How To Provide Psychological Support Correctly?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

From time to time we come face to face with the suffering of a loved one.

The bulky word “trauma” that we are used to associating with serious shocks does not only refer to events such as the death of loved ones, domestic violence, or school bullying. Any incident that causes us to experience mental discomfort over and over again over the years is trauma.

The reason that we CANNOT support loved ones when it is difficult and bad for them is that we are used to dividing emotions into right and wrong

What kind of person would freely share his feelings when he is afraid that he will be told that his feeling is wrong, and you need to try to fix it?

Sharing "right" emotions is sometimes difficult too. A rare friend knows how to be happy for his friend. Often friendship is based on the fact that each side tries to surpass the other. Outwardly, this manifests itself as a demonstration of achievement with the hope of praise. A person tends to share his feelings, however, the reaction, with which we meet everywhere, leads to the formation of attitudes like "I will not speak, so as not to jinx it."

The situation from the series “Shared joy - double joy” is worth its weight in gold these days. We all know how, consciously or not, to read the energy of envy that another person pours on us. When the situation repeats itself several times, it becomes natural for us to hide our happiness from others. After all, it is better to keep your joy “for longer” than to waste precious vibes without receiving the expected support. Therefore, if you have a loved one, after communication with whom any joy will certainly retain its "joy" - you have rare wealth.

Regarding the "wrong" emotions, at the moment of their manifestation by a loved one, we immediately rush to correct them. These emotions include worry, irritation, sadness, and anger. Do you recognize the following dialogue?

The girl tells her friend that she is sad and bad, she does not want to leave the house. In response, the friend says that her interlocutor is inflating an elephant out of a fly, and that you need to look at life positively.

How effective is this support? First, the “thinking positively” attitude does not make the difference in and of itself. Even those of us who are more likely than others to be in high spirits, it is not always possible to always keep a finger on the pulse of our own thoughts.

And secondly and most importantly, unknowingly, a supportive friend without malicious intent non-verbally informs the second friend that her emotion does not take place, that this emotion needs to be changed, because it is wrong to feel this emotion.

This behavior is natural. It comes from childhood. As my favorite psychologist Teal Swan once put it, we live in dark times of emotional parenting. We are given to understand from an early age that some emotional manifestations are approved and recognized by parents, and some cause aggression, distrust and depreciation in them. In order to survive in the family, we learn to suppress emotions "uncomfortable" for parents. Some programming takes place: we learn to share in our head that some emotions are right and we need to strive for them, while others are wrong and should be avoided by all means.

Suppressing the “wrong” emotions in ourselves, we naturally cannot recognize their significance in another person. Hence - all attempts to correct the emotional state of a dear person, in practice devaluing him and thereby generating more pain for a loved one.

Devaluing the feelings of a loved one is the most dangerous behavior that can be imagined. Devaluing the real emotion the other person is experiencing only exacerbates the conflict between the reality they are currently experiencing and the need to feel good. Devaluating phrases include the following sayings:

• "You have PMS."
• “You inflate an elephant out of a fly” (“Do not inflate an elephant out of a fly”).
• "Yes, forget it."
• "Take it easy."

Please note that most of the above phrases contain the imperative mood (do this, don't do this). If you want to learn to support a loved one and not harm him, the imperative mood should be avoided in addressing him.

For example, contrary to the way we are used to reacting to a person who voiced the presence of suicidal thoughts, the expression "Come on, life is beautiful" is the worst reaction, which further inflames internal conflict.

The second mistake is playing an uninvited psychotherapist

This mistake is often made by those of us who are familiar with the process of conversational psychotherapy at a theoretical level. Sometimes those who provide professional psychological counseling commit this sin in their personal lives. The danger of this behavior is that it creates distance between you and your traumatized friend and thereby prevents a confidential conversation between two people who truly love each other. Therefore, everything has its place.

What does it look like? One of the parties takes on the role of a psychoanalyst, retelling to the traumatized person how he is feeling. This method can work if done competently, but in most situations projection takes place. The interlocutor, playing the role of the psychotherapist, imposes on a loved one a combination of feelings that are distant or irrelevant to the case. The imposition of feelings is dangerous because it can lead an already suffering person into the jungle of his own psyche and leave him there while the “therapist” gets the opportunity to establish himself in his empathic talent. Such behavior often has nothing to do with the desire to sincerely help a loved one and only satisfies the person's need for self-affirmation.

Realizing your own true motive when talking to a loved one is the first step. Therefore, even if you feel confident in the solution that you could offer, refrain from saying the solution in the first minutes of a frank conversation.

So how do you NEED to act?

Step 1. Recognize the reality of the emotion the other person is experiencing.

What does this mean in practice? When someone close to you shares their feelings, let them speak up without judging or interpreting their story. Your role is not to provide a solution, but to help the other figure out how he feels so that he can resolve the internal conflict on his own. Listening to a person without directing him along any trajectory is the key to successfully overcoming unpleasant feelings and recognizing them as part of your personality. Do you want your loved one to ride on the crest of the wave of luck? This is how highly professional psychotherapists operate.

Step 2. Demonstrate verbal recognition of the emotion. It might look like this:

“I understand how you feel now. It is normal and natural to feel that way in such a situation.”

“Your feelings about this are absolutely natural. I would feel that way too if I were you!”

Step 3. You can try to clear up the emotion for yourself, but leave the last word to the person experiencing it. Refrain from imposing.

Here you can ask clarifying questions. For example, ask:

"I would like to understand why you feel this way."

"What triggered these thoughts in you?"

“Is this your first time feeling like this? Have you experienced it before?"

With these cues, you invite the person to delve into their emotion and understand it. In the future, this can lead to an awareness of the importance of all emotions, their recognition and their unification into a healthy personality.

Step 4. Listen to the other person carefully. Be open to any answer to the point that if you feel that the person wants to withdraw from the answer, be ready to accept his choice and leave him alone.

If a person experiencing emotion asks you to express your opinion on this matter or invites you to give advice, here you can do it. Be careful, because all efforts here can be nullified by accidentally devaluing an emotion or slipping into a lengthy description of your personal experience associated with this or a similar emotion. Remember that the focus is on the person you are talking to. If you feel it is appropriate to share your own story, do not delve into detailed descriptions of everyday life. Be to the point and make sure that the focus remains on the person you want to reassure.

Usually, the intensity of the emotion dries up after 15 minutes. Help your loved one live those 15 minutes with the understanding that he is needed, that they are ready to listen to him. That he is not alone face to face with his suffering. That you acknowledge that suffering is present and that you are willing to help or resolve it if need be. This is the essence of reasonable psychological support.

In the family, strive to create an inviting atmosphere for expressing emotions and freely expressing true feelings that accompany emotions that are relevant to family members at a given time. Imagine how much easier it would be to live in a world where people openly share their feelings. The need for dead-end assumptions and painful thinking out, psychologically exhausting, would disappear as unnecessary.

It is important to note that emotional freedom does not mean emotional licentiousness. The paradox is that it is precisely those people who are forced to suppress their emotional manifestations that become emotionally licentious. At the moment of extreme voltage, the control filter flies off - and the person starts up "all bad".

Most of us choose to suppress our emotions or to keep them to ourselves for the reason that from our own experience we are confident that we will not be given the adequate support that we need. Understanding emotions and handling them competently is the key to happy relationships with other people and with yourself.

Lilia Cardenas, integral psychologist, psychotherapist