The Inner Child Is In A Panic - In Search Of A Parental Figure

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Look around: who do you see?

Looking around you, you will almost certainly notice other people: they are rushing about their business, driving in cars, walking with children, writing something in their social media accounts, going to work, planning vacations, doing repairs, buying things - live, in a word.

And behind this bustle of everyday life, under the masks of adults, children lurked: small, hungry and suffering from fear children.

Who is this amazing character: inner child?

He lives inside his own active life, which the adult consciousness can ignore, and every time he comes to the surface when he needs to build relationships with other people: make difficult life choices, make a difficult phone call, sort things out with a significant other, set a price for his services, looking for a job or clients, raising your own child, etc.

The basic need of this inner child is SURVIVAL and as a consequence safety … And this need has never been satisfied by any of us (and is not being satisfied now) completely and irrevocably.

The fact is that from the very moment we were born, this need for survival, security and protection was made dependent on parent figure.

What happens between 0 and 2 years?

Mom gives birth to a child and - even some twenty years ago - strange and annoyed aunts in white coats immediately carried him away and laid him among the same as him, equally swaddled, squeaking and hungry babies. Mom could see the baby only on schedule, to feed it, and it took 30-40 minutes, after which the baby was taken from the mother's breast - no one was interested in whether he had time to eat and suckle the mother's breast or not. In maternity wards, children could cry for several hours in a row and this did not bother anyone - only mothers, lying in the common ward, exchanged glances with each other, wondering if their baby was crying and hoping that babies (with tags on the handles) will not be confused.

These strange and omnipotent large figures who disposed of the child's needs and their satisfaction did not disappear even with the arrival of the baby to the parental home. The figures became smaller, but all of them were also omnipotent and absolutely incomprehensible.

With a negative development of events, the need for food, safety, caress for an absolutely defenseless human cub could not be satisfied at all, while the child could lie for hours with an infant cry, waiting for an adult who would feed and caress him, change the diaper and create comfortable conditions in the crib.

And then the development of the conscious, adult part is blocked by these traumas inflicted on the basic sense of security, and from that moment on, some part of the psyche freezes at a preconscious (up to 2 years old) age with a feeling of indescribable horror and panic. The panics of a helpless cub, surrounded by powerful and indifferent parental figures - the figures of adults. The state of this baby is shock. The same shock that the young of any animal experience when caught in the clutches of a predator is shock anesthesia, a shock that precedes death from the claws and teeth of a powerful hunter.

This shock is called state of immobilization - fading. It forms the strongest defenses of the conscious mind in adulthood. This state of shock is so intolerable (in fact, this is an experience of hopelessness preceding imminent death) that the conscious mind, when it begins to awaken at the age of 2-3 years, will try to move away from feeling as far as possible so as never to feel this shock again …

With a positive development of events, the baby lives his infancy more or less safely, feeling that his little bedside world is absolutely comfortable and safe, and the large figures of incomprehensible adults are friendly and he may even feel (he still does not know how to think) that he is - THE LORD of these figures: they appear when he begins to cry and satisfy his needs, which every day become more and more complex and varied - this begins to form his consciousness.

What starts to happen after 2 years?

Between two and three years, the process of an interesting game of life begins: the whole world suddenly blooms with many small and such enticing details and, in general, it is quite reasonable - the world revolves around the child. Here is my I: and there are multi-colored toys, some are animated, others are not. Some can do everything and control others, while others simply attract with their incomprehensibility.

And what do you want - the animal nature of the biological membrane is still the most important in this process: to survive at any cost, to eat and enjoy life. Only two sensations that he understands: pleasure and pain.

And here the parental figures begin to protest against being completely at the child's disposal: they are not toys. Now we need to explain this to the child, but at the same time do it in such a way that he does not lose this sense of security and does not conclude for himself that the world is aggressive and wants to destroy it.

Everything seems fine, if not for one BUT: such an attitude of the child to the parental figure and his EGOCENTRISM suddenly awaken in the parents the unmet needs of their own inner children (of varying degrees of trauma) - and a competitive struggle begins.

"I'll play with you if I feel good," says mom

"You have to be obedient. It's all because of my dad, I'm sick, I hope that you will never behave like him."

The child makes a childishly illogical conclusion that his needs, depending on adults, can be satisfied if he can reconcile mom, dad and make sure that mom does not get sick. He looks for ways to do it - but his attempts will never succeed. Because mom and dad will put forward more and more new conditions under which, finally, the baby's needs will supposedly be satisfied.

It's not dad's fault, because there is no money in the family and mom has to work a lot. There is money and dad - no health, etc.

In general, there are many options for parental figures, on which the satisfaction of the basic needs of the baby depends, instead of enjoying the game of life in the moment of the here-and-now, forcing the child to try to fulfill the "next condition" for obtaining happiness. This list never ends.

And in the end, the child gives up: "everything is useless, I am helpless." Nobody needs me anyway, nobody will take care of me.

And this is experienced as a real betrayal.

