About Love .. About Relationships .. About Communication

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

… Love in the full sense of the word can be considered only that which seems to be its ideal embodiment - namely, connection with another person, provided that the integrity of one's "I" is preserved. All other forms of love attraction are immature, they can be called a symbiotic relationship, that is, a relationship of coexistence.

The symbiotic relationship has a biological prototype in nature - it is the closeness between the mother and the fetus in her womb. They are two different creatures, but at the same time they are one. They live together and need each other. The embryo is part of the mother; mother is his world, he receives from her everything that he needs for life. The mother's life is also dependent on him.

In mental symbiosis, two people are independent of each other, but psychologically they are inseparable. In other words, this is the union of one person with another, in which each of them loses its personal content and becomes completely dependent on the other.

The passive form of symbiotic communication is MAZOHISM (submission). The masochistic personality overcomes his psychological loneliness, inherent in everyone, becoming an integral part of another person. This "other" guides her, guides her, protects her; he becomes her life, her air. Uncomplainingly submitting to some personality, the masochist incredibly exaggerates her strength and dignity, belittling himself in every possible way. He is everything and I am nothing; I mean something only insofar as I am a part of it. As a part of it, I become involved in its glory, its greatness.

A relationship based on masochistic love is inherently idolatry. This psychological feeling is manifested not only in erotic experiences. It can be expressed in masochistic attachment to God, fate, the head of state, music, illness and, of course, to a specific person. In the latter case, a masochistic attitude can be combined with physical attraction, and then a person is subdued not only by his soul, but also by his body.

The most common forms of masochistic manifestations are feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, and worthlessness. People who experience this try to get rid of it, but in their subconscious there is a certain force that makes them feel inferior.

In more severe cases, along with a constant need for submission and self-suppression, there is a passionate desire to inflict suffering on oneself, pain. These aspirations are expressed in different ways. There are people who revel in criticism of the person they idolize; they themselves inculcate such accusations that their worst enemies would not have invented. Others are prone to physical illness, deliberately bringing their suffering to such an extent that they actually become victims of illness or accidents. Some turn against themselves those whom they love and on whom they depend, although in fact they have the best feelings for them. They seem to do everything to harm themselves as much as possible.

In masochistic perversion, a person is able to experience sexual arousal when his partner hurts him. But this is not the only form of masochistic perversion. Often, excitement and satisfaction is achieved by the state of one's own physical weakness. It so happens that the masochist is content with only moral weakness: he needs the object of his love to treat him like a small child, or to humiliate and insult him.

Moral masochism and masochism as sexual perversion are extremely close. In fact, they are one and the same phenomenon, which is based on the original desire of a person to get rid of the unbearable feeling of loneliness. A frightened person is looking for someone with whom he could connect life, he cannot be himself and tries to gain confidence by getting rid of his own "I". On the other hand, he is driven by the desire to become part of a stronger whole, to dissolve in another. Renouncing his individuality, from freedom, he gains confidence in his involvement in the power and greatness of the one whom he worships. Uncertain of himself, suppressed by anxiety and a sense of his own powerlessness, a person tries to find protection in masochistic attachments. But these attempts always end in failure, since the manifestation of his "I" is irreversible, and a person, no matter how much he wants it, cannot merge completely into one whole with the one to whom he clung. Irreconcilable contradictions always exist and will continue to exist between them.

Almost the same reasons underlie the active form of symbiotic relationship called SADISM (domination). The sadistic person seeks to free himself from painful loneliness, turning the other person into a part of himself. The sadist asserts himself by subordinating himself completely to the person he loves.

Three types of sadistic attachment can be distinguished:

The first type consists in the desire to make another person dependent on himself, to acquire unlimited power over him, to make him "obedient clay" in his hands.

The second type is expressed in the desire not only to rule over another person, but also to exploit him, to use him for his own purposes, to take possession of everything that he has of value. This applies not so much to material things as, first of all, to the moral and intellectual qualities of a person dependent on a sadist.

The third type is the desire to cause suffering to another person or to see how he suffers. The purpose of such a desire may be to actively inflict suffering (humiliate, intimidate, hurt yourself) and passively observe the suffering.

