2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A person can say that he wants a relationship, but nothing happens in his life and relationships do not appear. When you propose to go to meet someone, the person seems to be ready, but everyone around is not the same, everyone is not right, or generally busy. And if he does, then everyone quickly falls off somehow. And then begins "I have a crown of celibacy, I'm damned, it's a conspiracy, what's wrong with me?"
But things can be much easier.
If a person declares a desire for a relationship, but he does not have one, then often this is a sign that the person has a fear of relationships. But only this fear is latent and subconscious. Therefore, it cannot be seen or heard on the surface. With the mind, a person strives for a relationship, but the subconscious is always much stronger. And therefore, resistance to relationships is much more than striving for them.
Where does relationship fear come from?
There are three options.
1. The person is afraid that the partner will hurt him: he will give up, change, disappoint, etc. And therefore, he tries in every possible way not to enter into a relationship at all, so long as he never experiences this pain.
Everything seems to be very clear and logical. But you just need to remember this.
Very often it is not the partner who hurts, but the person hurting himself
All relationships begin from the mother-child relationship. The first experience of interacting with another person is the experience of interacting with the mother. From how close and close emotional contact with the mother was, it will depend on what kind of relationship the person will continue to invite.
If the mother was often not around, or there were cases when she left and left the child alone, then he has a fear that he will be abandoned, left alone and he will not survive. Because for a child, the mother's care is a matter of survival. And if mom is not around, then he worries about his death. Since these feelings cannot be fully experienced at such an age, they go into our unconscious. They are encapsulated in a pouch and lie down as a dead weight on the outskirts of consciousness. Meanwhile, the child chooses for himself a strategy for further behavior.
There are two options for the strategy (simplified diagram):
1. Tie another tightly to yourself. This creates a dependent relationship model. When a person holds on to another in every possible way, clings, tries to become useful, important, tries to please, to be the best for another, etc. That is, normal attachment becomes neurotic addiction. The other, in this case, is simply an object that ensures safety and the absence of the fear of abandonment.
2. The second strategy, on the contrary, is not to get attached. That is, the child decides that the other person is not needed at all. And so he can start avoiding his mother upon her return, moving away from her, running away from intimacy, because in this way he saves himself from the next attack of terror if the mother suddenly leaves somewhere again.
This is how counterdependent people are formed. These are people who are so afraid of dependence on another (out of thoughts that addiction is fraught with loss) that they prefer not to let anyone near them at all.
These people most often do not enter into a relationship for a long time and cannot find partners for themselves. Not because there are no partners, but because it is scary that he will leave. And this will trigger all those painful feelings that were impossible to live in childhood.
It is important to understand here that pain cannot be avoided. The “don't get close to” strategy is not about the fact that no one will hurt you. You will just be left alone. Loneliness is no less painful. It's just that when you live with him for a long time in adulthood, you learn to live with him. And that means you have the experience of survival. And the experience of abandonment remains unlived. It remains a secret with seven seals. Just as in childhood everything seems bigger and scarier, so now you cannot even allow yourself to see this pain in its real size.
If you break up with a person in adulthood, you do not die, you can find another, it is not as fatal as in childhood. But the fear of not coping prevents you from seeing it. And therefore, the departure of another continues to be associated precisely with wild pain. Although it is really liveable and bearable.
As crazy as it sounds, the more often you are thrown, the easier it is to worry about it in the future. It's like being rejected by salespeople. At first it hurts, then it doesn't matter. But if you are so afraid of this pain, then any relationship will seem extremely dangerous.
It is important to understand that relationships are useful for that, so that next to a loved one you can see what is happening to you, what kind of baggage from the past you carry and what you project onto your partner
For example, you require your partner to always answer your messages and preferably just instantly. It seems that this is just a desire, but not really. Behind this desire is often the fear that by not responding, he is demonstrating that he can quit. You don't know if he is busy, if the phone is off, if there is a network and all that, but it does not matter. Because if he does not answer, an internal panic, anxiety, hysteria begins. The one about past losses, childish. Then these internal hysterics become external. The partner gets claims about what he doesn't like, etc. A partner may not love, that's not the question. And the fact that such a sharp reaction to a simple "no answer" is always about the wild pain of his childish uselessness and rejection. And it does not exactly match the level of horror that this "no response" creates.
Sometimes this is a slightly longer chain of feelings. "How can he not answer? This is what, he does not consider me as a person at all. What am I in general such an empty place? How dare he, what he thinks of himself?" And off we go. Here, instead of pain and horror, anger comes first. But only anger is still not real. This is anesthesia. Very often, anger in a relationship is a defense against painful feelings. That is, instead of living this pain of his childhood trauma of abandonment and rejection, that very eternal inner hole, a person begins to get wildly angry and attack his partner. Because anger is easier to feel. And most importantly, there is a culprit for your pain.
But the only culprit behind the pain is yourself and your past experience. And it's not about a partner at all. And in order to reduce the number of difficulties in relationships, you need to go to a psychotherapist and deal with your inner hole and a sense of uselessness. Because any person who will be there will always activate something in you. And you will get hurt.
You cannot require your partner to be gentle with your injuries. He doesn't have to help you. If you know that you are in pain, then your task is to go to the doctor and receive medical treatment, and not require first aid from your partner. He has wounds of his own. The same
Another thing is that the partner can hear you and try to cause a little less pain (provided that you are trying to heal yourself at this time). That is, if he knows that it is unbearable for you not to receive answers to messages, he can try a little and respect your request and start responding immediately. But here still a lot depends on you and your condition. And the partner, in fact, may not love you too much to change their habits. And this is the question of whether you are ready to be with such a person. Or is it easier to heal your injuries and go look for another?
