How To Prevent People From Humiliating And Insulting Themselves? How To Raise Your Self-esteem Without Letting Yourself Be Humiliated?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

The answer to this question is pretty simple and short - just don't let it be! React at least somehow to the attacks of others - a word or half a word, but a response phrase must be mandatory!

What is the danger of the absence of any reaction to attempts to humiliate you, as a person, to offend you? First of all, it is a drop in the level of self-esteem. Our self-esteem is "charged", we begin to doubt ourselves, and as a result, we turn aside from our true path, stop doing what we really like and bring pleasure in life. Secondly, the insult inflicted on us and the resulting humiliation are deposited in the subconscious, and then the body begins to act out auto-aggression or even psychosomatics. Why is this happening? Inside of us remained unspoken, directed directly at us. As a rule, all household trifles (for example, you often hit your foot on the corner of the sofa, the arm of the chair, and in general all movements have become awkward, constrained and angular) - this is evidence that you are punishing yourself for something. Relatively speaking, they wanted to punish another person, but could not express the accumulated grievances to him, so you direct all this at yourself. Psychosomatics can be different - from mild flu to serious illnesses that are often fatal (for example, cancer). In general, there are only three psychosomatic diseases - cancer, ulcer and diabetes. So, if you have been diagnosed with such diagnoses, you should carefully think about how and for what you eat yourself. The best option is to get an individual consultation with a psychologist, because in such cases you definitely didn't say much somewhere, and your psyche suffered noticeably, having received a huge charge of negativity.

The last important point is that a person, relatively speaking, re-eats all received humiliations and insults, and they settle to a level deeper than the subconscious itself. In other words, it is unconscious and sooner or later trauma occurs. For the development of psychological trauma in an adult, it will take some time (you need to constantly (every day!), Purposefully, for a long time and very tediously "drip" into one point, or it can be a terrible catastrophe, war, a strong shock, etc.) … So, if a person repeats for a long time and tediously that he is ugly, stupid, uninteresting, and so on, sooner or later he himself will believe in it and, as a result, will not express himself more clearly. Accordingly, all of this will affect self-esteem in the first place. In addition, you can go astray. For example, you dance, and every time you hear negative reviews for new elements in your dance - “No, this is bad, unpleasant …”, “Why do you dance at all if you don’t know how? Anyway, do you need these dances? Get it out of your head! You can't earn it! " Over time, trauma will arise in this place, and the person will be completely afraid to dance anywhere. Trauma always "stimulates" to do everything possible in order not to get into a similar situation before.

What are the difficulties in all these cases?

1. Nobody taught us to "catch" humiliation and insult. You need to understand that there is a double message in the context. For example, you were told something unpleasant, but with a smile on your face, "they threw a pebble into the garden" and added: "Joke!" This is a kind of attempt to remain unpunished for showing aggression towards another person. Another situation is correspondence on the Internet (a disgusting message, but at the same time with a positive smile; it can even be a compliment, said in such a tone that a person feels it quite the opposite - painful and unpleasant). The ability to identify these double messages is a very important tool for working with your self-esteem.

2. You don't trust yourself and your feelings. You think that the person really was joking, you felt a mockery, etc. Accordingly, you believe this "well, it seemed …" more than your feeling of pain, which somehow arose inside. It is important to know yourself well here, whether you have any trauma of rejection, some painful and unpleasant feeling that everyone around you is opposed. How to understand this? If 9 out of 10 people around you think they are trying to humiliate or insult you, you probably have the trauma of rejection, or you have some kind of paranoid personality type (everyone around me is enemies!), Projecting your behavior onto others (as a result, those around you) people also start to see you as their enemy). Quite often, such a position of a person is associated with childhood years (cold, denying, rejecting, breaking the boundaries of the mother's figure; nobody listened to the child, pushed him away, he did not feel accepted in the family as he really is).

3. You do not give yourself the right to be unique, special, different from others, but at the same time have your own shortcomings. In this case, it is very easy to condemn and humiliate you, to criticize (“Yes, you are something spiteful today!”). Yes, spiteful, I know and believe that the situation in which I threw out all my emotions took place, and in general I had every right to do this, get angry and speak out - it is important to understand such moments about myself. There are many negative emotions and feelings in life, but you should not push them away from yourself (“I don’t want to know such things about myself!”), You need to realize that at some moments in life this can happen to every person, we all periodically we are selfish, angry and greedy. It is important to give yourself the right to do this, then the other will not be able to offend you. Only then can you hear that you have been insulted, understand that you have tried to humiliate - yes, I am spiteful, but what's wrong with that? Thus, you are already reacting and you are sure to respond. And the strength of your emotion is not important (“Perhaps, in this situation, I went too far!”), It is important to understand that you have the right to periodically vent your emotions out the way you want it, how it turns out. It doesn't make anyone better or worse.

Self-esteem is directly related to inner dignity - if inside your consciousness there is a firm conviction that you are a worthy person, it will be difficult to hit you outside for it (at least it hurts). And then, no matter what you do, no one will be able to criticize and shame, offend and humiliate you - you will repulse all the attacks of others, setting a rigid boundary.

However, in any case, no matter what kind of person you are (with paranoid traits in character, with a deep conviction that you should not have any flaws, etc.), you have every right to a pleasant and comfortable relationship in which the boundaries will be arranged in such a way that it is convenient for you to communicate with a person. It is very important to arrogate to yourself this right and go with it further in life, not allowing yourself to be humiliated.

How to understand that they are trying to humiliate you?

