man does not change, she should part with him.

The world, unfortunately, is not perfect. It happens that there is an opportunity to take care of yourself. It happens that it's time to sacrifice yourself. The main thing is that it really should be the choice of the person himself. If a person feels like a victim (it doesn't matter if it is due to circumstances, or just a victim - a toy in the hands of other people), then psychology will be very useful. For some, a directive psychologist like M. L. The other will choose a less directive specialist.

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10. Men like children like it when a woman has character.

Well, again. Men are like children. The trouble. We ignore it. I would still prefer to proceed from the position that men are all different. There are those who are like children. There are those who are like dads. Here, by the way, I wrote about different positions, if I also add the age difference to the relationship. And we got to half of the chosen wisdom.

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We follow on. To wisdom (advice) number 11.

11. If a person replaces the whole world for another person, this means that he simply does not have his own world.

It can also mean that a person is experiencing a strong feeling of falling in love. But in general, I agree, of course. Better to have your own world. And so that the danger of a breakup is not associated with the loss of oneself, and other horrors and fears. If so, you already know - go to a psychologist. This advice, perhaps a little trivial, is useful, practical, and quite versatile. Just select a specialist for the task. Although you can start at any school, practically. They will help you to clarify the task in gestalt, cognitive school, and systemic family school.

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12. Loneliness is not a lack of love around. This is a lack of interest in oneself, moreover, from childhood.

At this point, I felt a little sorry for M. L. Maybe he never loved or was bored? But if the world outside the relationship is empty, and the person in itself is not valuable … Then yes. To a psychologist.

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13. As for the search for a partner, I will tell you, who should I look for? The only quality your partner can have is that he hooks you. Everything else does not matter at all. If you love him, worry about him, worry - then there are no "bars".

It is desirable that both cling to each other. Otherwise, it will be persecution, and falling in love in one direction. Although, again, it happens in different ways. And in general, if my main advice, for example, is given, then I would have formulated it this way: "It happens in different ways."

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14. What should be done to get married? And there is only one thing to do - to be yourself. It's enough. And they love, in principle, only for this.

An amazing moment, by the way, advice from men on what to do to get married. I understand when men write that men may not like women in women, they say, on a note. Or what other delusions. But when are they brought up like that directly and sincerely? Interestingly, Mr. Labkovsky read before the wedding the admonition of some woman psychologist, how to find a wife?

It is known from practical psychology that in order to do something, for example, get married or get married, you need to do the following: 1. want to do this and be interested in the subject (then the brain will start filtering information on the topic, and pay attention to will be useful for the purpose). 2. pay attention to blocking (if we consider it as part of marriage, then blocking will be when the guy liked it and called, and suddenly the woman begins to feel that she doesn't need marriage at all. And then the guy disappears, and she regrets, and wants to get married again … strange happens.)

What to do with detected locks? You guessed it - to a psychologist. So, five more wise wisdoms, and one stupidity.

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15. Do you know what is the fundamental difference between a healthy person and a neurotic? A healthy person also suffers, but from real stories. And the neurotic suffers from fictional stories. And if suffering is not enough, he still catches up with his beloved Kafka, Dostoevsky and the bottle.

Ha! So you neurotic and believed that his stories are fictional! But about catching up with Kafka, and Jack D., yes, an iron sign. I wonder how many healthy people after that will begin to refuse to drink for some unhappy reason?

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16. If you do not like the way a man behaves, do not look for excuses for his behavior. A situation in which “he did not call back” means the end of a relationship for a healthy girl, and the beginning of love for an unhealthy girl.

17. As the writer Christopher Buckley (author of the novel Thank you for smoking, there is also a movie) said, you should not eat in a restaurant called "Like Mom" and go to bed with a woman who has more problems than you.

18. Modesty adorns no one. Due to complexes, insecurity and low self-esteem, a girl lives without sex and relationships, not because she is scary, but because she treats herself badly. The task of the psychologist is to rid her of this.

In order not to tire grateful readers, we will cut it down a bit. As we noted the main points above. And they even shared something that we ourselves had in the storehouses of wisdom.

And Mikhail's advice here is very sound and useful. "Stop eating a cactus, if you are not a camel, and this is not your main and favorite food" - this is how popular wisdom says. You know what to do. To a psychologist.

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19. Family therapy is divorce. Only one type of family therapy I find really useful is the mediation of a psychologist in divorce. But it is precisely this that is not practiced in Russia.

No, Mikhail, not a divorce. Just in order to do it, you have to be a family therapist, a specialist in relationships in a couple. Not a businessman who does not conduct trainings, or someone else (although a broad outlook and additional knowledge did not bother anyone yet, but on the contrary, they were even very useful). But in order to judge family therapy, and even more so to throw so many loud statements, you still have to be a family therapist. With positive work experience.

By the way, mediation is practiced. It's not very clear here at all. Therefore, we will leave stupidity at position number 19, and move on to the final wisdom.

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20. The only time in a person's life when he is objectively dependent and when he can be considered a hostage is childhood and dependence on his parents. This does not last long. In other cases, being in any relationship is the choice of an adult.

I agree very much. Separation from parents, and the formation of oneself as a person - as a rule, are very connected processes. And very important to build a healthy strong loving family.