Borders

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Boundaries are anything that helps you set yourself apart from the rest.

To maintain our integrity, we create personal boundaries.

We allow others to approach ourselves physically and psychologically only up to a certain distance, protecting ourselves from harm or undue influence.

Anyone who cannot designate his personal space creates difficulties for himself and those around him.

On the other hand, when we set hard boundaries and make them impenetrable, we become lonely.

When we interact with others, we often violate the other person's personal boundaries.

Having inadvertently stepped over them, we find ourselves tactless in relation to a person, the one who violates our boundaries seems to us unceremonious or burdens us.

A lot of conflicts arise due to the fact that in the course of everyday life we do not clearly delineate the boundaries of our personal territory, and we ourselves turn out to be immune to signs indicating that we are approaching other people's boundaries.

Misconceptions about boundaries

1. If I set boundaries, then I am selfish.

2. Boundaries are a sign of defiance.

3. Establishing boundaries necessarily evokes negative reactions from others.

4. If I begin to build boundaries, I will hurt others.

5. If I build boundaries, then I am angry.

6. When others set boundaries, it hurts me.

7. When setting boundaries, I must feel guilty.

8. Borders are permanent, forever.

False motives preventing the establishment of boundaries

1. Fear of losing love or being rejected.

2. Fear of anger from others.

3. Fear of loneliness.

4. Fear of violating the established ideas of love.

5. Wine.

6. The desire to repay debt.

7. Seek approval.

8. The assumption that in the event of my refusal, the other person may experience a sense of loss.

Fuzzy boundaries are screams

To be honest: almost all of us yell at our children, despite the fact that many of us then feel guilty about our intemperance. But even if sometimes this "educational measure" gives the expected result, in fact it will teach the child only one thing - that when a person is angry, it is perfectly acceptable and normal to raise his voice.

And this lesson has far-reaching and very unpleasant consequences. What to do when the child does something outrageous or behaves like a deranged child?

It is imperative to reprimand and scold him - but without raising your voice.

The child must definitely understand that he did something bad and unacceptable.

Swearing correctly is a special science.

First, it is necessary to directly name what was violated (for example: "you can not splash in the bathroom").

Second, it is necessary to briefly and clearly explain the reason for this "no" (for example: "water on the floor is dirt, disorder and danger of slipping").

Thirdly, it is necessary to emphasize the consequences of the violation: "If you do not stop splashing, I will have to get you out of the bath."

Fourth, an acceptable alternative must be offered: "You can pour water from a bucket into a bath."

Fuzzy boundaries are fruitless appeals

"Wash your hands!"

"Take your things away!" Or even a whole speech:

“How many times do I have to tell you that you have to clean up after yourself from the table!” …

Despite the tediousness and low efficiency of these calls, we repeat them again and again….

As a result, the child either gets used to lying to us: "I have already washed, s-s-word!..", or stops hearing us at all.

What to do instead of these non-working spells?

As they say, stop, look back …

Make direct contact, make eye contact, and say directly what you want in the most calm tone you can.

The fewer words the better.

Instead of “How long can I tell you that you can't turn on the TV until you finish your homework ?!”, just say “The TV will be after school”.

Most importantly, do not forget to turn the switch knob or press the corresponding button on the remote control.

Try to express your demand in a short phrase or even just one word, for example: "Time to sleep" or "Lunch" or "Lessons" …

Do not overload your child with commands, especially when it comes to a toddler. It is much easier for him to do one thing at a time (for example, put on shoes) than to complete a whole sequence of tasks (“Get dressed!”).

And if possible, link your requirement to something he likes. For example: "After you help me collect toys, we will go for a walk."

How to make fuzzy boundaries clear

There is such a universal rule that works regardless of a person's age: soft, fuzzy boundaries that outline the framework of acceptable behavior provoke a desire to test them for strength, or even ignore them altogether.

Parents set clear boundaries using their own example, words and reactions.

Call them clearly and directly, speaking to the child in a normal tone, save the heavy artillery of punishment in case these boundaries are violated.

In order to establish clear boundaries of behavior with a baby, parents must first of all define them mentally, and having determined, show their consistency and perseverance.

This is necessary so as not to confuse the child.

And if you allowed your child to do something yesterday, then it is obviously unfair to punish the same thing today.

Well, there is no point in punishing a crumb when he does something wrong for the first time.

In both cases, the child must first learn the rules.

Often, the only thing that is needed is to redirect the activities of the young intruder back to normal.

For example, is your child drawing on the table? Give him the paper!

And, of course, it is extremely unreasonable to "bribe" children. State your requirement and, if necessary, describe the consequences of disobedience. Concentrate on the child's behavior, not his personality.

The laws of boundaries

1. Law of Consequences: what you sow, you reap.

Only the consequences can make it change.

2. Law of liability: everyone is responsible for his own life.

We can love each other and not be each other.

3. Law of power: we cannot change other people.

We can work on changing ourselves, but we cannot change the weather, the past, the economic conditions, or other people, we can only try to influence.

4. The law of respect: we must respect other people's boundaries.

As we want people to do to us, so we do it ourselves.

5. Law of discretion: we should evaluate the results of our actions in advance.

6 reaction law: every action causes a reaction.

We can hurt other people by making choices that they don’t like. We experience pain when we make choices that we don’t like.

7 the law of openness: don't hide your boundaries.

We need to show people that there is a line that cannot be crossed.