Mom's Double Trap

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The mother contains the emotions of her children. But in order to withstand their vivid manifestations - tantrums, crying, demands, she herself needs to be in the resource. In order for the well to always be full of clean water, it must come from somewhere.

It is impossible to just scoop out. If a mother does not prioritize replenishing her own resources, she sooner or later falls into a deficit. When she herself needs someone to support, warm and comfort her. Or at least showed understanding and sympathy.

How much real support do women have in our society? In the best case, a mother who can provide insurance with children and help with household chores. Or girlfriends with whom you can get distracted and chat about something pleasant. But the need to talk about what the soul hurts about is not always possible to realize even with close people.

So a woman gets into first trap … She has to give a lot, be available 24/7, support and comfort, but she has nowhere to fill herself. There is no reliable parent figure to support. A woman is left alone with her feelings and needs, which there is no one to share.

And imagine if you add some difficult event to this. For example, a quarrel with her husband, with whom the relationship has been difficult lately. To the deficiency state is added a wound that sores. The woman feels even more vulnerable, needs more support and support. And her sources, in connection with the quarrel, have become fewer. Of course, in such a state, a mother cannot be a good container for her children. And of course the kids don't know that. And yet they are great potential irritants. And let's be honest, a very safe target. Therefore, most likely, at some point, the mother can not restrain herself and breaks down on the children.

And then she awaits second trap … Mom doesn't take into account all of the previous context. She only sees what she yelled at the child. And she is covered with a feeling of guilt. Mom has read books and articles on parenting and knows that you can't yell at children. She is afraid of hurting those she loves with her intemperance. But she, too, can no longer keep in herself and suppress her accumulated emotions.

To the state of scarcity she already had, she adds self-flagellation.

She is looking for a way to cope with her incontinence. But, as a rule, her focus is on what will help her hold back even more. Not something that would help empty her own container and make her feel safe.

Able: I am ok, others are ok, and the world in general is ok.

Then the second circle of the cycle begins and the tension increases with each circle. Lack of support, support and self-flagellation.

An attempt to try even more, instead of treating yourself with care, giving you the opportunity to be fulfilled, to come into balance.

How long can a woman endure such circles before falling into depression or psychosis?

What if this story is about you?

1. See the whole picture

If you find yourself showing signs of burnout, constant irritation and feelings of guilt, try to restore the entire cycle.

What events preceded the active phase of feelings of dissatisfaction with life? What was especially depressing for you, but you were still afloat? What was the last straw?

What are you afraid of, what do you grieve or yearn for, who hurt you?

2. Find support

Think about who from your environment can support you. Just to be around, without moralizing and advice, without evaluating and infusing your own emotions.

Who can help at the household level and insure you with your children?

What activities can you temporarily postpone or do less frequently so that you have more time for yourself?

3. Get out of the victim

When it's hard for us, there is a desire to feel sorry for ourselves. I feel so bad and there is no one to help! This is a normal desire, but you should not get stuck in a state of helplessness, because it really does not change the situation. Look at your options, remember your strengths that can help you get out. That have helped you before. You definitely have them, Take back your strength, and direct it now not for the benefit of others, but for the benefit of yourself.

Sometimes anger can help, it gives energy for action.

Sometimes you just need to take a break and let others take care of themselves. At the same time, make sure that the world has not collapsed.

Think about what you can do for yourself today?

What's the next step?

The rescue of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves

1. Take your right to take care of yourself
2. Allow yourself to be imperfect.
3. Admit it to yourself honestly that yes, you need help too. And you have the right to ask and take it.

You can do it!