2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Each child has five inherent characteristics: he is valuable, he is vulnerable, he is imperfect, he is dependent, he is immature (characteristics according to the concept of Mellody P., Miller A. W., 1989). Nobody chooses these characteristics, they are possessed by absolutely every child from birth. He is so because of his age. Not all parents are able to recognize the right of their child to these characteristics, and if parents do not quite skillfully handle them, then they can be distorted and turn into signs of codependency.
Valuable
The value of a child is determined by the very fact of his birth and existence. It is valuable because it is. Anyone is valuable: weak and strong, healthy and sick, brave and fearful, smart and stupid, calm and noisy, etc. The value of a child is not determined by his abilities, his successes, the benefits that parents receive from his birth. This characteristic allows the child to BE: to be as he is (with his own pace of development, with his abilities and skills) and be simply alive and belonging (in terms of belonging, and not material characteristics) to his parents.
Careful handling of the child's value forms in adulthood self-esteem, which has an internal source and naturally flows from within.
In contrast, in a codependent adult, self-esteem is often dependent on external circumstances. Of course, self-esteem is a dynamic system, but in this case the only reference point that determines it is outside. Those. not being able to determine his appearance himself, for example, from such a person you can often hear "Am I handsome?", "Am I fat?" etc. Such a person is dependent on the environment.
Vulnerable
The child is gentle and vulnerable. He is not yet able to fully defend himself. In this vulnerability, he needs a strong and stable adult who can secure his little world. An injured child is often a victim (parent or other adult) who is unable to protect himself. Moreover, he should not perform this function, this is the function of an adult. Vulnerability manifests itself both physically (the child is weaker and cannot do much), and psychologically and emotionally.
A child who may have remained vulnerable in childhood also has this characteristic in an adult state, but he already has the ability to protect himself.
The codependent adult has difficulty establishing boundaries of protection. They can be either overly shaky or overly harsh. Shaky boundaries are manifested in the inability to defend oneself (physically and psychologically) and in the inability to see the fact of their violation at all (this is most often manifested emotionally: anger and tension). Hard boundaries have the same reason, but they manifest themselves in a slightly different way: either by knowingly aggressive behavior (protection enters even in inadequate and not dangerous situations), or by absolute insensitivity (by anesthesia itself).
Imperfect
There are no perfect people and no perfect children. Perfection is invented by adults and imposed on children in the form of rules and requirements (“Fries don’t cry,” “Girls must play with dolls,” etc.). A child cannot achieve everything on his own without the help of an adult. Before demanding anything, an adult MUST teach - this is his task. The task of the child is to go his own way. This path will depend on his capabilities and desires. Perfection is a fiction; it does not bring happiness and pleasure. The only thing that it gives is nervous tension and fatigue.
A child, who was not required to be perfect, in an adult state is able to calmly perceive his imperfection. In addition, it is precisely because of his imperfection that he is able to ask for help.
It is very difficult for a codependent adult to come to terms with reality. It is difficult for him to admit that he is unable to do something or is not able to do something. It is very difficult for such an adult to ask for help. He must do everything himself. His whole life is a must. He must be perfect in everything and requires the same from others.
Dependent
The dependence of a child on an adult is unconditional. He is not able to feed himself, provide, warm, protect, etc. This characteristic is reflected in the child's inability to do something (due to age impossibility). However, the child's addiction does not give the parent privilege to dispose of it. Feeding, protection, education, etc. are the functions of parents and children do not owe them anything for this. Rather, parents owe children up to a certain age and within reason, of course. The child should not perform the functions of an adult, his tasks should be proportionate to his age.
The characteristic of dependence from childhood to adulthood turns into the form of interdependence. There are no absolutely independent people, we are always dependent on something in one way or another. In this case, a person is able to be dependent where it is necessary and useful for him, and free when he wants it.
The codependent adult has difficulty taking care of himself, satisfying his desires and needs. Such an adult always needs someone who will protect him, love him, provide him.
Immature
This characteristic means that the requirements, capabilities and responsibilities of the child's age are met. You cannot demand from a child what he cannot or cannot yet. A child should not be required to be an adult or to act like an adult. If the requirements are commensurate with the capabilities in childhood, then in adulthood such a person will show the maturity corresponding to his years. The codependent adult will have difficulty dealing with reality at the level of his age. Here you can see a woman manifesting herself as a girl, or a man still much younger than real in his age-appropriate actions.
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