Allow Yourself To Be, Or Internal Prohibitions And Their Consequences

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Emotional discomfort in our life is most often associated with the fact that we cannot choose between "want" and "need". This can manifest itself in activities (I want to rest, I have to work), in feelings (I want to cry, I have to keep my face). We feel this choice in the form of doubts, remorse, or self-criticism. It is possible and necessary to live in harmony with your desires.

Let's start with where this internal conflict comes from. So that we can understand this process fully, I suggest using terminology. I am a practitioner of such a direction as transactional analysis. The great advantage of this method of psychotherapy is simple names for complex processes. So, the part of the personality that contains the experience of adults important to us, social norms and rules, ways of taking care of ourselves, is called Inner Parent … In this part, the prints of these very people from the past seem to live - moms, dads, grandparents, guardians, teachers and idols. From this part we support or criticize ourselves. Another important part of the personality is known to many Inner Child … Unlike the aforementioned Parent, the Child is already our own conclusions about certain events, our personal experience and all the accompanying experiences. It is from the Child that we fear and rejoice, rebel or create. A child is a container for our desires and expectations.

Unfortunately, conflicts often arise between Parent and Child, but fortunately there is a third part of our personality that can resolve them. This is about Internal Adult. He is a consistent, almost emotionless and very talented analyst who normally helps to maintain balance.

When we are faced with an emotionally difficult state, it makes sense to assume that a need for the Child has arisen and the Parent, for some reason, is not able or does not allow to satisfy it. Another option is that there is a certain "if", a condition after which the need can be satisfied. All these conditions, restrictions and other messages about how and when it is necessary, and how and when it is impossible - these are the so-called Parental messages. They exist in our consciousness in the form of internal prohibitions and permissions. These are messages from the Inner Parent to the Inner Child.

It's good when we have a set of permissions and programs. But in our post-totalitarian society, prohibitions are more in vogue. We can assimilate them both verbally (we were told so) and non-verbally (we were treated like that).

I suggest reading them and considering if any of them apply to you. In total, transactional analysis identified twelve prohibitions that can branch out for each specific case:

DON'T LIVE

A ban on the satisfaction of vital needs or the right to live. How could it be learned? These could be quite specific words "Why were you born at all?", "It would be better if you weren't there." And it could also be actions - for example, when there is a fact of physical violence, when the most basic physiological needs are not satisfied. The consequences of such an internal prohibition are such life situations as ignoring hunger or fatigue, as well as such tragedies as suicide or self-harm.

DON'T BE HEALTHY

MENTAL OR PHYSICAL

A prohibition, often formed in families with sick people (who receive a lot of attention), or next to grieving and depressed relatives (it is inappropriate to be happy and healthy). There are many options for development, but the consequences are usually the following: frequent illnesses, depression, neuroses, eating disorders, psychosomatic diseases, emotional instability.

DO NOT THINK

The result of devaluation of conclusions, inferences, reflections. Often such a prohibition can be voiced directly: "It's still too little to argue", "Don't think about it", "Get it out of your head", "Don't think so." But we can also internalize it non-verbally when we come across an unpleasant or aggressive reaction in response to our thoughts and point of view.

The consequence is an inability to analyze, fear of expressing one's opinion, uncertainty in one's abilities. Receiving a promotion, for example, a person sincerely thinks that he did not deserve it in any way, this is some kind of mistake.

DO NOT FEEL

We receive this prohibition when our loved ones are uncomfortable with our emotions. For example, a boy, upset by a loss in a school match, cries, and his father shouts: "You are not a girl, why burst into tears!" There may be a more traumatic situation: the little girl is sad, and the mother defiantly ignores it. The consequence of the prohibition "don't feel" is the inability to express emotions, suppression of feelings, inability to withstand the emotions of others. Interestingly, the prohibition can apply to all feelings, or only those that are not accepted in this family. In addition, the prohibition can manifest itself in the form of an inability to experience precisely one's own feelings, but there is a high sensitivity to the feelings of other people.

