10 Principles Of Parenting From Mikhail Labkovsky

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Do not bring up children,

they will still be like you.

Educate yourself."

"Who are you so rude to me?" - perhaps the most stupid parental question. Isn't the answer clear?

Proper education is an ambiguous concept. And the idea of the existence of ideal parents is nothing more than a myth. Parents are also mere mortals and have the right to make mistakes.

It is unlikely that the great minds of pedagogy will ever come up with a formula for ideal parenting. And the reason for this is the same - all children are different.

A pensive introvert can calmly poke around in the sandbox for hours, another is excessively active and curious - in this case, monotonous play with sand castles will not get rid of him.

He needs to run, jump, climb and jump. Higher, stronger, louder.

Upbringing is not always to do with it, but still it is no less important process than building a career, self-realization and healthy relationships in the family.

And yet, to punish or not to punish? If you punish, how?

To force you to learn or, most importantly, to be happy?

How to find that same golden mean between "You will grow up somehow yourself" and "Mom has lived her life, will live yours too"?

Education by example

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky argues that the only working way to raise an emotionally and mentally healthy child is to become such a person yourself.

Personal example, not rational arguments, notations and moralizing. The child does not perceive words, he needs actions.

Do you want to instill in your child the values of a healthy lifestyle? Alarm clock for 5 am and go for a run. We change the butter roll for whole grain bread, morning coffee for a glass of orange juice, and watching the series from a comfortable sofa for a set of strength exercises in the hall.

It's like taking a drag on cigarette smoke at the same time and saying: "Son, smoking is bad!" Do you know what Stanislavsky would say?

A bit exaggerated, but the meaning is clear.

Do you want to raise a happy child? First, be happy yourself

Mikhail Labkovsky's lectures, as well as his articles, usually touch upon the themes of love, relationships, marriage, and personality psychology. As the coach himself says, our people do not like children. In a sense, they do not think that parenting should be discussed at all.

As the ratings and the number of questions asked by listeners during radio broadcasts show, the topic of children's upbringing is of little interest to them.

By the way, the trainer likes to broadcast on the radio and read lectures much more than the private practice of a psychotherapist.

Mikhail, however, considers the topic of raising children to be especially important - here are the issues of forming high self-esteem, a sense of self-respect, responsibility, and the problem of choosing an education, career, building a family in the future.

And we are happy to share his principles of proper education.

General problems of upbringing

Problems associated with a child begin even before he is born - namely, with the parental motivation to have children.

People have children for various reasons. To someone the doctor says at the consultation: “Either now, or never. Then only IVF”. Someone thinks that the age is right - "midnight is approaching, but Herman is not there."

There are also those who in such a perverse way are trying to tie a man to themselves.

All this is not very correct. The only true motivation is to want to have a baby.

A child is born - "Hello, Dr. Spock!" The family's way of life is changing and questions arise: “How to feed? Bottle or breastfeeding? What diapers? " etc.

The woman's attention is transferred from the husband to the child, and because of this, the relationship in a couple can go wrong

At a young age, you should focus on the issue of childhood trauma. But one of the biggest problems for parents is that they confuse the concepts of communication with children and caring for them.

Let's say an elderly old mother calls her 40-year-old son and a dialogue takes place between them: “Are you all right? Did you eat? Okay, goodbye. Since the son was three years old, nothing has changed in their communication.

Then school time: which school to choose? Sections, French, ballet? Many children don't want to study, don't get along with teachers, and refuse to do their homework.

Then until the age of 13 - a temporary lull. Before the storm, of course. Because right after him - His Majesty is puberty! Boys + girls, relationships and adolescent protest.

Next are the final exams. School, goodbye. Hello University. 18 years old, majority. Everything. The rest is no longer about children.

Negotiate or punish?

You don't have to say no to everything. Do you know how to negotiate with your child? You are doing the right thing.

It is possible to break a child at any age, and this is done in an elementary way. Consider one of the classic situations: outside the window at midnight, you begin to fall into a deep sleep, as your child begins to scream in his crib.

I explain on the shore: this is not colic, not gas, and not a critical situation when he really needs your help.

Any mother, from a half-turn, will distinguish a child's call for help from a capricious cry? This is something at the level of extrasensory perception.

There are two options for the development of the situation: either you get out of bed and take him on the arms, or he will scream a little and still close his mouth. The one who is the first to perform the action is the one who lost, and the one is weaker.

You may be thirty years old, he may be 6 months old. You weigh 60 kilograms, he is 6-7. But by nature, he may be stronger. So which of you is cooler: you or a child? This will show the outcome of the situation.

But here's the trick: he is your child. You should be glad that he is stronger than you. There is no need to compare characters. Come and take him in your arms.

