Bew Means I Love?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Sometimes it seems to us that our partner pays too little attention to us, but to others much more. You can be jealous not only of other people, but also of work, car, hobby, in general, the list is endless. Any person experiences jealousy at least once in their life. Even the most confident and psychologically healthy people are jealous.

Jealousy arises when there is a fear of losing contact with a person who is significant to us. Children very clearly demonstrate jealousy. If another child appears in the family, the older child is jealous of the mother (and parents in general) for the younger child. And this cannot be avoided in any way.

It can be difficult for us to deal with this feeling. It seems to paralyze everything in us, and we cannot think of anything else as an object of our desires. It can be assumed that this is a desire to possess a person (object, status, position, etc.), fear of losing control and connection with a person, resentment that we may be rejected and put in second place. We will also feel angry about someone who might be a competitor. In pathological cases, aggression will be directed towards everyone in general. And it doesn't matter whether these people are part of our partner's social circle or not.

It is also necessary to clarify that the feeling of jealousy includes many thoughts and emotions. The following thoughts may arise: "I am not worthy of him / her", "She / he is interested in others", "She / he will find herself better, I am a temporary option", "She / he cannot compress with anyone, only with me", “If I don’t control her / him, then he will definitely change”, “She / he is definitely hiding something,” and so on. And based on such thoughts and feelings, we commit completely rash actions. We can put such pressure on a person, demanding confirmation of our importance and the absence of betrayal that we simply harass our partner. And by creating strong tension (screams; scandals; violation of personal boundaries: checking the phone, messages, mail, constant surveillance; endless checks) in the relationship, we push them to completion. And after the breakup, you can say with imaginary confidence: “I was / was right / right. He / she is cheating on me. " Although this is in most cases our self-deception.

Most likely, the reason for jealousy lies in your own insecurity. After all, how can you trust someone if you are not sure of yourself? Feelings of worthlessness and inferiority also do not add confidence in yourself. General anxiety can also lead to jealousy. Although the very cause of the anxiety may not be related to the partner.

Also, our childhood strongly influences the way we interact with a partner. Those people who, in childhood, did not tolerate parting with their parents, constantly worried that something might happen, demanded approval, were deprived of protection and support, tried to control absolutely everything, possibly also inclined to be jealous and distrustful of their partner.

Mikhail Ozhirinsky - psychoanalyst, group analyst.