Obviously, sadistic tendencies are more difficult to grasp and explain than masochistic ones. Plus, they're not as socially harmless. The desires of a sadist are often expressed in a veiled form of overkindness and over-concern for another person. Often a sadist justifies his feelings and behavior, guided by considerations such as: "I control you because I know better than you what is best for you", "I am so extraordinary and unique that I have the right to subjugate others"; or: "I have done so much for you that now I have the right to take whatever I want from you"; and more: "I suffered insults from others and now I want to take revenge - this is my legal right", "By hitting first, I protect myself and my loved ones from being hit."

In the attitude of the sadist to the object of his inclinations, there is a factor that makes his actions akin to masochistic manifestations - this is absolute dependence on the object.

For example, a man sadistically mocks a woman who loves him. When her patience comes to an end and she leaves him, he completely unexpectedly for her and for himself falls into extreme despair, begs her to stay, assures her of his love and says that he cannot live without her. As a rule, a loving woman believes him and stays. Then everything starts all over again, and so on without end. The woman is sure that he deceived her when he assured her that he loved and could not live without her. As for love, it all depends on what is meant by this word. But the sadist's assertion that he cannot live without her is pure truth. He really cannot live without the object of his sadistic aspirations and suffers like a child who has his favorite toy torn out of his hands.

Therefore, it is not surprising that the feeling of love manifests itself in a sadist only when his relationship with a loved one is about to break. But in other cases, the sadist, of course, "loves" his victim, as he loves everyone over whom he exercises his power. And, as a rule, he justifies this imperiousness in relation to another person by the fact that he loves him very much. In fact, the opposite is true. He loves another person precisely because he is in his power.

Sadistic love can manifest itself in the most wonderful forms. He gives gifts to his beloved, assures of eternal devotion, wins over with wit in conversations and exquisite handling, demonstrates care and attention in every possible way. A sadist can give the person he loves everything except freedom and independence. Very often, such examples are found in the relationship between parents and children.

What is the essence of sadistic motives? The desire to hurt and suffering is not an end in itself. All forms of sadism are reduced to a single desire - to completely master another person, to become his absolute master, to penetrate into his very essence, to become God for him.

Seeking such unlimited power over another person, forcing him to think and act at his will, turning him into his property, the sadist seems to be desperately trying to comprehend the mystery of human nature, human existence. Thus, sadism can be called an extreme manifestation of the knowledge of another person. One of the main reasons for cruelty and craving for destruction lies in this passionate desire to penetrate into the secret of man, and therefore into the secret of his "I".

A similar desire can often be observed in children. The child breaks the toy to find out what is inside; with amazing cruelty, he rips off the wings of a butterfly, trying to guess the secret of this creature. From this it is clear that the main, deepest reason for cruelty lies in the desire to know the secret of life.

As mentioned earlier, both of these phenomena are symbiotic and therefore closely related to each other. A person is not only a sadist or only a masochist. There is a close interaction between the active and passive manifestations of the symbiotic relationship, and therefore it is sometimes quite difficult to determine which of the two passions takes possession of a person at a certain moment. But in both cases, the personality loses its individuality and freedom.

The victims of these two pernicious passions live in constant dependence on the other person and at his expense. Both the sadist and the masochist, in their own way, satisfy the need for intimacy with a loved one, but both suffer from their own powerlessness and lack of faith in themselves as a person, for this requires freedom and independence.

Passion based on submission or domination never leads to satisfaction, because no amount of submission or domination, no matter how great it may be, can give a person the feeling of complete oneness with a loved one. The sadist and masochist are never completely happy, as they try to achieve more and more.

The result of this passion is complete ruin. Otherwise it can not be. Aimed at achieving a sense of oneness with another, sadism and masochism at the same time destroy the sense of the integrity of the person himself. Those who are possessed by these passions are not capable of self-development, they become dependent on whoever they obey or who is enslaved.

There is only one passion that satisfies a person's need to connect with another, while at the same time preserving his integrity and individuality - this is LOVE. Love allows you to develop the inner activity of a person. Experiences of love make all illusions useless. A person no longer needs to exaggerate the dignity of another or the idea of himself, because the reality of love allows him to overcome his loneliness, feeling himself a part of those powerful forces that are contained in the act of love.

In love, man is one with the entire Universe, he discovers the whole world for himself, nevertheless remaining himself: a special, unique and at the same time limited and mortal being. It is from this polarity of unity and separation that love is born.

