2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Remember and love
Only people bury their loved ones, and this has a deep psychological meaning. To bury - does not mean to reject or delete from your life, but on the contrary: from the word "keep" - to preserve, to hide in your memory.
Try to look at the grief from the other side, as evidence that you had someone to love, and there was someone who loved you. There is such an expression: "We mourn the one whom we have lost, but we should rejoice at what we had in general." Perhaps in the early stages of grief it is difficult to find the strength to rejoice. Start at least with the realization that there was such a person in your life. What exactly did he leave in his memory warm memories, love and care, which will warm and serve as a resource in later life. Perhaps grief is the price we pay for love. If we did not love anyone, then we would not suffer, having lost. This is about us, about people who can love, and lose, and grieve. This is about our life. And it is impossible to live it in any other way.
Don't rush yourself
The return to life cannot always be accelerated and it is not always worth doing it. Burning is a long process. Typically, it lasts 9 to 12 months. Sometimes it takes up to two years. And if this is the loss of a child, then before the age of five, and often the whole life becomes already different.
There are time periods in living losses that are worth remembering. It is 3 days, 9 days, 40 days and the anniversary of death. If on the day of death and funeral a person experiences very severe pain, then on the 9th day the pain does not go away, but these are slightly different sensations that can be endured. For 40 days it is again sadness and pain, but the sensations change a little, become even more bearable. On the anniversary of death, a person feels exactly different than on all previous dates. Perhaps it is no coincidence that most religions set aside one year for mourning.
Express sorrow
The way out of grief is through grief. There is no other recipe for a harmonious recovery from loss. You will not be able to quickly "pull yourself together" or avoid excruciating experiences. From what they run away from, it overtakes. Allow yourself to live the loss of someone who was an important part of your life, step by step through the peak of your greatest experiences.
Your condition will change periodically. You will feel grief, guilt, loneliness, anger, despair, depression, abandonment. It will get easier at times, and then strong emotions will flood again. These are all normal human responses to loss.
The first year is the most painful, because you need to live the first Christmas without a loved one, the first birthday, anniversary and other dates that will be tinged with sadness. Many things and situations will remind you of the past. Use the nicest ones as a self-help resource. You can remember these moments with your family, revise photo albums, create a "Family tree", write a family biography for future generations.
Take care of children
The feelings of children depend on the reaction of the parents. If the latter are overwhelmed by the aftermath of a tragic event, they may become emotionally unavailable to their children. Thus, the younger family members are often forced to take on a parenting role in difficult situations, for which they are not yet ready either physically or psychologically.
It is important to tell the children the truth about what is going on. They sense when they are being lied to, and it is the lie that can raise the suspicion that everything is even worse than it really is. Of course, this truth should be different for different ages. Information for small and large will be different, but it should help children separate reality from fantasy.
Children up to two years old do not need to talk about death. Children of three to five years old also do not fully understand what it is, so they can be told that the deceased has gone somewhere far away. And only children after five years old need to be very careful to tell, explain and grieve with them, while establishing bodily contact. Don't skimp on good memories. They will help babies accept the fact of loss and find a place in their heart for the memory of the deceased.
To share the grief
Sharing your experiences with family members is not so easy. By caring and protecting each other's feelings, parents and children tend to hide their suffering. Therefore, it is very important to find in your environment someone with whom you can share grief, experience, pain. All that a person experiences after the loss of a loved one. Express your emotions with words, looks, hugs, touch and, most importantly, tears. Grief must be wept, and wept in time. Otherwise, it can live in the body for many years, manifesting itself in various psychosomatic disorders.
Tears are our defensive reaction, and those who say: “Don't cry”, “Don't cry, you can't bring a person back with tears” do it badly. Yes, you will not return, but you should not forbid crying, if there is such a need. This is a normal reaction to a dire event.
Asking for help is not always a sign of weakness. However, not everyone knows how to do this. To do this, we (those who are nearby) must turn our attention to people who find themselves in a difficult situation, and devote our time to them. If a person has a need to speak out - to be able to listen. If he cannot or does not want to speak, just be around, accept and share his pain with him. It is not for nothing that they say that a misfortune divided in two is twice as easy to bear.
More articles on the topic of losses and experiences on my website rostislava.in.ua
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