THE BOUNDARIES OF AID

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Can we help another person when we see that they are suffering? Can we make him change if those changes can end his suffering? Do we have the right to insist on accepting our help, even if we see that a person is engaged in self-destructive behavior and our help will certainly benefit him? My experience shows that such "help" never ends with anything good. Not for the other side, not for me

First, you need to accept the fact that the life of another person is someone else's territory. And my territory is just my life. And no matter how wonderful the rules operate on my territory, no matter what stunning results they bring, I have no right to plant them on someone else's territory and force another person to live by them. They do not climb into a strange monastery with their own charter.

It is very important to determine where the border between my and someone else's territory lies.

For myself, I have defined this border as follows - everything that is born inside me and emanates from me is Mine. My thoughts, reactions, feelings, actions, deeds.

Everything that makes up the inner content of my life is a material with which I can do something - here to pin it up, here to touch up, to put a prop here - it will hold it until I get stronger myself.

It is the same with the life of a stranger.

Many are confused by the adjective "stranger" when applied to the life of a loved one.

It seems, how can you consider someone else's life of a husband or wife, or parents, or a child, a bosom friend.

You can and should, I tell you. This is the life of a person close and dear to you, but this is someone else's territory.

So what is really in our power to do if we have no urge to look at the suffering of a loved one and so want to intervene and help?

First, ask yourself - is this really suffering?

Maybe he likes it that way?

Maybe what I perceive as suffering is for another person the only way to live, that's the only way he knows how and nothing else.

In most cases, this is the case. Many do not know how to receive love and attention otherwise than by being sick, for someone the only way to cope with their negative emotions or troubles is to constantly get drunk, and someone simply fills their existence with suffering, looking for reasons in the world around them, because this honorable and rewarded. But you never know what anybody's reasons.

If you asked yourself such a question and answered it honestly, then the desire to help falls off by itself. You will suddenly realize that you cannot force a person to change his way of life by any means. Even God is not subject to this, because he gave free will to man.

Therefore, the only person who can change his life is the person himself. And then on condition that he really wants it and he has high motivation.

And this motivation is formed only in a single case - in a repeated and painful encounter with reality. When life pushes against the wall, when the level of pain goes off scale and a person understands - that's it, I can't do that anymore, when changes are already a matter of survival.

Some people need to lose everything in order to finally think, start asking questions and looking for answers.

And many will never ripen to this in their lives, so they will be sick, complain, take offense, accuse - everyone has their own repertoire. And is it worth then to spend yourself helping such people?

So what can we really do for another person? How can I help you?

Support, ask or suggest, give information. ALL!!!

What is included in each of these concepts.

SUPPORT.

- I can see how much it hurts. (scary, insulting, bitter, etc. according to the situation).

- I'm sorry.

“If I were you, I would feel the same.

- I understand how hard it is for you.

ASK or PROPOSE.

- Can I help you with something?

- What help do you need?

- Tell me, what can I do for you in this situation?

- You can count on me, if you need to do something, call.

- I offer you my help, tell me, what can it be?

GIVE INFORMATION.

- I have the phone number of a good doctor, if need be.

- There is such a forum where people who find themselves in a similar situation communicate.

- There is a good book on this topic.

- If you want, I can give the coordinates of a good psychologist.

Giving information is not always appropriate. There are situations when you just need to hug a person or sit next to him in silence.

In any case, if you decide to share information, do not push and insist.

“Maybe you should try…” or “This helped me in due time…”.

If you offer help, you must be prepared that it may not be accepted.

To see how a loved one suffers, and to know how to help him, and to be sure that this is what will help him, but he does not take, refuses - it can be painful …

This pain is on my territory. I can do something with her. I can pass it, live it and let it go.

The choice of the other - to accept help or not to accept - is on his territory. And then my influence ends.

What can I do? There is only one thing - to respect his right to this choice, to accept it, to give him the opportunity to go through his sufferings, to understand something, to grow up.

Or don't grow up. When a person chooses not to grow, it turns out to be the hardest to accept. But it is important to remember that no one can be made happy by force.

Imagine that you have stepped onto an escalator that is moving towards you - after all, it is a good thing to help those in need, isn't it, then everything around should turn to you and help, go towards you.

You step on this escalator and you are taking steps forward - you are taking steps forward, towards the person to help, right?

Now look - the escalator is moving towards you, you step forward, but you remain in one place. Nothing changes - you waste strength, energy, time, but nothing changes. Such a metaphor came to mind …

There is another side to all this - you yourself. If you are constantly drawn to help others, if you surround yourself with unhappy people who supposedly constantly need your participation, if you postpone your affairs for the sake of others, then this is a very good situation to ask yourself - why is this so? what is behind this? what is my role in all this? You can learn a lot of interesting things about yourself.

If you often hear in your head:

- I think about her all the time, I can't concentrate on my business, - I feel that I should be next to …

- how can I rejoice when they suffer so much

- I feel guilty if I can't help … - stop and help! YOURSELF!

As for others … By our desire to help, to spread straws, to protect - we deprive them of the opportunity to grow, we protect them from a painful collision with reality.

But that's the only thing they need to finally start changing.