2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Every mother sooner or later faces the hysteria of her beloved child. Rarely will anyone escape this fate, especially in our time.
Since you are reading this article, it means that you are faced with this not very pleasant and unsettling phenomenon
Tantrum through the eyes of a child.
Imagine this situation - you are a 3-year-old child, spent half a day or a whole day in kindergarten, not seeing mom and dad surrounded by a large number of children. We have experienced many events that day - games, showdowns, falls, failures, the mood of the teacher …
And then uraaaaa, a long-awaited meeting. A breathless mother flies into the group, calls, quickly dresses and drags to the store or somewhere else on her very important business. You have so much news that you may be upset, hungry, sleepy, or not feeling well.
It's hot in the store, there are a lot of people and you really need this bear, and not juice or an apple. Being in already rather upset feelings, dreaming of attention and understanding, you demand a bear, to which you get the answer - no, an apple is healthier. The dam leaks (if mom misses this delicate moment), the water pushes the remains of the barrier with all its might and a flood occurs. Can't hear, see nothing, disorientation and darkness.
Bad and incomprehensible. From somewhere you can hear a mother's cry “I got up quickly or now I’ll beat you, shame on the floor, it’s not good to wipe the floor, people are watching” …
And then the beloved mother breaks down and starts spanking or hitting. More painful and worse. Having exhausted all the reserves of educational influences, mother uses the last weapon - she packs up and leaves, announcing this in a loud voice. It's scary, painful, offensive, it's impossible to cope with overwhelming emotions, and fear is added to them - what if my mother really leaves and leaves me.
Now ask yourself these questions:
Do you think the tactics described above will help you, being not even a child, but an adult, to calm down?
When you go into a wedge and your husband, mother, or a friend does things like that to you (shouts, hits, threatens to leave), do you feel better?
What do you want in a moment of tantrum and in a situation where emotions get out of control?
Do your needs and desires differ from the desires of a child who does not have the experience, knowledge and strength to experience so much in a short period of time?
First aid for mom.
The first and most difficult thing is NOT TO GET INVOLVED. If hysterics pulled you in, you lost the battle.
The second is to pull yourself together and look at the child as someone who is very bad, and not as a tyrant and despot who spoils your life.
The third is to keep in mind that this happens to almost all healthy children and this episode is not your pedagogical failure.
The fourth is to keep the focus of attention on the child. Not on grandmothers, passers-by, a saleswoman or others who surround you at this moment, if you are in a crowded place. The most important thing is your child.
Fifth - breathe, drink water, find by all means a fulcrum within yourself or a door that will lead you to a calm state.
The condition of the child with severe hysteria:
- emotional intensity, - non-perception of reality, - disorientation, - the inability to quickly stop their experiences.
First aid for a child.
Show him with your state that you are calm and close.
Try to get in touch with the child - with your eyes, words, pick it up from the floor and take it in your arms, if given, hug it. Do it calmly and without aggression.
Talk to him in a quiet and calm voice, even if you understand that he cannot hear you yet. Keep talking, trying to calm and comfort.
You can shake it as you did as a child, continuing to calm it down.
Take away from a crowded place.
Console until you see that he hears you and begins to bounce back.
When you establish contact with the child and understand that he has calmed down, briefly and calmly describe the situation and the baby's feelings - “You were upset, screamed and cried a lot. You don’t need to do that anymore.”Based on the age of the child, make the explanation simpler or more voluminous.
Try to take your child home and distract him with play. Depending on the temperament, the children move away from severe tantrums for a different period of time. Someone is unsettled by such an emotional outburst for half a day, while someone needs an hour to recover.
What not to do during a tantrum:
Join the child's tantrum with irritation, anger, or anger.
Losing control of yourself.
Scream at the child and scold him.
Physically punish the child.
Threaten or imitate leaving.
Why can't this be done?
When you lose control of yourself, you are overwhelmed with strong emotions - irritation, which can develop into anger, and then anger. It is always easier to cope with a less intense feeling and stop it at the stage of formation. Even if you don’t immediately understand what I’m talking about, you have a choice - let the irritation turn into anger or not. At the beginning of any feeling, there is a small gap when you choose to let the feeling move or not, the main thing is not to miss this moment.
When you lose control of yourself, you are emotionally equated with a child. You show him an illogical model - I am furious and angry in response to your tantrum, but I demand that you stop. Such a double message inflames the already heated feelings of the child to the limit. The kid cannot rely on your calm reaction and learn the correct behavior in a difficult situation for him. If an adult in a difficult situation does not give the child support and an example of experiencing difficult feelings next to him, then in what way is he better than his child?
When an adult breaks down to scream, it means that he gave his emotions a go and admitted his parental helplessness. The cry of an adult acts on a child who is hysterical, like a red rag on a bull. In the child's mind, it looks like this - I feel bad, and if mom / dad is bad, then I feel even worse.
If slaps and slaps or other physical punishment are added to the scream, this aggravates the tantrum at times. Severe hysteria is always a cry for help. To all the feelings involved in hysterics, you add fear, resentment, and suppressed anger.
Threats to withdrawal or withdrawal work in a similar way, because the child believes you and believes that you can really leave him.
The most effective means of preventing hysteria is the ABILITY TO DO NOT ALLOW it.
For this I will give a few simple recommendations:
You need to learn to recognize a tantrum. In a calm environment, sit down and analyze what triggers the child's tantrum and describe in detail all situations. At a store or at a party, in the morning or in the afternoon, on an empty stomach, when I didn’t sleep, after kindergarten or guests, when I’m overtired, because of the arrival of Masha’s girl or Dima’s friend … Some picture must be cleared up. The child signals with hysteria that something has gone wrong. Separately, I consider the case if the hysterics are constant and incessant - that's another topic.
Avoid situations where there is a risk that a tantrum will happen. On the basis of your analysis, some kind of pattern should be built - what is going wrong and what needs to be changed.
Determine the deficit. If you have not identified any pattern, think about what the child lacks - your attention, care, love, warmth. Why did he choose this way to get your attention.
What's wrong with the family? Think about what is happening in your family now and if the child's behavior is a signal that something is wrong in the relationship between you and your husband / wife / mother-in-law / father-in-law …
Borders and parenting. Analyze the issue of limits and prohibitions in your family - it can be very tough and there are many restrictions on freedom and choice, or vice versa, a lot of freedom and permissiveness. What boundaries do you set for your child. Are all family members involved in raising a child logical and consistent in relation to him.
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