If you remember this rule, you will be able to grow an unbroken, strong personality with a strong inner core.

Such people know what they are worth, value and respect themselves.

Of course, an adult has a lot of advantages - physical strength, specific gravity and a more stable psyche. You can break any child. You can just drive any of the children into a corner in no time. There would be a desire.

But what's the point? Raising a victim from a child?

You give the child a choice - he grows as a person, stop and say a weighty "no" - it becomes infantile. When he does not have the opportunity to make his choice, he does not grow up.

In addition, if you constantly yell at a child and show aggression in his direction, he can easily become neurotic.

As for the crisis of three years, it just needs to be lived through. It lasts about a year.

Then the quietest period awaits you - from 6 to 12 years old. At this age, children almost never "goats".

How to punish a child?

How to punish a child so that he understands that he must be responsible for his actions? The most important thing is to do it kindly.

The huge problem is that we have a terrible habit of making a brutal face, taking a threatening pose and yelling as if the child is stupid and does not understand other words

Sign up for a course and learn how to avoid repeating negative parenting scenarios.

Here is such a mother standing and bursting: “You are punished! Do you hear me? Punished! Yes, he has already been punished. Mom, why yell like that?

I can imagine an ideal scenario of punishment: we come up, hug our son / daughter by the shoulders, you can even kiss and calmly say: “Do not take it for a personal offense, but you are punished. I can’t help”.

Why is this path better? Thus, we clearly share that you still love the child, but you do not like his act. There are no complaints about the child.

90% of all parents, instead of unconditional love, broadcast the conditional: if you behave well - we love you, if you show bad behavior - you don't.

No, definitely, literally none of you say that. The child reads these meanings from your intonation, disgruntled facial expression, posture, posture, attitude.

When you control your behavior and build a dialogue in a neutral tone, he hears something completely different: “You are good, the act is bad. You're out of the question. I love you. But you have to be punished for the act."

In the process of upbringing and interaction between a child and a parent, punishment is necessary. The main thing is that the child should not feel that the attitude towards him has changed.

Can physical punishment be applied to a child?

Can a child be beaten? And as a punishment?

No, you can't beat a child. End of the story.

What if a child is jealous of a brother / sister?

If you have more than one child, there is every chance of encountering childhood jealousy. Usually older children are jealous of those who are born later.

What to do in this case? Punish. Only all at once. And it's the same.

This will generate solidarity and bring them together.

Another thing to pay attention to:

• Do not offend an older child by saying that he is older in age and therefore must give in;
• Do not forgive the younger for what you do not allow the older one;
• Do not emphasize the age of the youngest child: “Well, he’s small! Here you are, when you were little, we too …”He does not remember this, which means that he does not know about it. Your words don't count. He only knows that at the moment you are giving him much less time and attention.

The situation can settle down if you emphasize in every possible way that you love them equally, devote the same amount of time and even punish them with one training manual for two.

What if you don't love your child?

Unfortunately, there are situations when the phrase “you will give birth - you will love” does not work. This happens to women whose childhood cannot be called happy and cloudless.

Tough childhood memories interfere with the development of a healthy maternal instinct. Most representatives of the fair half do not have such a problem - after nine months of pregnancy, their psyche changes and by the time of childbirth they already love their children.

There is a very popular movement in Europe called Child Free - free from children. Their ideology is that the world is a hellish place and you can't give birth here and all that. The truth is that every participant in the movement had a difficult childhood, so they don't want their children.

Children are loved by those whom the parents loved. In essence, love for children is a reproduction of the feelings that we experienced when we ourselves were children.

And if all this was not there, feelings may not develop at all.

What solution? See a psychologist.

If the feeling is suppressed, it must be brought out into the light. If it is not developed at all, you need to develop it

How to make friends between a child and a stepfather?

You cannot make friends on purpose. But you can create favorable conditions for this.

Children read and reproduce your attitude towards new people. They, like dogs, feel your emotions.

Therefore, it will be easier for the child to accept the new husband of the mother if you are with him in perfect harmony. Do not try to immediately replace the child's father - let the stepfather be just an older friend.

A very important aspect: do not force him to raise a child - this can negatively affect the child's view of the world. That is, you two lived beautifully, and then, roughly speaking, an unfamiliar man appears and walks over the pure soul of the child with his dirty boots.

What time to go to bed, where to put toys away, what to wear - it's up to you. The stepfather's prerogative is to go to the cinema together, cook a delicious breakfast, take a walk, and have a pleasant conversation. Let your new husband be a "holiday-holiday" in the eyes of the child.

Which school to choose: private or public?

Some people in private schools are intimidated by the special approach to the child and the special caring attitude. Their main fear is that they will "run around" with the child, please in everything, and in the future this may harm him.

