2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
We are taught to love from childhood. Our parents teach us to love. It is impossible not to learn to love at all.
Another thing is that we are taught very different love. And most importantly, we are taught to recognize completely different things as love.
Sometimes the main thing is not what we think is called love or what we used to call it. The main thing is the level of mutual exchange that we are capable of. And we play this very scenario over and over again.
It is likely that ALL things that arise between people are a manifestation of love. Everything that is in a relationship, everything that is BETWEEN two.
How we learn to love
In the process of development, a person learns to love. And he always learns this gradually. Indeed, in order to learn the love of "adult", mature love-attachment, as I will call it in this article, you must first learn to love "childish", and then learn to love "teenage". It's like writing. To learn how to write words, we are first taught to write dots, then draw straight sticks, then some squiggles, and only then - we learn to write letters and combine them into words.
And therefore, writing dots or sticks is also a letter, only more simple. And therefore love for children and adolescents is also love, but also more simple.
Or, there is an operating system Windows 10. And there is an old system - DOS. And now the old one is much more limited and simple. But she is also an operating system!
Well, let's take a closer look at human love.
Not all physically adults are psychologically adults. And although it seems to us that a person, during his first 18-20 years of life, seems to have to go through all the phases of development and successfully reach the adult level of self-awareness, this is far from happening. And I am inclined to believe that it does not happen 100% for anyone and never.
After all, all the same, some processes will remain in our psyche - which are underdeveloped, "incomplete", some development tasks will be suspended. Because it just didn't work out. There was not enough resource - internal organismic, or - resource of the environment.
Therefore, without exception, all physically adults in the process of their lives solve their unfinished developmental tasks. And they solve them, of course, by recreating them. By recreating them in relationships with partners - husbands, wives, lovers and mistresses, friends, comrades and other people with whom they get closer.
If a person is "stuck" or, say, stopped at some stage of development, he will reproduce this stage in a relationship and play his unfinished role in his scenario.
Different types of love
I have described such a simplified gradation of different "loves" so that it would be clear from them about each of the main tasks of human development at a certain stage. For children, adolescents and adults.
I named these types according to the stages that a person goes through in life.
"Child love. Love-possession
This is a very simple kind of love. This is just from the category of "dots and sticks". Because the love of the child for the mother is object love. What it is? The child is still too simply arranged, he cannot see the fullness of his personality in another person. Because the child does not have the fullness of his personality for this, he is still very primitive himself. And then the child loves the mother as an object - the "breastfeeding breast." And the essence of his love is to POSSESS this breast.
Think of such stories from the lives of married couples or lovers. She - checks his phone, mail, calls, arranges "confrontations". He is jealous of her every pillar, trying to control her actions, thoughts and even feelings. This is the simplest love. After all, people who do this want to possess their partner, to assert their power over him, and most importantly - ideally, they want absolute power over their partner. Thousands of books have been written about this and thousands of films have been filmed. Thousands or even millions of couples live about it. With this, millions of couples die, I think …
After all, not all people choose to develop further.
The task of the development of this stage: to accept the powerlessness in the possibility of absolute power over the mother's object - "breastfeeding".
"Teenage" love. Self-affirmation love
Teenage love is filled with a greater meaning than child love, in that it is already some semblance of contact not with the object, but with the subject. If in child love it is important for me to simply save resources and use, then in the case of teenage love, I am already involved in a relationship and it is important for me how I am reflected in the eyes of another person. That is, the personality of another acquires importance for me - his feelings, his attitude, his reactions. This is not a simple functionality, I notice that this is a person with his own inner world. And in this place I am more complex than I was when I reproduced the love of a child.
It's like writing squiggles and parts of letters.
How does it manifest in pairs? You have seen scenarios like this many times. Often it is here that the sado-masochistic pattern is actively manifested - that is, the opportunity will be elevated due to the humiliation of another person. The scenario of such a relationship is "I am better than you." And if you decipher this phrase - "I want to be better than you, then I will know that in principle I am capable of something and have value as a person in this world." These are couples in which partners constantly compare each other. I can do it, but you cannot. I'm a tough guy, and you are a foolish woman. I am a weak woman, and you are an insensitive blockhead. And in all this there should be a theme that someone is better than another.
Variations on the theme: at first I am so good, I will "feed" you, put you on a pedestal, but then I will overthrow you from there, because you will become better than me, and I will feel my insignificance next to you!
Teenage love is also associated with asserting identity. Am I a woman? Am I a man? What kind of woman am I? What kind of man am I? Whether I am in demand among members of the opposite sex, what are my competitive advantages compared to other men (women). Often all the "love triangles" fall into this topic, where the main task of development becomes precisely the assertion of one's own gender identity and competitiveness.
Let's summarize. The development tasks of this stage: to assert that I am good enough (a) and valuable enough (for) - and in order to be convinced of this, I do not need to belittle the other person. I can be “cool” next to another “cool”, while not destroying either myself or him. I am a full-fledged woman. I am a full-fledged man. I am in demand as a man (woman).
Mature love. Love-fellowship
Mature love is the love of two whole individuals with an approved and completed gender identity. We become capable of loving in an adult way when we have lived through all the previous scenarios, and we have lived them in such a way as to solve the problem of development and reach a new stage of our own capabilities.
In mature love, in my opinion, the task is to realize one's own potential in collaboration with a partner. We are walking together, we have similar tasks, our interests are in contact. But we do not need each other so that we can solve basic developmental problems for each other. Our relationship is built on agreements. I am independent and whole enough to keep up with my partner's differences, keep my distance from my partner, and withstand my disappointment with my partner. If my partner rejects me, I do not collapse from the inside.
Of course, you will not find such a “purified” version of mature love - we all tend to reproduce different scenarios at different stages of relationships, and at different times. The difference between my adult position lies in the fact that I am aware of where I have ended up or have ended up, what scenario I have not yet played out, who is my partner for me now, who I really see in him.
We are hostages of unconscious scenarios
Sometimes people reproduce the same scenario all their lives. Or several different but repetitive ones. Maybe with one partner, maybe with several. They are desperately and completely unconsciously trying to do something in a new way, to change. And it turns out all the same, in the old way. They often say: "Why is it so, I feel like a victim of circumstances!" And indeed they are - victims of their unconscious. And it seems that now, I will check his phone again, here, I will once again prove to him that I am prettier or smarter, that now, once again I will show how he is not worthy of me, or something else from child and teenage scenarios … and that's it. Everything will change! Finally, he will understand something, or she will pay attention. And everything will be different …
But, it does not. Indeed, in order to move from one level to another, you need a deeper awareness and, accordingly, the ability to change behavior. And awareness cannot appear in a closed system.
And the psychotherapist in this case is the vehicle who can introduce something new into this closed system so that it begins to change. It can support the expansion of awareness, changes in experience and behavior, it can support development and the transition to more complex stages of love. If, of course, there is a need for this and there is a desire to advance there.
After all, you can make a choice in the other direction: to stay where I am now. And also to take back responsibility for it.
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