2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The whole life of people is based on projections. Projection is the process of assigning personal properties to an environment. That is, in the world we actually see parts of ourselves. All the time. If something is not in us, then we will not see it in the world either. The world is everything around, all people.
We also build relationships from projections. There is such a concept in psychoanalysis - transference. In Gestalt therapy, another name for this phenomenon is transfer or transference. But here I am using such a psychoanalytic term, it is more popular.
Transference is not a projection, but very close. For example, if we take one person who somehow reminds us of someone else (naturally, reminds us projectively, through the prism of ourselves), then we can subsequently transfer fantasies from one to this other. And expect, for example, such behavior - like that of the other.
So, in this article I want to describe in detail the mechanism for choosing, for example, a life partner, partner, friends, etc. in adulthood. Where do we "get" these people from, and why, and if we suffer in a relationship - what all this is connected with. And, of course, I will write a few words about what you can do with all this.
How life scenarios are repeated
Clients sometimes tell me, they say, I choose such difficult people. I suffer with them, but I still can't do anything about it. And it is true.
The fact is that our unconscious is much stronger and more powerful than consciousness. And even if we understand well with our heads that these are such good and glorious people, they treat me so respectfully and tenderly, we somehow need to reach out to them … then there may be a completely different feeling inside … We, for example, can rationally suggest that "I will not suit them" or "I will be rejected." Find some other reason not to come close. These are all projections, of course. They don't suit me. I reject them.
They don't suit me because I'm not used to it. I have no such experience. I have something else. And I will only look for the familiar.
This is how the psyche works. In what environment I used to live from the very beginning - this is what I will look for further. Because in this environment (even in the most terrible one) I have the experience of survival, thanks to which I have survived to this day, but in the new (even if very good) one - no. And it is unknown to my body, which means it is potentially dangerous.
That is why women complain that they cannot build relationships and all the time choose some difficult men. And men also worry that it is difficult to build a strong relationship with a woman.
How the past affects us
I also sometimes hear from clients the phrase - I don't want to deal with the past, it is already the past, I want everything to be better in the future. How can you not understand? If a woman is used to domestic violence, let's say. I got used to the fact that dad is drunk and rowdy. Who will she choose as her husband, guess? The psyche will find a "similar" type of man. Or - a counter-dependent option - she will not drink at all and not touch her with his hands, but “rape” her in a more sophisticated form …
Or if a woman is used to a domineering and strict mother. What kind of people will she be looking for? That's right, the same. Although, at first, they may seem different to her, but in their very essence they will turn out to be similar.
This is how transfer works.
If the relationship with the parents is not conscious, not built, there is a lot of tension and anxiety left in them, then any relationship in adulthood will necessarily be burdened with a transference, and such a complex one. And "suitable" candidates for this transfer will be selected.
By the way, a person will unconsciously provoke situations so that this image, the transfer “works” according to the program. How? Well, behold, refract your perception of reality. It seems that the husband did not want to do anything to her, but she already thought that he humiliated her. She got used to humiliation, she sees them everywhere … And the partner, as a rule, begins to play this game himself, integrates into the proposed scenario. Oh, you see humiliation - so on you, humiliation. That's all. Otherwise, there is nothing to do, nothing to build relationships on … It will be boring …
How to change a life scenario
Why do we often talk about curiosity and interest in another person in Gestalt therapy? Because these are experiences that give us the opportunity to look a little out of our own projections and transference processes. If there is no interest in the other, every second of time, but there is some a priori "knowledge" about the other, then this is not a relationship, but a meeting with "transfers". That is, all the versatility of a real person, a real one, is reduced to one simple image with which she endlessly plays out and so does the game. And usually, the games are very simple, one-two-three actions.
To look out "from under the transfer", to doubt your guesses about the other, helps the manifestation of your own curiosity and interest.
That is, when I realize that I can assume about the other, but I push aside my assumptions a little and begin to really be interested in this man or this woman. That is, I ask again. I ask. I will clarify. I am asking if I understood correctly. And only then is it possible to see the real other.
And this is a work in relationships - to see not only your projections and transfers.
If the transfer is "charged" - that is, there are many unsolved problems with it - with mom, for example, or dad, brother, there, grandmother - that is, with loved ones, then the psyche will strive to complete these tasks. Scenarios are shaped like that. We strive to complete our tasks. And for this, you need to sort of return the old relationship, dysfunctional, creepy, nasty, but return. So that something new can be done in them.
And in order to return, we are looking for similar people … And we play similar scenarios …
But, you can endlessly play them one after another and suffer from this vicious circle. Or you can sign up for a consultation with a psychologist in Kiev (or via Skype), conclude a contract for psychotherapy and begin to realize what and how is going on with me, what and how I choose. And then there is a chance to change your life scenario, change people's choices in life. Change karma if you like.
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