Friends, the more they love us, the stronger we become. Careful attitude has not prevented anyone yet. However, there is another problem: private schools in Russia are more about business, not education. This is the official method of taking money from the population, which has little in common with studies.

For a month of training, founders of private schools may want both 2000 and 3000 dollars. We have practically no such prices as in Europe. And what is unfortunate, it differs from a public school in that they have a three-course meal and leather furniture in the corridors.

I actually came across children from private schools who lagged behind the general education curriculum.

Therefore, first of all, it is worth finding out the reputation of the school. Does a good education give? Give it boldly. Classes in private schools are less, therefore, more attention is paid to the child.

Here, in principle, as elsewhere: there are private bad ones, there are public ones - you can't find it better.

You should have one main reference point - the first teacher. For the next 3-4 years, he will become the main person in your child's life. Here you should be guided by it.

How to explain to a child that sitting at a computer for a long time is harmful?

No way. You can't explain it to him.

To begin with, the human brain consists of two hemispheres, which are responsible for opposite things. So, when a child spends time with a computer, his emotional part is involved.

Virtual life, games, the world of social networks. Children who have communication problems are especially deeply immersed in the world of virtual reality.

You are trying to appeal to its rational part - they say, it has a bad effect on vision and all that. Logic and reasoning don't work here.

It's like a teenager who doesn't want to wear a hat when it's -10 ° C outside. He is not afraid of freezing his ears, but ruining his hair and so that everyone would laugh at him later. And he won't put on a hat, no matter what you say.

So what to do with computer and gadget addiction? I propose to do it easier: an hour and a half on weekdays and four hours on weekends. No unnecessary lyrics. Either this or not.

Is it naughty? We deprive us of gadgets for a week, change the phone to a push-button Nokia 6300 and summarize: “We agreed with you about an hour and a half? You knew about everything in advance."

Two or three such repressions and he himself will get up from the computer desk after the allotted time.

No explanation: yes - yes, no - no.

Children don't want to learn. What to do?

Parents often complain that teenagers have no motivation to gnaw on granite and do their homework. Talking and admonishing about a promising future does not help. What to do?

With motivation, in principle, everything is clear and transparent: at the age of 14, in the place of these children, I would not want to study either. According to statistics, if in elementary school the academic performance is 50%, then in secondary it is only 11%. Do you feel the difference?

Normal healthy children at age 14 may not want to learn. This is the psychology of puberty. Of course, they may have a favorite subject, even a few, but overall the level of academic performance is quite low.

Boys have wet dreams, girls have boys in their heads. They don't care about your studies at all, dear parents.

By the age of 16, the situation may level out, but not a fact. For some teenagers, graduation and admission are not yet a reason to do well.

You must explain the following to your child:

1. He is obliged to study according to the law - a certificate of secondary education is required today for everyone.
2. If he is not satisfied with his particular school, he has problems with peers or teachers, you can transfer him to another school. Or apply for home schooling. So today is also possible.

The good news is that if a child's adolescence began early, then by the age of 16, he should be released a little. But not before.

Teenage years. How to avoid the influence of the street?

The problem here is not the street.

Let's say you build trusting relationships with your child from birth, if you respect him, know how to negotiate with him, don't yell at him, don't put him in a corner, don't try to break him, reckon with his desires, that is, you communicate as with an adult.

What do you end up with? A child grows up with an understanding of who, what he is and what he wants.

And then you, as parents, are absolutely calm: wherever he is, he will never do stupid things. From early childhood, he was treated with trust, so he was used to answering for himself and already at the age of 12-15 he knows how to understand his desires.

He will be offered to light a cigarette - he will refuse, a 15-year-old girl will be offered sex - she will send it away. How does this happen? Due to the fact that at this age they behave like adults.

The second option: the child is overly patronized or lowered. He is not an adult person and is easily influenced by others. The sooner you release him, the faster he will mature.

Your parental peace of mind is not based on the fact that 24 hours a day you know where your child is, but on the fact that you are sure that he will not do stupid things. You believe him.

Finally

A warm, trusting relationship with children is the dream of many moms and dads. Unfortunately, most of them go to this dream in a completely different way.

Do not rush to fight with children, because, as usual, you need to start with yourself. It is much easier, after all, to shift the responsibility to someone who is smaller - they say, a hyperactive, difficult teenager, a complex character. But the child is just an honest mirror of the family: what you have is what he has.

Love children for what they are. Without conditions and agreements, without division into good and bad.

The art of unconditional love is thorny. It is much easier to love a cute girl with pink bows than a rude teenager offended by the whole world.

But these are your children. Your world. And it is in your power to make this world stronger, stronger and happier.

Once again, start with yourself.