The Mathematics Of Marriage. About Things Real And Provable

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10

I beg your pardon, but I'm talking about the obvious today. Science can still do a lot of gitics, especially if you study it thoughtfully. Watch, investigate, analyze and be patient. And at popular lectures, psychologists do not have to report the obvious "Mice, you need to become hedgehogs!", But can talk about simple and practical things that are quite capable of changing something in your life

Yesterday I was at the lecture of Professor Yoram Juwel "Does love hurt?" He talked a lot about the research of John Gottman, who at one time impressed me with his thoroughness and patience. No wonder that Gottman's first doctorate was in mathematics.

Its theme is the sustainability of marriage. What does it depend on? Professor John Gottman approaches the question differently from most sociologists and psychologists who pester thousands of divorced couples with kilometer-long questionnaires. No matter how much you ask, there is not much information at this stage. Indeed, what can be answered to the question "Why did you split up?" - "Because life has become unbearable." Dot. Now, if it were possible at the beginning of the path to find symptoms that predict the strength of the relationship, or vice versa - their fragility …

Long-term research is needed to find this relationship. For 10 years, 20, 30, or even more. We need to find couples willing to follow this path together with researchers, budget and hellishly patient scientists, willing to work for decades for the sake of the pearl grain of regularities.

Gottman did it. Scientists at his institute have been recording the behavior of couples for many years in a row, inviting them to specially equipped cottages for weekends, recording quarrels, conflicts, and ordinary conversations. Tone, vocabulary, body language, facial expressions were analyzed. Tons of questionnaires were used to find out what the daily routine of such couples looks like. And all this in order, for example, in 20 years to rewind the film and figure out what is the difference between those couples who divorced from those who have preserved their marriage.

Strict facts - who kept the marriage, who divorced. Gottman did not find out how happy the couple is in their union.

• Let me note in passing that in the modern Western world, rather, those families where people feel good together are still preserved. The economic need to preserve marriage is no longer so pressing. This is one of the reasons for the large number of divorces, by the way))

The level of analysis of details reached the point that Professor Gottman, having looked at a five-minute record of a quarrel, could predict the strength of the relationship of this couple with an accuracy of 94% (!). Why quarrels? Because the ability to quarrel is one of the most important skills for family life, and for life in general. I already wrote about this in detail, (" title="Image" />

Long-term research is needed to find this relationship. For 10 years, 20, 30, or even more. We need to find couples willing to follow this path together with researchers, budget and hellishly patient scientists, willing to work for decades for the sake of the pearl grain of regularities.

Gottman did it. Scientists at his institute have been recording the behavior of couples for many years in a row, inviting them to specially equipped cottages for weekends, recording quarrels, conflicts, and ordinary conversations. Tone, vocabulary, body language, facial expressions were analyzed. Tons of questionnaires were used to find out what the daily routine of such couples looks like. And all this in order, for example, in 20 years to rewind the film and figure out what is the difference between those couples who divorced from those who have preserved their marriage.

Strict facts - who kept the marriage, who divorced. Gottman did not find out how happy the couple is in their union.

• Let me note in passing that in the modern Western world, rather, those families where people feel good together are still preserved. The economic need to preserve marriage is no longer so pressing. This is one of the reasons for the large number of divorces, by the way))

The level of analysis of details reached the point that Professor Gottman, having looked at a five-minute record of a quarrel, could predict the strength of the relationship of this couple with an accuracy of 94% (!). Why quarrels? Because the ability to quarrel is one of the most important skills for family life, and for life in general. I already wrote about this in detail, (

The number of quarrels does not affect the strength of the relationship.… If you often quarrel, this does not mean that you will necessarily get divorced, just as constant conflicts do not guarantee you a strong marriage either. It matters HOW you do it … Why? Because someone deceived you about the importance of compromises. More than 60% of family conflicts, like other conflicts, are insoluble. Like this. There is no adware win-win. If it is important for a wife to get a second education and change their profession, for example, and the husband thinks that they need a third child, then there is no compromise. And don't tell me that a wife can study in the intervals between toxicosis and feedings. For example, because she DOES NOT WANT. Or the husband wants to live in one country, and the wife wants to move. The option - to stay on an island in the middle is unlikely to suit anyone.



Still the same simple thought

And if the conflict is insoluble, then it ends when the parties get tired of quarreling and someone is the first to stretch out the olive branch of the world. Makes an almost imperceptible or overt gesture of reconciliation. And this is where the moment of truth comes. This is a very important predictive moment for a relationship. If the other party is able to stop at this moment and reach out a hand in response, most likely such a relationship will survive. It is not necessary to rush into each other's arms, not everyone can do it right away in the heat of a quarrel, but not biting the outstretched hand, not stinging, not pouring boiling water over, is it possible?

By the way, another important "symptom" is the reciprocity of partners' efforts. If someone is trying alone, then the more he tries, the worse the forecast for the marriage - at some point there is too much disappointment. Most often, women are the "trying" side, although men often fall into this trap.

And now about the facts. Nothing new, But efficiency is not about "new", it is about what works and has been tested by long-term research. What did the couples who managed to keep their marriage to do for many years?

1. Spent 2 minutes in the morning to tell each other about the plans for the day. Yes, yes, in the midst of the morning bustle, the gathering of children in kindergarten-school, spilled coffee and unfed cats. 2 x 5 = 10. Only 10 minutes per week (with a weekend break).

2. Didn't forget to turn off the TV)) Today there is another "hand of the devil" - a smartphone. You don't need any TV, at any moment you stuck into your phone and read the news, flip through your Facebook feed, watch a TV series or read "Snob". So, the surviving couples, they say, ate dinner without television and spent as much as 20 minutes a day talking to each other. Without interrogation with passion, just "about shoes and sealing wax, cabbage, kings …". 20 x 5 = 1 hour 20 minutes a week.

3. Every day they found something to admire in a partner or for something to praise. Well, what if a person suddenly put the dishes in the dishwasher or solved Fermat's theorem? When I write "man" I mean both men and women. We, thank God, are not born with the gene for love of the household either. Just 5 minutes. Every day. 5 x 7 = 35 minutes (here without discounts on weekends).



4. Body contact. No, this is not about passionate, stormy and unforgettable sex, although it is also not forbidden at all. The surviving couples did not miss the opportunity to hug each other, stroke, kiss, touch

Total: Three hours a week

More from the research of John Gottman. It is believed that "different kinds of tenderness" are needed mainly by women, while men and mimimeter do not have this at all. Dudki. If a woman does not receive affectionate words and even just touches from a man, her friends or relatives can often add to her. We girls are much more generous with a kind word. But a man usually has nowhere else to get his "portion". Well, unless voluntary donors appear

5. Weekly date. At least two hours. Be sure to leave the house. A romantic dinner in front of the TV, even with candles, is typical cheating and, in general, does not count. Science has recorded: a credit date is when you a) left the house b) only two of you c) do what you both like.

In general, everything is simple. And no, I am not recommending anything to you. Remember, this is meticulously collected data from long-term research.

Morality will not be)))