Love experiences lead to a paradoxical situation when two people become one, but at the same time remain two equal personalities.

True love is never limited to one person. If I love only one - the only one and no one else, if love for one person alienates me from other people and alienates me from them, then I am in a certain way attached to this person, but I do not love him. If I can say: "I love you," then by that I say: "In you I love all of humanity, the whole world, I love myself in you." Love is the opposite of selfishness, it makes a person, paradoxically, stronger and happier, and therefore more independent.

Love is a special way of knowing the secrets of oneself and another person. A person penetrates into another being, and his thirst for knowledge is quenched by connection with his beloved. In this unity, a person knows himself, another, the secret of all living things. He "knows" but does not "know." He comes to knowledge not by thinking, but by connecting with the one he loves.

The sadist is able to destroy the object of his passion, to tear it apart, but he cannot penetrate into the secret of his being. Only by loving, giving himself to another and penetrating into him, a person opens himself, reveals another, opens a person. The experience of love is the only answer to the question of what it means to be a human being, and only love can guarantee mental health.

For most people, the problem with love is first and foremost how to be loved. In fact, being loved is much easier than loving yourself. Love is an art and you need to be able to master it just like any other kind of art.

Love is always an action, a manifestation of the strength of human nature, which is possible only under the condition of complete freedom and never as a result of coercion. Love cannot be a passive manifestation of feeling, it is always active, you cannot "fall" into the state of love, you can "stay" in it.

The active nature of love manifests itself in several qualities. Let's dwell on each of them in detail.

Love first of all manifests itself in the desire to give, not to receive. What does "give" mean? For all its simplicity, this question is fraught with many ambiguities and difficulties. Most people understand the word "giving" in a completely false sense. "Giving" for them means "to give" something irrevocably, to be deprived of something, to sacrifice something. A person with a "market" psychology can willingly give, but in exchange he certainly wants to receive something; to give without receiving anything is to be deceived. People with this attitude in love usually refuse to give, giving, they feel impoverished. But there are those for whom "to give" means "to sacrifice", elevating this quality to virtue. It seems to them that it is necessary to give precisely because it causes suffering; the virtue of this act for them lies in the fact that they make some kind of sacrifice. They understand the moral norm "it is better to give than to receive" as "it is better to endure hardship than to experience joy."

For people who love actively and fruitfully, "giving" means something completely different. Giving is the highest manifestation of power. When I give, I feel my strength, my power, my wealth. And this awareness of my vitality, my power fills me with joy. Giving is much more joyful than receiving - not because it is a sacrifice, but because, in giving, I feel that I am living. It is easy to verify the validity of this feeling on specific examples. This is most fully seen in the field of sexual relations. The highest manifestation of male sexual function is to bestow; a man gives a woman a part of his body, a part of himself, and at the moment of orgasm - his seed. He cannot but give if he is a normal man; if he cannot give, then he is impotent. For a woman, the act of love means the same thing. She, too, surrenders, giving the man access to her nature; receiving the love of a man, she gives him hers. If she can only receive without giving anything, then she is frigid.

For a woman, the process of "giving" continues in motherhood. She gives herself to the child who lives in her. Not giving would be suffering for her.

From a material point of view, "to give" means "to be rich." Not the one rich who has a lot, but the one who gives a lot. A miser who protects his wealth, from a psychological point of view, looks like a beggar, no matter how great his fortune. The one who can and wants to give is rich, he feels able to give gifts to others. The one who has nothing is deprived of the joy of sharing with another person. It is known that the poor give more willingly than the rich. But when poverty reaches such a degree that there is nothing to give, the disintegration of the personality begins. It is caused not so much by the suffering of poverty as by the fact that a person is deprived of the joy of giving.

But, of course, it is much more important when a person gives to another not material, but specifically human values. He shares with the one he loves, himself, his life, the most precious thing he has. This does not mean that he should sacrifice his life for the sake of another person - he just shares with him everything that is in himself: his joy, interests, his thoughts, knowledge, mood, his grief and failures. Thus, a person, as it were, enriches another, increasing his vitality at the expense of his own. He gives without any purpose to get something in return, it just brings him joy. But when a person gives, he certainly brings something new into the life of another person, and this "something" somehow returns to him. Therefore, in giving, he still receives what is returned to him. By sharing with another person, we thereby encourage him to give, and thus we have the opportunity to share with him the joy that we ourselves have generated.

