Double Relationship Trap

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

They are active and persistent

looking for each other

unconsciously sending

signals in the field of relations, error-free readable

potential partners.

And no wonder:

they are actors of the same play

entitled

"Dependent relationship"

In the previous article "Between Need and Want" I identified the types "Big Child" and "Small Adult" and described their psychological characteristics. It was also noted that “Big Child” and “Small Adult” have qualities that are missing for each other and, therefore, tend to form alliances - complementary in form and dependent in nature. I will describe the essence and dynamics of such relations in this article. For a better understanding of these dynamics, I recommend starting with the previous article.

EXPECTATION TRAPS

This pair is not formed by chance. Partners here fall into Waiting traps … This trap is different for everyone. It is associated with the frustration of the need that turned out to be unmet in other, earlier relationships - child-parent. For the Little Adult, this is the expectation of unconditional love; for the Big Child, it is the expectation of conditional love.

A frustrated need leads to a deficiency of some important mental function. Each partner has his own deficit in the area of some vital function, which can be satisfied through the excess of this function in his partner. The Big Child has a lack of responsibility and volitional qualities, the Little Adult has a lack of spontaneity and immediacy.

These deficits-excess are complementary to each other. The Big Child lacks what the Small Adult has in abundance - responsibility and will, the Small Adult, in turn, needs the spontaneity and immediacy that the Big Child has in abundance.

For this reason, they are actively and persistently looking for each other, unconsciously sending signals to the field, which are also automatically and accurately read by their potential partners. And no wonder: they are actors in one play called "Dependent Relationships."

DOUBLE RELATIONSHIP DRIP

These people, as I have noted, greedily need each other. And this need is mutual and mutually beneficial. They not only passionately want from their partner what they lack, but they are equally passionate about giving away what they have in abundance. From this and the "double trap of relations." They both need each other. They fit together like a key to a lock. Unsurprisingly, complementary unions end up being the strongest. This is an example of symbiosis in a relationship - a mutually beneficial union.

This kind of relationship is sung in songs and poems, about such couples they say that they are two halves of one whole and cannot live without each other! And indeed it is. Each of the partners lacks the other half for their integrity - their partner. As a result, they compensate for the deficiency of their internal structures through the high development of these structures in their partners. Hence, there is such a great need for each other. However, their attraction to each other is not based on the mutual interest of two autonomous people, but on the need and dependence on each other, without which it is impossible for each of them to survive.

It is not surprising that a high degree of emotional and physical intimacy, so desirable at the first stage of a relationship, eventually becomes a burden for both partners. Try to imagine two people "glued" to each other by their sides - a kind of "monster" with one body, two heads, two arms and two legs! Now imagine how this two-headed Serpent Gorynych will function? How will his heads agree with each other? After all, sooner or later, everyone will have their own interests, their own needs - desires - dreams that will not coincide with those of a partner.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CLINCH

Something similar happens in the pair and for the types described here. Over time, their passionate desire to be together is added to an equally passionate desire to distance themselves from each other. These desires are equal in strength and opposite in direction. As a result, such couples find themselves in a "psychological clinch" - like two boxers with their hands clasped in the ring. The emotional intensity in this kind of couples is conveyed by the following phrases: “I love and“I hate”!,“I want to leave and I’m afraid to be left alone”. Although the second attitude, as a rule, turns out to be deep in the unconscious and is often accessible to consciousness only in the course of therapy.

This is a psychologically immature relationship, since both of its participants are "Children". Due to their psychological immaturity, it is difficult for them to accept the very idea of adult relationships based on the principles of dialogue, agreement and partnership.

The dynamics of such a relationship can be well described by the example of an alcohol addict and his partner - addicted or co-dependent. As an illustration, you can refer to the fairy tale Sister Alyonushka and Brother Ivanushka.

ONE FUNCTION FOR TWO

Sister Alyonushka, within my typology, is a typical Little Adult. She is responsible, caring, controlling. Brother Ivanushka, on the other hand, is irresponsible, impulsive, with unformed self-regulation of desires and behavior. He's a typical Big Kid.

In this pair, we can observe a phenomenon characteristic of this kind of relationship - one function for two (the author's terminology). So, for example, the function of responsibility in such a pair is distributed as follows - hyperresponsibility for sister Alyonushka and irresponsibility for her brother Ivanushka. In general, within the framework of this system, this function is present and works, but it is concentrated in one of the elements of the system. As a result, the elements of such a system turn out to be highly dependent on each other. So, Alyonushka, due to her hyperresponsibility, is forced to answer not only for herself, but also for Ivanushka. And then, paradoxically, although she is "overloaded" with this function and will constantly complain about the stupid and irresponsible Ivanushka, she needs him as an object for the manifestation of her hyperresponsibility and control. Ivanushka also needs Alyonushka, without her control he turns out to be literally unviable. Although at the same time he will in every possible way resist this control on her part.

Here we can observe how the patterns of behavior developed in parent-child relationships will manifest themselves in new relationships. The Little Adult habitually engages in a relationship with a pattern of rescue. This is what he always did in his relationship with his infantile parents. We can say that this has already become his meaning of life. This is why it is so difficult for a Little Adult, despite the enormous burden of responsibility that he carries in his pair, to break this pattern of relationships: “in everyone who wants to save the other, there is an inner part that wants to save himself” (Franz Ruppert). This is the desire of a small child to save his parents in order to receive support and care from them himself. We often direct our desire to be saved to our partners.

In addition, Little Adult has powerful introjects that He must. This creates an exaggerated sense of responsibility and a strong sense of guilt. And his partner - the Big Child - constantly demonstrates to him his strong need for him, which is perceived by the Little Adult as strong love.

Trying to overcome his inner incompleteness due to the unformed structure of the inner child, the Little Adult tries to accomplish this through the relationship with his partner. He does not know and understands his inner child poorly and because of this he is afraid of him. He is afraid of his spontaneity, impulsiveness, emotionality and unbridledness and tries to control him - by controlling his partner from this.

His partner, the Big Child, in turn receives in these relations external orderliness, rules, boundaries, norms, which he lacks so much in his internal mental structure.

So, the Little Adult needs the spontaneity and immediacy of his inner child, and finds it abundantly outside in his partner - the Big Child. The same person, in turn, receives from his partner - the Little Adult - structuredness and control - qualities that were not formed in his personal structure at one time.

STRATEGIES IN THERAPEUTIC WORK

The union described in the article is a consequence of the inconsistency of each of the partners. I see the direction of work with this kind of clients in the "growing" of their unformed structures-functions in each of them and in the subsequent integration of their internal parts.

Growing up is an individual project. It is important to understand this. This is already the first step out of merging and dependency. Do not try to "cure" your partner, do not demand changes from him unilaterally.

It is good when both partners realize the need for their changes, then such a union has a better chance of preserving. In the same case, when such a need arises for one of the partners, a real threat of disintegration hangs over this union. We are dealing here with a fairly well-functioning system, and if one of its elements changes, then the other also needs to change. Otherwise, the system is destroyed.

Author: Maleichuk Gennady Ivanovich