DON'T BE CLOSE

We can live with such a prohibition if we are unlucky enough to face cold withdrawal. It could be intentional ("Stop these calf tenderness", or unintentional (parents worked hard and could not be near, and after work were too tired to communicate with children). A small child is extremely sensitive to distance. The prohibition can be learned and learned. another - on the experience of violence or death of loved ones. The consequence of the prohibition "Don't be close" is the fear of physical contact, emotional closeness. In this case, we can really need a relationship and experience terrible discomfort being in it.

DO NOT DO IT

We can get banned from activities if we were controlled too much and not allowed to get the experience "inside and out." This behavior is often the case with hyper-caring parents (they do not allow the child to finish, they finish it themselves), or those that are too critical (everything is wrong, this is not done). A person with an active prohibition "Do not do" cannot finish what he started, is afraid to start something, but is very effective in planning.

DO NOT BE IMPORTANT

In other words, "Keep your head down." This prohibition imposes a restriction on achieving results and winning. In our culture, it is so accepted that we do not tell our parents about our high salary, do not brag about victories and look at those who miraculously retained this ability. Verbally, we could hear "Do not brag!", "Do not exhibit", "Be modest." A more radical message is "Don't be more successful than me." The result of such upbringing is lack of ambition, fear of success, suppression of leadership qualities.

DO NOT OWN

It's important for us to belong. It is vital for us to understand that we are part of something. But it so happens that when we want to manifest as this part, we are repulsed. For example, in response to the manifestation of collectivity (I want to go out into the yard with the guys), the child hears: "You are from a decent family, did we bring you up like that?" The opposite situation is an excessive emphasis on exclusivity: "You have always been out of this world", "You are too weak for this, you are sick." The result is a feeling of a "black sheep", restless and not belonging.

DO NOT BE A CHILD

The consequence of shifting responsibility to the child. The reason for this paradox is the feeling of one's own immaturity and the inability to bear another child, besides one's own, inner one. Then a 10-year-old boy can hear "You are already big enough to take care of a sick grandmother", a 6-year-old girl can hear: "You are already an adult, you can figure it out yourself." The result is the Inner Child hammered into the depths of the subconscious, the inability to manifest childish features (to enjoy the holiday, create, fool around and relax). It is very difficult for such people to communicate with children.

DO NOT GROW

The prohibition is the opposite of the previous one. With him, the independence of the child may be intolerable for the parent. For example, a mother who tied her 40-year-old son to her with the words "You can't cope without me, you are so dependent." A person living with a prohibition on growing up may fear responsibility and be incapable of making responsible decisions.

DO NOT BE YOURSELF

Often this is the "cross" of a child who has not met the expectations. For example, a father wanted a boy, but a girl was born. As a result, the girl is taken to boxing and football and is bought exclusively for men. Another option is "be like …" or "you behave like …" In this case, we get a ban on expressing ourselves and at the same time lose the idea of "what I am". As a result, we cannot define ourselves and understand which desires and needs are ours and which are not.

DO NOT REACH

Quite a frequent ban. It is mainly learned non-verbally. For example, my mother grew up in a village and did not have a higher education. But she sincerely wanted her daughter to get it. She makes her daughter go to courses, study ideally, and during admission, she demonstrates incomprehensible aggression, rejection or neglect. If a girl is sensitive enough, she can form such a strategy: she always makes a lot of efforts and shows good results in the process, but at the finish line she gives up.

Did you recognize yourself somewhere? This is normal, we all have our own set of prohibitions and permissions. What if they bother you? The fact that you have realized your inhibitions is already half the way. Now it's up to the little thing - to get permission. To do this, you need to track the manifestations of inhibitions (for example, suppression of feelings of anger), track your feelings, bodily reactions and internal dialogues.

When you understand what you are doing, so as not to violate the prohibition and not to feel anger, you can think about what else you can do. For example, what are the ways of expressing anger. Knowing where the problem is, you just go where there is a solution. For example, anger management training, psychotherapist, gym, yoga.

When you achieve even the smallest victory over your inner prohibition - celebrate and praise yourself, give yourself strong and confident messages about what you can. For example: "I can get angry and do it safely for others and myself. I know - how."

The key is to give yourself the time, opportunity, and tools to change. I can absolutely assure you that your life will change for the better when your inhibitions become healthy permissions and decisions about how you can be yourself, live, be healthy and feel, make decisions and achieve success.