If You Want To: Mikhail Labkovsky About Our True Desires

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I have repeatedly said that the personality of the psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is extremely ambiguous for me. On the one hand, his entire image is PR. PR from surname to radical statements on social networks. But on the other hand, it helps someone.

But whether a specialist takes responsibility for his lessons is a different matter. To bring down phrases on the listeners' heads: “Well, it is clear that your mother is sick in the head” and “You need to figure it out with your head” is not a delicate approach. But again, it helps someone …

Recently, an open lecture by Mikhail Labkovsky was held in Riga: “How to understand your true desires and teach this to children”. There were a lot of questions, and Mikhail spoke and cheerfully, and cut the truth-womb, and supported, and reassured. In a word, he worked in his specialty. I have collected the most interesting statements here:

“In childhood, they decided for us what we would wear, what we would eat for breakfast, where we would go to study, and some were also hired for work. As a result, we often don't know what we really want. There are several reasons for this.

First, a suppressed or completely undeveloped emotional sphere. If in the house, in relation to children, the word "must" was adopted, then even as adults they continue to do not what they want, but what they must. As a result, someone works only for the sake of a salary, while someone lives with a husband or wife, whom they have long ceased to love. Life is generally short and it's not very pleasant to live it like that. Therefore, it is better to follow your desires and live the way you want.

But the problem is that not everyone has these desires, and parents managed to instill that a sense of conscience, a sense of duty and many other things are much more important than the realization of their own desires.

Secondly, and girls will now understand me, this is when you want to eat and lose weight at the same time - ambivalence. Therefore, it is important to understand your true desires, and not rush between choices. But most of the things we want are what our parents and our environment wanted for us. As a result, we either fail to live as we want, or the very same ambivalence when multidirectional motivations are torn apart.

When a person does not trust himself, he does not know what he really wants. As soon as you raise your self-esteem, you immediately have only one version of desires.

If you don't feel like going to work today, take a day off. If you don't feel like it tomorrow, take another day off. And if you don't want the day after tomorrow, change your job. And it's not about laziness. Laziness is either a will problem or a motivation problem.

Children of today are burdened with so many obligations. They have to go to kindergartens and schools, they have responsibilities around the house, some overload the children with clubs. But in fact, you just need to teach children to understand: what exactly do they want?

If a child after graduation does not know what he wants to do, then this is due not only to low self-esteem, but more importantly, to insecurity and fears.

When you have to make some kind of decision, then you, as a rule, have a lot of motivation: “we agreed”, “I promised”, “it should be done” and so on, but there should be only one: “I want!”. And even if it harms you or other people.

You must learn not to tolerate anything for anything. No husband for the children, no work for the money. You can safely go home if you feel bored with the company?

Leave the child alone. He wants to, let him do his homework, no - let him play. This is how an adult and responsible person will grow out of him. When you tell your child to study, you create a very unhealthy atmosphere at home, because the home is a school-free zone. You are not a teacher there, and your child is not a student. His school is his problem. Sooner or later, he must learn to understand what the unlearned lessons will lead to.

While the child is small, he needs a little help to learn how to navigate in time: when he dines, when he does homework, goes to bed, and so on. But as soon as he entered this process, and this all happens in the first grade, then he lives on himself. And nothing else concerns you! If he asks you, help. If not, consider that he is doing well. It seems to me that this is a happy childhood for children and a happy time for parents who do not sign up for a 12-year school hard labor.

If the child, instead of loving to play and read, loves to do homework, then this is an alarming sign and I advise you to contact a psychologist. In general, excellent children are, as a rule, anxious perfectionists and they need the help of a specialist. Alas, neither the school nor the parents understand this and require only a good grade from the children. A normal child learns somewhere between "3" and "4" on a five-point scale.

If we are talking about a healthy psyche, then the child's priority is the desire to learn something new and, due to this, learn. And for an adult - to realize himself and due to this to work. Everything else belongs to the "must" area and we talked about this.

