2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10
One of the components of depression is crying inwardly on its own. Constant, incessant crying. This is how a child can cry, whose trust has been betrayed
Our children's stories are full of situations where something serious happened, but the psyche carefully hid everything from us. I have clients who practically do not remember their childhood, whole chunks of memory fall out of their memory, for example, "from 7 to 13 years old - where have I been, what did I do? … I don't remember anything …"
Someone can only remember the episodes: “I was presented with a doll. But dad hid it for some reason. I was looking for her for a long time. Then I found it. I couldn't believe it was me. But dad said that this doll was bought for another girl, not for me. I was very confused. Everyone was laughing. Probably, from the outside it was funny. I went to kindergarten then. This doll was the limit of all my dreams.”
Small stories flash like flashes of light in the darkness of memory. Memory stores and carefully hides from us that which was too much. Loss, betrayal, incomprehensible behavior of parents, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles, their strange love. The memory hides the context, but the feeling cannot be forgotten. How the meaning of an anecdote can disappear, but what was funny is remembered well.
The past remains forever in the memory of the body, in our personal history.
Experience that is not integrated, meaningless, undigested, continues to be digested for years
The once adequate, but stopped reaction of the psyche to what happened makes grief a permanent state. This is how the psyche tries to complete what it started and experience what happened.
The basis for the integration of experience is the recognition of what it was. Recognition of the severity of the damage. Loss estimate.
The main problem is that the family is trying with all its might to close its eyes to what happened, pretend that nothing happened and live on. Whatever horrors are done to the child, most often the position of the family - I don’t carry anything, I don’t know anything, I’ll never tell anyone. The damage done to the child is devalued: “These are all little things, stop it!” And then the very fact that something happened is questioned: “You invented everything, it seemed to you”.
“Short memory” is one of the survival strategies. The generation that survived hunger, wars, shootings, murders, death of their own children had to learn to quickly forget everything. And devalue the severity of what happened. On the other hand, whatever happens in peacetime pales in comparison with what they had to see. Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers taught us and our mothers "not to remember evil" and "not to invent anything for ourselves."
In my practice, there are client stories when a woman decides to present an invoice to her family and tell about what happened to her. She talks about cases of sexual abuse by a father, stepfather or uncle. But the perpetrators, and those who were in the know, but closed their eyes, not only do not apologize and do not recognize part of their responsibility for what is happening, but also accuses her of trying to embroil everyone, “wash dirty linen in public”, and that, most likely - just making up everything.
Ursula Wirtz - the author of the book “Killing the Soul” writes that all women who seek to restore justice should be ready for such a reaction.
Recognizing the damage and returning responsibility for what happened to all those who took part is a difficult path.
The very fact of admitting that it was with me and admitting the amount of damage done to me becomes healing
The chain of events is being restored. A person becomes able to adequately assess what happened to him. To survive loss, betrayal, accept the hardest events in your life and evaluate the damage that has been done to him.
The wound of the soul is discovered and "sutured". Yes, the scar on her will always remind of the past, but at least she will no longer bleed. And the scar will become a part of life experience that you can rely on.
Growing up, people continue to use the “short memory” strategy in their adult life
Women living in co-dependent relationships with alcoholic husbands or domestic despots have learned to masterly forget any violence against them and their children. Each new trick of the husband or his next binge is perceived as something that happened for the first time.
To admit that it was before, to see your life in daylight means destroying an already shaky world, losing what a woman takes for affection and love.
Is this why mothers cover up their husbands when they abuse their children? In order not to destroy the "bad world" … The circle is closed.
This succession of tacit assistance continues until someone in the family system takes the liberty of admitting what is happening. Make it obvious first to yourself and then to your family.
Family systems also mature like humans.and growing up is inextricably linked with autonomy, with respect for boundaries and the value of each individual. and above all yourself
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The text of the article has nothing to do with the autobiography of the artist, just her paintings very harmoniously "laid down" on it.
This article is a continuation of the article: “Under the Yoke of Permafrost. Half life or hidden depression."
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