No one should be running around with your injury instead of you. Therefore, to manipulate others, that it hurts you when he does this or that, is blackmail and non-adulthood. You need to heal your pain. Because the other does not always understand what to do with your pain, and as a result, they may begin to simply avoid any contact. If only not to harm
2. People are afraid of being close to others because closeness makes them vulnerable
Often, running away from relationships, people can choose busy partners or partners at a distance.
On the one hand, they suffer from this, because they seem to want to connect with someone. On the other hand, the subconscious is still much stronger than the mind. And he chooses the safe option. Safe, because if a person is free, then responsibility, closeness immediately arises, and this already becomes much more dangerous. In the meantime, there are meetings every few weeks, while you can limit yourself to correspondence and dates, you do not have to worry about the fact that the other will come to a critically dangerous distance.
A person may be afraid of intimacy, because there is a wild fear that they will see you for who you are. And in your imagination (because of this unlived shadow bag of pain) it seems that you are some kind of global freak. After all, if it were not for a freak, then you would not be abandoned, and you would always be happy. And since there was pain, betrayal, leaving, then you are a freak
And this wild fear that the other will see you in all your ugliness (imaginary, but seemingly real), makes the person run away from the relationship. Distance inside. Always keep yourself shut. Keep away. This is a relationship in a spacesuit. I want proximity, but very scary.
And therefore, no one lets anyone near him.
This belief, combined with the first fear, can reinforce itself.
For example, a woman is not allowed to approach anyone for a long, long time because of fear of being abandoned, but the man still achieves her. She sees that he is persistent and stubborn, decides that he will surely be faithful to her (it’s not in vain that he achieves feelings, apparently). Then she opens up to him. But since the fear of abandonment sits deeply, she begins to cling to him, panic from the slightest lack of attention, terrorizes with her demands to confirm his love. It can strain a man at some point, and he still leaves. And then the woman for herself concludes that intimacy is dangerous. As soon as it opened, it was abandoned. Although, in fact, she was abandoned not because of discovery and intimacy, but because she cannot experience her anxiety and uncertainty, and therefore requires excessive confirmation of her importance. And if she were relaxed, everything could be generally good. But it turned out badly, and the woman became even more convinced that "as soon as she opens up to a man, she is abandoned."
It can also be a problem that if suddenly one partner relaxes and opens up a little, and the second does not understand that this is a very vulnerable moment for him and begins to attack him with his problems. And then the first one quickly realizes that his self-disclosure is just an excuse to pile on and closes even more. Which aggravates the relationship in the future
For example, a man and a woman are quarreling. A woman, out of fear of losing a man (the one that comes from this childhood trauma), crawls in front of him on her knees and accepts any of his conditions. She is so scared that she is ready to put up with anything. The quarrel ends. But the woman is evil. She's not happy that she was bent over, forced to yield. She is left with discontent, which she could not express, because she thought that if she did, the man would definitely leave. And now time passes, the man is already in a different state, calm or a little guilty (if he realizes that he has gone too far), approaches the woman with good intentions or apologies. And then she, with all her foolishness, begins to express all her anger to him. Because he sees that the situation is not critical, and you can pile on. The man understands that no one needs his good mood, he closes up and leaves. As a result, everyone is unhappy. The woman is in pain because they have closed (or left) from her, the man is sad that he once again received reinforcement, that they listen to him only when he threatens to leave, and when he is kind, he is sent to fuck. Relationships are deteriorating.
3. The third reason for fear of relationships is bad past experiences
That is, this is not something from childhood, but a real adult experience that leaves an imprint on the choice in the present.
If a person remembers that relationships are a mess, problems, difficulties, scandals and conflicts, then naturally he will avoid them in every possible way.
But there is an important point to be aware of.
That all these problems in past relationships were also for some kind of internal unconscious reasons
There are all the same fears of loss that led to hysterics, panic and horror, brain loss, nerves, claims, collisions, etc.
This is the same fear of saying No or defending your boundaries.
These are all options for dependencies and counterdependencies.
You have to understand that any past relationship has some background. They have reasons that were not allowed to break them at that moment, until it was scary and painful. At the stage of looking after, at the stage of recognizing each other, when the first inconsistencies began
A person can endure something for a long, long time, and then Bam and burst through. Everything. The love is over. Only hatred remained.
- What did you endure? I was afraid to lose. I thought that the other would change his mind himself.
- Why didn’t you talk about what doesn’t suit you? Because it was scary that he would leave.
- Why is it scary that it will go away? It will hurt.
- Can you live with pain? No.
- OK. Go, get well, live.
Any past relationship, no matter how terrible it may be, is a litmus test. They shine through all your blind spots and show your unresolved questions. This is a blessed mirror that speaks of what you need to heal in yourself and what to learn
You cannot discount them. This will help you.
I used to think that if a person comes with the question “to get divorced or not,” then there is only one option for work - to leave immediately.
Now I understand that unsatisfying relationships need to be explored. Investigate exactly how a person creates those relationships that are not satisfying. And this is very valuable and very important.
It is clear that you need to do this together with a psychologist, this is faster, but it is also possible on your own. You need to deal with your limitations. Then, instead of hating the other for a terrible experience, you take the best of it and go ahead.
There is no experience that cannot be translated into favor. This is important to understand
But it is even more important to understand that all relationships always start with yourself. And you need to build relationships with others in order to understand who I am at all. What I can and what I cannot. What is scary to do and what is not.
But while you are sitting at home, all so self-sufficient, in the illusion of elaboration, then it is very difficult to meet your blind spots. And that is why it often seems that you know everything about relationships and about yourself, they just are not really needed.
We need them. At least in order to see what is hidden in yourself and get the opportunity to heal yourself.
My conclusion is this - happily go into a relationship. Any relationship, not even good or ideal, will teach you a lot. Just analyze them, yourself and study what and how.
Love to all.
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