I hope everyone understands that I am idealizing situations a little and not talking about computer addiction. A computer, like a TV - 1, 5 hours on a weekday and 4 hours on weekends without options, there can be no other agreements. If the child does not subscribe to this option, then the Wi-Fi is turned off at home, the tablet is removed, and his phone is magically replaced by Nokia6320.

Blaming your parents for not making you learn math or teaching you how to play the piano is absolute infantilism. This means that you do not take responsibility for your actions and for your life. Your parents don't have to force you to do anything at all. And this idea “at first it will be hard, and then it will say thank you” - not even Soviet, but almost fascist. You don’t have to live like that, because no one will say thank you.”

In support of his theory, Mikhail asked those who were forced to play musical instruments by their parents in childhood. It turned out that there are about ten such “unfortunate” people, of whom none have approached the instrument over the past year.

“The child himself must choose what he will do and what fascinates him. You do not have to force him, but you can refuse to pay for his hobbies if he jumps from one circle to another, so that on his part there is also some responsibility.

In fact, the idea that one gets pleasure from overcoming is a bit of an Orthodox idea. If we exaggerate this model, then it turns out that it is a pleasure to suffer, plow and make efforts. But as Steve Jobs said about this: “You have to work not for 12 hours, but with your head”.

You can bring up anything you want in a child if you do not understand one thing - a child, in a biological sense, is an animal. And just as an adult raises a cub, setting an example, so our child adopts our habits. And here even the way you talk on the phone, communicate with your husband or discuss working moments at home in the evening plays a role. Now, if you say: “This stuffed fool called again,” it will definitely work.

When a child is small, you fiddle with him endlessly. But the problem with many parents is that they get stuck on this all their lives. The kid is already eighteen, and they continue to communicate with him as if he were six months old. “Have you eaten?”, “Have you put on a hat?”, “Have you got a job?”. Such parents do not have the ability to talk about anything and then the children are closed. And in this case, you need to deal with your head, and not with your child.

When a teenage child tells you something, it doesn't mean you should comment. This means you have to close your mouth and listen. When they want, they will ask. Not asked - not destiny. Because many of you often take childcare for communication with children. And these are two different things.

The fear of death and illness occurs in those people who live poorly, are constantly afraid that they have not done anything in this life and have not really lived. Those who live for their own pleasure - do not cling to life, grow old and die peacefully.

Don't idealize yourself. People should be who they are, with their cockroaches.

If a child's diary is full of comments and bad grades, then the question is not for the child, but for the school. He entered the general education school, didn't he? It means that he was recognized as mentally healthy and trained. Then why does an absolutely healthy child not want to learn? Apparently, the reason lies in the fact that the school is so uninteresting, or specific teachers are so unprofessional, or some conflicts have come to the throat so that they prevent him from being interested. But for some reason, everyone starts to blame the children at once.

My opinion is that a child, by definition, is not to blame for anything, because he is a child.

There is no way you can bring up mental stability in children, except how to educate it in yourself. Therefore, do not be surprised if you yourself are a little crazy, then the child adopts the same qualities.

If the family has a tense relationship between husband and wife, even if they create the appearance of calm, even if they go out to swear on the street, then the child understands everything and feels everything, because he is not stupid. And it feels even to the chest. Even in the womb. And all this affects his psyche.

Learning to be silent is an excellent quality and it needs to be learned. I am a psychologist. Don't feed me bread, let me open your mouth. But the relationship with my child improved just when I shut up. Firstly, the daughter began to feel safe: she can talk as much as she wants and no one will interrupt her, and the psychologist dad will not start giving advice. Secondly, she began to ask much more, which means that I have more opportunities to help her.

Thoughts “life is passing by” are characters for people with a depressed mind. If such cockroaches have already begun to overcome, then start with the simplest things: do not eat until you understand what you want; do not buy things for reasons of practicality, try to do everything that you do from the position of “I like it”, and sooner or later this feeling of “life is passing by” will let go.