It is the age at which the baby stops trying to fight for the realization of his needs - and will become the age of his inner traumatized child. From this moment on, his mind will begin to build strong walls of protection from the experience of hopelessness, helplessness, fear and panic of his inner baby.

The child does not think in philosophical categories - he cannot say to himself that these mother and father cannot figure it out with themselves, and therefore they should not have given birth to me yet. They cannot give me what I need, because they don’t really understand me, but themselves. They themselves need psychotherapy - to heal their inner traumatized children.

Instead, the child puts off all these unfulfilled needs - forms a kind of bearer bill. And you can be sure - unconscious attempts to find THAT MOST parental figure who will pay the bill will never stop.

But the child's mind already knows that in this life: "EVERYONE FOR HIMSELF."

Unfortunately, by the time the child had this insight, he was already pretty exhausted, trying to solve problems beyond his power: trying to influence this world (his parents and other figures) so that he would satisfy his needs. And therefore, to all the other joys and well-developed children's strategies of manipulation, the state of learned helplessness is also added.

The whole sadness of this stage is that this part of the psyche called the "traumatized inner child" now and forever becomes the very tail that will wag the whole dog. The joy and spontaneity of a real child and his ability to enjoy the game of life are lost in order to increase the technology of manipulation and influence of significant others in order to satisfy the basic needs for safety, survival, food, comfort and intimacy.

Over time, the technologies for protecting consciousness from pain, fear, panic and shock of the inner child become more skillful and sophisticated. And by the age of 20, we already forget about the fact that a traumatized child can live in us.

Someone begins to save the world and help people, thus trying to make this world more environmentally friendly and safe for their inner child. Others strive to make as much money as possible - after all, money is the equivalent of survival in the modern world. Once upon a time, their real child drew an analogy for himself that if mom-dad has a lot of money, then his basic needs will finally be satisfied.

Still others seek to find such a desirable and significant parental figure for them that will satisfy all their needs in a relationship with a partner.

Others choose God (or some other powerful being) as such a parental figure.

Fifths choose an IDEA for themselves as a parent figure. While they follow this idea, they feel strength in themselves, it seems to them that they are supported: country, religion, direction of psychology, idol, common goals and so on, which can create in their psyche a kind of feeling of security and stability.

Anyone and anything for anyone can become a parent figure. Adepts of the "school of the 3rd day after the full moon" or fans of Tsoi, patriots who kill for an idea, or a devoted employee of the "Horns and Hooves" company, an authority who wrote a book, or an announcer on TV …

Anyone and anything for anyone. The eternal search for a hungry child with a sophisticated adult mind, who wants to cling to something that will make you feel at least a little more secure.

We try to be ideal, or vice versa - loose and attract attention with our rebelliousness, fighting and looking for all the same parental figures in the outside world and feeling the pain coming from parental figures imprinted in the memory of our unconscious.

At any moment, each of us can unconsciously project onto another who has hooked on with his behavior the pain and fears of our inner child, our expectations and requirements for the parental figure (at home, in a store, on the road, at work, etc.), in the same way as each of us can become a screen for the same projections onto ourselves from other people.

And look around you again:

And once again turn your head around - what and whom do you see? How many people around you are doing what they just do for fun, as if playing. While playing, they work, they create partnerships, they buy and sell real estate, make renovations and even enter into relationships - treating them as the pleasure of a new game (of course, adjusted for adult consciousness and respect for the partner)?

Or, nevertheless, you see that the world is a competitive struggle for the resources necessary for the survival of the inner child, the growth of technologies for manipulation and struggle with others - the same hungry inner children - and the search for more and more parental figures in order to present the bill to pay?

How do you heal your injured inner child?

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To begin with, admit its presence and allow yourself to feel its fear, panic, pain. Do not react to them with regular strategies of protection and manipulation, rushing into new conflicts for an idea or looking for a more suitable partner, or earning another million (or making a promise to yourself to earn it), or developing another concept of saving the world, but simply LIVING the feelings of an inner child.

You need to start recognizing him - to recognize those moments when he experiences a fit of fear and panic and makes your mind look for a way out.

At these moments, by definition, you get younger up to his age and make decisions from his level of thinking and consciousness. And these decisions drag you into the funnel of struggle, in which the forces of the "enemy" (the one on whom the child's needs depend and who manages the resources he needs so much) outnumber your own forces. This is how the same stable scenarios are played out in life.

It is very difficult to allow yourself to feel the panic of your inner child and live it with him. After all, your adult consciousness can already provide him with positive patronage in those moments when he experiences fear and shock, but for this it is necessary to feel what he feels, but at the same time not to lose his self in his feelings.

According to my observations, the inner child does not grow up at the command of consciousness: "Aty-two, lined up, overcame fear and came out of your cocoon - you are already big (big)!"

