WORKING WITH ATTACHMENT WOUNDS IN EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED SPRING THERAPY

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Attachment wounds are defined as a crime against human bonds and are expressed in the fact that a person is abandoned or betrayed at a critical moment of need. These crimes then create or reinforce feelings of insecurity in the attachment relationship. They are viewed as traumatic because they cause boundless fear and feelings of helplessness, if not addressed they impose severe restrictions on trust and intimacy. The power of such events and their impact on the relationship in a couple becomes especially pronounced. These incidents then arise as a sudden flashback of the traumatic event. Traumatized partners describe how images and memories of these wounds are easily awakened and hypervigilant for possible repetition or reminders of them. They talk about "freezing" themselves in contact with a partner, which corresponds to the theory of trauma.

At first glance, these incidents may seem trivial; in other cases, the potentially traumatic nature of these incidents is evident. A photo of a colleague's woman found in her husband's desk is perceived as an offensive event, but how destructive it turned out to be is not so obvious - until it turns out what was happening in the marital relationship at the time when the woman discovered the photo, and she was obvious at that time In this way, she tried to “prove” that she was a good sexual partner and decided to take frank steps to impress and please her husband in bed. Cheating may or may not become an attachment wound, depending on the context of the betrayal and the attributed change in significance in the context of attachment. A distressed couple is not able to process the incident in a satisfying way, usually the abuser's partner becomes defensive, from which he downplays the significance of the incident or simply distances himself when it comes to it.

Most couples have “grievances in general,” and some have these kinds of traumatic wounds. When a person screams for help, in a moment of extreme need or is in a state of extreme vulnerability, and his partner does not respond, ignores or does not attach importance to this, basic trust in the partner is undermined.

In the process of forgiving and healing attachment wounds, the following steps are highlighted.

• The description of the event is accompanied by severe distress. The traumatized partner says that he felt abandoned, helpless, suffered a serious blow to trust, which destroyed his faith in the reliability of the relationship. He speaks very emotionally, often inconsistently and abruptly; the incident is alive and well, it is not a quiet memory. The partner either devalues, denies the significance of the incident, or becomes defensive.
• With the support of the therapist, the traumatized spouse remains in contact with the wound and begins to talk about its impact and implications for attachment relationships. Anger and resentment translate into distinct experiences of pain, helplessness, fear, and shame. The link between trauma and the current negative cycle in relationships becomes clear.
• The partner, with the support of the therapist, begins to hear and understand the significance of the event. That partner then acknowledges the pain and suffering of the traumatized spouse and complements the story with what the event looked like to him.
• The injured partner then gently advances towards a more integrated and complete articulation of the injury. He allows another to witness his vulnerability.
• The second spouse becomes more emotionally involved, acknowledges their responsibility for the wound of attachment, and expresses empathy, regret, and / or remorse.
• With the help of the therapist, the traumatized partner runs the risk of asking the partner for comfort and care that was not there at the time of the traumatic event.
• The second partner responds in a caring manner, which acts as a medication for painful reliving of the original traumatic event. The partners can then work together to construct a new story for the event. For the traumatized partner, this narrative includes a clear and acceptable understanding of how the other partner behaved in this way and caused such pain at that time.

Once the attachment trauma processing process is complete, the therapist can more effectively promote trust and positive cycles of connection and reconciliation.

Literature

Johnson M. Practice of Emotionally Focused Marriage Therapy