HOW TO LEARN TO LOVE?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In this article I want to answer the question of one of my readers about how, after all, to learn to love?

In order to learn to love another healthy, maturely, you first need to learn to love yourself. And independently fill those internal deficits that were formed in childhood from a lack of love, acceptance, support, approval and protection.

First, there are two simple exercises that you can use to track the dynamics of your changes.

First. Write on a piece of paper all your "wishes" from your partner: how would you like to be loved, what expectations are there from your partner, what would you like to receive? What actions, actions, words, attitude will you understand that you are loved?

Second. Introduce yourself with your partner (if you are already in a relationship). Or create an inner image of what it would be like to be in a relationship with a partner who does all of the above from the first exercise. Imagine walking or watching a movie, cooking dinner together, or having breakfast before work. Track your feelings, what emotions are rising? How does the body react? Are you relaxed? Is there a feeling of comfort and tranquility? Is there a feeling of anxiety or thirst, hunger, longing? Is there tension?

As you re-read your partner's list of qualities and behaviors, analyze if this sounds like something you missed as a child. Does what you want from your partner sound like what you lacked from your parents as a child?

The first exercise will help you identify the deficiencies discussed above. The second exercise will help to detect these very deficiencies at the level of the body, through bodily sensations.

And then work on learning to love yourself follows. I'll make a reservation right away that this can take years, depending on the degree of trauma, on how long and total emotional deprivation was in childhood. A psychologist will help you to make this process more gentle for you.

Stage 1. This is working with the inner child. Actually, I don't want to call the process of communicating with my inner child - "work". One gets the impression that this is difficult, you have to step on your throat.

So, here you need to imagine yourself at that age when you did not receive love (and it was badly needed), safety (they did not intercede for you or even, on the contrary, used physical / emotional / sexual violence), approval (little or no praise), acceptance (made it clear that something is wrong with you), support.

The safety precaution at this stage is that if during the recollection there are strong affects, up to hysteria, then it is best to contact a specialist who will create a safe environment for unloading your experiences. For a sparing, careful living of your ailments, grievances, feelings of guilt, etc.

And let this little, disliked, under-praised, disapproved, defenseless and powerless child of yours react. Let him talk, cry, get angry. Let him scream, swear, cry.

Then, comfort him, hug him, give him a promise to take care of him, to protect him, to protect him. Praise him (for sure there is something - remember!), Support. In short, do what your parents overlooked on your own.

When you see and feel that the child has calmed down, he feels good, take him back to your heart.

You cannot describe all the subtleties and nuances of this important stage, but this is the basis. Working with the inner child will also take time; the process of accepting it will not happen in one evening, in one sitting.

Stage 2. Formation of a stable image of "I". That is, there will already be work on the study of who I am? What am I? It's like putting together a puzzle. You have the pieces of the puzzle, but there is no general picture on which to navigate yet. Just the general picture you have to collect. The task is complicated by the fact that some of the pieces are "not native", tossed.

The pieces thrown over are those beliefs about yourself that other people have instilled in you, for example, "you are a stupid", "you are a slob", "you do not know how to do this", "you will not succeed", "you are not given it" and much, much more. By the way, tossed pieces can be with a seemingly positive connotation. For example, "You were born to be a ballerina!" (Mom quit her ballerina career when she got pregnant). Or "You have all the data to become an excellent soldier!" (dad from a military family).

You need to collect all the pieces and take a critical look at them. Is it really me? Is this exactly about me? Or maybe this belief is someone else's mistake? Or a personal interpretation that has nothing to do with me.

At this stage, it is important to reconsider more than just beliefs about yourself. But also re-learn what I love. And how do I love what I love? For example, do I really like listening to rock music and watching films of this genre? Do I really like chocolate ice cream and nothing else? Do I really like to spend my leisure time this way? With these people?

Ok, I definitely love chocolate ice cream. How do I love him? I like to put it on a plate and eat it with a teaspoon? Or do I prefer nibbling the waffle cup first, and then nibbling the ice cream itself?

How do I like listening to music? Lying or sitting? Do I like to dance at the same time? Or stamp your foot in time?

What interests me? What am I curious about? What makes me go into a reverent trance? What enthralls me?

This is the stage of self-exploration. Study, analysis. And the integration of "their" parts.

Stage 3. I would call it "Nurturing, celebrating yourself." This is the acquisition of the skills of taking care of yourself, what you managed to collect at the previous stage. It is self-support, self-respect, self-defense.

This is also about learning to build, to feel personal boundaries. When the image of "I" is assembled, that is, already the idea of where I am, and where I already end? Where not me. What kind of space (physical and psychological) do I need to feel comfortable? How can I protect this space environmentally and safely for myself and others from possible accidental (or non-accidental) encroachments?

Next is the celebration of yourself. This is also about self-expression, self-realization. This is an understanding of where I want to go, where I will be fine. Understanding what I want to give from myself to this world and what I would like to receive? What do I want to take in this diverse world? Celebrating your presence in this world. The search for personal happiness.

Once again, this is a long process. A good psychologist will help you go this way. The path from the inner emptiness that we all try to fill with other people (things, impressions) to self-love and self-sufficiency.

Along the way, can you double-check what changes with the first two exercises (described at the beginning of the article)? Sometimes it becomes funny what thoughts were at the beginning about love and about a loved one. This is fine!

The ability to love another, to accept him as he is, to allow him to remain as he is, comes only after I have all this. When I love myself, when I respect my personal space, my thoughts, ideas, initiatives, when I approve of myself, I live my happiness. Then my love is mature too. This is love-freedom. This is love-acceptance.