This process occurs gradually, sometimes over the course of several years, when you, with your adult consciousness, over and over again allow your inner child to tell you about his needs, experience fear, anger, panic, experience shock, convincing him over and over again that:

• you can get angry;
• you can talk about your feelings;
• you can be uncomfortable for others;
• you can be afraid;
• you can ask for help;
• you can refuse and say "no" without excuses;
• you can not try to please and please others;
• you can be inconsistent and change your point of view, change your mind;
• you can forget about something;
• you can dream about what you want;
• you can experiment;
• you can be happy for no reason and sad without explanation;
• you can pamper yourself for no reason;
• you can make mistakes;
• you can give and receive something without any conditions;
• you can admit to yourself the most unpleasant thoughts, actions and feelings and not feel guilt or shame for this;
• you can not make excuses to anyone;
• you can be sincere and vulnerable and not be ashamed of it;
• you can just live playing and having fun

Sometimes this requires long-term therapy, where the psychologist becomes a companion who again and again says the client's inner child the word "can", helping the client to form an adult and accepting (patronizing) part of his psyche, which will take on the role of a caring and intelligent assistant, on whom his inner child can lean on.

The need to be accepted (our inner child) is experienced in relationships with others.

And very deep - at the level of our inner child - we no longer believe that us as us will be accepted. Our inner child thinks like this: "If my parents did not understand and accept me, then who can I trust in this world? Even they did not cope with this task - then I probably have no chance of being loved at all."

The inner child is so sure of this and so distrusts when other people are taking care of him that, in response to their care, he can begin to give them a real exam, a test of whether they can still tolerate him and take care of him. if it will be "cut out".

And, of course, other people do not pass this test, since they have their own traumatized inner children, which take a lot of energy, plus they (from their adult position) see in front of them not a small child, but an adult (as it seems to them) person.

In this sense, an attempt to present your child's account to a real other (partner, friend, boss, God, country, ruler, etc.) is always doomed to failure, and this traumatizes the inner child even more.

The only question is what energy is spent on: more and more attempts to find a parental figure in the outside world and bill her, or to grow and develop its own adult part, which can take care of the inner child and help him heal and start playing again and enjoy the process of playing life.

How to understand how traumatized the inner child is?

To do this, it is worth observing how many of the children's patterns of behavior and thinking we display in our daily life.

[The following is a list compiled by my colleague Galina Orlova based on the books of Thomas Trobe, with my comments]

CHILDREN'S THINKING AND BEHAVIORAL MODELS:

1) Impatience, inability to postpone pleasure (desire to receive "everything, at once and now")

2) Inability to ask, openly declare their needs and desires. An attempt to achieve what I want through "guess it yourself", and if you cannot give me what I need without my prompting, then it is no longer valuable.

3) Inability to accept a refusal, to hear "no" (without looking for reasons for refusal and demanding excuses from the refusal). The desire to make the other make excuses, the desire to make him a debtor for his refusal.

4) Inability to say "no". An attempt to be good (good), to disguise your refusal under various "objective" reasons

5) Fear of mistakes and their avoidance (including fear of drawing attention to yourself once again). Fear of punishment, fear of losing love and attention, if I turn out to be uncomfortable, wrong, I will not do what is expected of me.

6) Unreasonableness: inability to distinguish the useful and the main from the insignificant and secondary. "Obsession": obsessive behavior, obsessive thoughts, constant analysis of the past, the desire to be perfect in everything. Inability to prioritize, fear of missing something, greed (fear of losing something, spilling at least a drop, spilling at least a crumb, missing at least one client)

7) Blaming others and wanting to "correct" them ("they made me angry" (offended, did not understand), "I want him (her, they) ….."). The desire to remake the world so that it becomes safer for the inner child.

8) Inability to forgive and accept people as they are. Touchiness (vindictiveness).

9) Requirements and expectations ("they should"). Shifting responsibility onto others.

10) Ignoring the feelings, desires, moods of other people, children's egocentrism ("I WANT, no matter what"). Engaging with other people's inner children.

11) "Magic" thinking: idealizing people (endowing them with super-duper abilities of a parent figure), ignoring reality (illusion, fantasy)

12) Inability to see the consequences, reckon with them and take responsibility for them.

13) "Reactive", unconscious behavior (anger, resentment, guilt, envy, revenge), manipulation of others and pretense

14) The tendency to make global conclusions and generalize ("always", "never")

15) Inability to be "equal", a huge need for praise and pity

16) Dependence on the opinions of others, the desire "to be good for everyone", "to please everyone"

17) Inability to support and encourage oneself, dependence on external stroking

By the number of these patterns shown in everyday life, you can see how much your inner child is scared and needs protection and development of adult consciousness.

The situation in the modern world of a large number of wounded and competing with each other for the resources of children under the masks of adults and the absence of any guarantees of safety generates at the level of the collective unconscious an almost hysteria, in which the search for another external parental figure that will protect (well, or at least the culprit, which can be destroyed and then everything supposedly will be good again), will only lead to another wound of betrayal and disappointment inflicted on his own inner child.

Only the inner loving parent can heal the inner child under the auspices of the inner wise adult.

Best regards, Olga Guseva.

NLP trainer, psychologist, transformational coach, an expert in the field of disclosing the potential of a person.