When two lovers give themselves to each other, “something” appears in their life, for which they cannot but thank fate. This means that love is the force that generates love. Failure to generate love is spiritual impotence. This idea was most vividly expressed by Karl Marx: “If we consider a person to be a person, and his attitude to the world is human, then one has to pay for love only with love, for trust - only with trust. In order to enjoy art, one must be properly educated; to influence other people, you must have the ability to encourage them to action, lead, support them. If we enter into any relationship with another person, then they must necessarily reflect our individual life, correspond to our will. If your love unrequited, if it does not generate love in response; if, by showing your love, you did not achieve the same feeling in another person and also did not become loved, then your love is weak, then it has failed."

Obviously, the ability to love, giving, depends on the individual characteristics of personality development. You can learn to love only by overcoming such qualities as dependence, selfishness, narcissism, a tendency to hoard and the habit of commanding other people. To love, a person must believe in his own strength, independently go towards the goal. The less developed these qualities in a person, the more he is afraid to give, which means he is afraid to love.

Love is always a concern. This is most clearly expressed in the love of a mother for her child. If a mother does not take care of the baby, forgets to bathe him and is careless about feeding him, does not seek to make him feel comfortable and calm, nothing will convince us that she loves him. The same is the case with love for animals or flowers. For example, if a woman says that she loves flowers very much, but she forgets to water them, then we will never believe in her love.

Love is an active concern and interest in the life and well-being of the one we love. If in the relationship of two people there is no such active concern, then there is no love there either.

Closely related to caring is another quality necessary in love - responsibility. Responsibility is often identified with duty, that is, with something imposed from the outside. In fact, this is a completely voluntary act. Responsibility in love should be understood as a response to the needs of a loved one. To be “responsible” means to be able and ready to “answer”.

When the Lord asked about his brother, Cain answered: "Am I my brother's keeper?" Thus, he seemed to demonstrate complete indifference to the fate of his brother and his dislike for him. Moreover, as we know, this indifference hid a much more terrible crime. The one who loves is always responsible for the other. His brother's life concerns himself. He feels the same responsibility for a loved one as for himself. In the case of maternal love, this responsibility primarily concerns the life and health of the child, his physical needs. In the love of two adults, we are talking about responsibility for the state of mind of the other, dictated by his needs.

An increased sense of responsibility could easily turn into suppression of another person, in the attitude to him as to property, if not for another quality that determines love - respect.

Respect is not fear or awe. Respecting another person means paying attention to him, observing him (in the good sense of the word); that is, to see him as he really is in all his individuality.

If I respect a person, then I am interested in him developing independently, along his own path. Thus, respect excludes the use of a loved one for their own purposes. I want the one I love to develop in his own way and for himself, and not in order to serve me and my interests. If I really love, then I do not separate myself from the person I love; but I recognize and love him as he is, and not as I would like to see him in order to fulfill my desires.

Obviously, I can respect the other only if I myself am an independent, independent person and do not need to use the other for my own purposes. Respect is possible only with freedom, the relationship of domination cannot generate love.

But it is impossible to respect a person without knowing him; and all the other qualities of love would not make sense if they were not based on knowledge. To love a person means to know. Knowledge, which is one of the signs of love, is never superficial, it penetrates to the very essence. This is possible only if I am able to rise above taking care of myself, to look at another person through his eyes, from the position of his own interests. For example, I know that a person close to me is angry with something, although he does not show it, tries to hide his condition, does not openly show it. I know him even more deeply if I see even the smallest concern or anxiety that lurks behind his irritation. If I see this, then I understand that his anger, anger is only an external manifestation of something deeper; that he is not so much angry as suffering.

Knowledge serves as an expression of love in another special aspect. The deep need to merge with another person in order to escape from the captivity of loneliness is closely related to the desire to know the "secret" of another person. I'm sure I know myself, but despite all my efforts, I still don't know myself. I can say the same about a loved one.

The paradox is that the deeper we penetrate into the depths of our being or the being of another person, the more we become convinced of the impossibility of achieving the goal of our knowledge. No matter how hard we strive, we cannot comprehend the mystery of the human soul. Only love can help us in this. Only it will allow us, if not to comprehend the secret of human existence, then at least to approach its innermost sources.