Don't Ask Poplar For Pears

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Every woman has her own family history. Someone so values their chosen one that they simply clutch at the heart at the mere thought that the newly-made chosen one can leave, change or leave. I want to share today a story, rather the opposite. When people do not have overwhelming feelings for each other, but try to reasonably approach their relationships. But this option does not always end as expected. So, the story of Valeria, who recently wrote me a letter with a postscript: the consultation is over, but the therapy continues, thank you.

“My case is far from the only one. I met a person, I immediately understood that in some way it did not reach the desired image of my chosen one. But age, it's time to get married, give birth, and the prince can wait all his life. I thought it’s okay, I’ll pull up, educate, change, instill the necessary habits. The most important thing is that we are sympathetic to each other, our goals coincide: we both want a family, children, and the rest is little things in life.

The first year, of course, wasn't perfect. But we both tried to somehow adjust to each other. A daughter was born. It would seem that this circumstance should unite us even more, but it turned out somehow the opposite. The daughter was another factor that brought disagreement into our relationship. For example, one major scandal occurred over the question: whether it is necessary to tie a bow on the girl's head for a family photo or not. I wanted my daughter to wear a bow, my husband was against it. So we sit in this photo: I am angry, my daughter is gloomy, my husband is happy. You can find a compromise by discussing the route for your summer vacation, which dishes do who prefers. But in everyday life it is impossible to adapt to each other all the time. Each of us has our own picture in our heads, our own expectations.

No, we honestly tried to take turns taking turns: his script and my script. I cannot say that my husband did not like conversations and arguments with me. I saw genuine admiration in his eyes. He was proud of me. But, every time I noticed how hard it was with me. My friends strained him because they had to explain some elementary things to him so that he could "be in the subject." I often caught myself thinking that with a simpler woman he would be comfortable, and he would be happy, and she could be happy. Not mine! Well, it's not mine … Realization of this prompted me to think about divorce for the first time. When one person is constantly developing and, therefore, changing, while the other stands still, such a decision is simply inevitable. And nothing can hold back in these relations: neither financial difficulties, nor the interests of the child, nor a habit.

I have one life. In addition to my responsibilities to the child, I have an obligation to myself: to live my life as happily as possible. Nobody else is in charge of my life. All these thoughts were spinning in my head. Sometimes I was sorry to lose my well-established life, I was frightened by the thought of dividing the jointly acquired property, and then my daughter loved dad very much. In addition, to be honest, there were some family traditions that we both liked. I don’t know how long our joint existence would have continued if …

One day, at last, another woman did not appear. My husband at that time was already on his feet, his monthly income was decent for our city. And the young and beautiful need just such a stable, hardworking peasant, which even a child will be able to make, and will be able to provide bread with red caviar. I don’t know how they have grown together there. First, he introduced her to me as his new dispatcher who accepts applications. How long he could fool me I don’t know. But the girl turned out to be impudent, courageous and she herself took, as they say, the bull by the horns. She began to call me, our daughter and, with a hysterical confession, talk about the depth of her love, about the juicy details of their relationship, that love justifies everything!

At first I was shocked! It's just a shock: how could my husband do this, behind my back ?! Then anger came to replace: how is it that some brat will control me ?! Yes, in spite of her, I will not let go of my dear and dear husband! Can't wait! After all, the wife is me! When the first passions subsided, the showdown was over, I felt great relief. Yes, it’s a relief that I can leave the relationship so unobtrusively that I have long been weary of myself, and not feel guilty in front of such a “good” husband, and in front of my daughter that I could not keep a stable world of the family hearth for her … That this situation is even more beneficial for me than for my narrow-minded, albeit positive, husband. And after all, no one had thought of this, only me. What a fine fellow I am!

And I built my further behavior with Nordic composure. No, I was not going to leave my husband with nothing. But I clearly set the accents, which for me needs to be preserved. I had a calm conversation with my husband. He was frankly not ready for such a turn of events. He naively believed that the situation of a love triangle would "refresh" our relationship and show me how dear he is to me. No! This situation showed me once again that the chosen one worthy of me could never do this to me, to his daughter. Why should I live with the unworthy ?! And I was even more convinced that it was not worth asking for pears from a poplar: he never had and never will, no matter how much I plant cultural shoots in him. We are from different worlds, from different planets and we have, forgive me for being straightforward, different brains and values.

We divorced. I can't say that I was immediately happy. There were situations when I regretted and reproached myself for my decision. They passed, and relief came. Now I am sure that if I had stayed with him for some more time, I would have been prepared for a clinic of neuroses. Remembering my former family life, now I say to myself only one phrase: "Thank God that he left!"

Recently my daughter and I were drinking tea, talking about the relativity of everything in the world, and she said the following phrase: “You know, when dad left, I thought that all the good things in my life were over. And now, communicating with him, every time I understand: everything is for the better. And it's just happiness that you are not together."

Do not deceive yourself: it is impossible to remake anyone, and to break it is inhuman. Letting go on time is a vital necessity, not a desperation. This is one of the facets of love and gratitude, if you will."

Valeria came to me for a consultation at a time when it was difficult for her to make a decision: to break off the relationship or keep it. During the consultation, I supported her still vague desire to divorce, although I warned that after this step she would experience a gamut of a wide variety of emotions. Why did I do this?

Sometimes leaving is the only way out. Divorce is not always the destruction of something in your life, it is often a stepping stone to allowing the necessary change into your life. It's good that some people leave without completely destroying their partner's personality. They leave him, albeit with pain and a share of disappointment, but alive and able to live on. Sometimes, all you can do good for each other is to end the relationship. The departure of some is the lesser of possible evils …