1. Observe the person. How does he communicate with other people? Is this passive-aggressive tone present with others, and not just when it relates to your trauma or unrecognized flaw?
2. Listen to what others are saying about him. Perhaps there are mutual acquaintances who are already familiar with this person. In this case, you should confidentially talk to them (“Tell me, don't you think that Vasya is sometimes very spiteful?). Another option is to ask an outside observer (a person you really trust) whether they are consciously or unconsciously trying to hurt you; share with him the details of the unpleasant situation, conversation, describe the tone of your interlocutor, his emotions, and listen to someone else's opinion.
3. Listen to yourself. Is this person misleading you on your own path? Each of us has our own preferences and goals, but often, responding to criticism, we begin to "fold". For example, a significant person for you said that red does not suit you at all, and over time you completely remove red clothes from your wardrobe or ignore it. You will no longer wear your favorite blouse with an inscription in red, because you were told that it was ugly! Another situation - a loved one said that the new hair color does not suit you, after a few weeks you decide to repaint, falling under the influence of someone else's opinion. Relatively speaking, you unconsciously merge with the person who tried to humiliate you, offend, criticized, and “try on” his opinion. It is important to be able to regain an opinion about yourself.

Unfortunately, the human psyche is arranged in such a way that we want to get an answer to the question: “Why do they treat me like this? I’m not to blame, I didn’t do anything terrible!” What could be the reasons for this attitude?

1. A person enters into rivalry with you, competes, envies. You get something in life, and against your background he feels wrong, bad, he is ashamed and embarrassed for himself. And then the whole range of emotions that he experiences next to your success, turns outward directly on you (“You won’t succeed! Sit down and don’t twitch!”). In you, he sees the cause of his misfortune, because you are doing something, and he sat "on the priest evenly" and did not try to move anywhere until he saw the success of another person next to him ("Ahhh, it turns out! So, I you need to lift your ass and do something! No, it's just that you are so wrong! "). This is a kind of reaction, narcissistic denial.
2. A person is afraid and worried about losing you as a friend, limiting communication, etc. For example, if you were offered a promotion with possible business trips, your wife may start to get angry, insult and humiliate you in this place ("What business trip is there? Sit down and do not twitch!") … This behavior may be due to worries - she will stay on her own for 2 months. If you go abroad to study or work, this step is important for you, but for relatives and friends, the situation is quite painful, so they can react with humiliation and insults, and behave very incorrectly. This is an indicator that it hurts them to part.
3. If there is a lot of humiliation around you, it may be the work of your rather early, deep trauma (this is probably how you relived your relationship with your parents). The challenge in adult life is to recycle the remnants of childhood trauma and its outward manifestations.

So what do you do?

The most important thing to do in a situation where you feel that they are trying to insult and humiliate you is to talk. In fact, this is the most difficult thing, because dialogue is always the result of creativity, you need to adapt to each next situation, to the next interlocutor. There is no universal phrase that can work for all people. There are many phrases that will affect the vast majority, but you still have to choose in which situation what to say. It is important to allow yourself to be sincere and straightforward in relation to your interlocutor - oddly enough, this works much better and more efficiently than memorized phrases from books (“It's none of your business….”). If the person is close to you, and the relationship is quite trusting, talk about your pain, about what is specifically unpleasant ("You said seemingly pleasant words, but the tone was rather sarcastic, it hurt me, there was a feeling that you were trying to offend me."). If the relationship is very close, talk about your injury, what exactly hurt you and in what place (“This is where you hurt me, my mother talked to me like that, but I’m not little now, and you’re not my mother! Let's talk on equal terms! ").

The question always arises - how to say?

Start by saying "What's going on?" This is a wonderful and versatile phrase that works 100% of the time. So, in order to "dump" the accumulated energy, you first need to get out of the situation. What's happening? You are telling me something now, but it is unpleasant and painful for me, I react. Take a few seconds of pause (for example, 30 seconds) before reacting - the situation can be so offensive that the first response will be the same (with rudeness, aggression and shouting). If you go screaming, then you will show your weakness and, consider, you have lost. Relatively speaking, no one will hear you, the tone will only rise further, and an adequate conversation will not take place. At the moment when everything inside you has risen and rages, it is very important to breathe out a little, to understand what exactly hooked you and why, to figure out how to inform your interlocutor about it. The very fact that you will not pass by the insult, insult, will not ignore the negative attitude towards yourself, will change your relationship. Even if you do not know what exactly needs to be said at the moment. Say a word and a short phrase - and that will be enough. Over time, analyze the situation - what did you react to and why, what did not like it. If you can, formulate a mini-dialogue for the person who touched you: “Could you not talk to me like this next time? You don't need to say this word or phrase. You shouldn't treat me like I owe you something. It hurts me, I react very painfully to such remarks. " You need to make it clear to the interlocutor what exactly you expect from him, what kind of relationship is more acceptable for you. In 90% of cases, the conflict ends at the time of the conversation (if this is a person who does not want to hurt and offend you; if your interlocutor is not used to hurting others and he has "thick skin" - he simply does not notice the insults and does not think about his behavior, or notices, but already directly during an unpleasant situation, therefore, acts in accordance with the model of behavior to which he was accustomed; another option is the borderline organization of the personality).

If you notice that the interlocutor reacts in the same way in similar situations, it is worth analyzing all the circumstances and stop creating them. Relatively speaking, if a person reacts to the fact that something has turned out much better in your life, do not tell him about your successes, and he will not throw out aggression in response. If this is a person with whom it is absolutely impossible to end the relationship, you can distance yourself, limit communication, try to change his perception (however, it is important to understand why your interlocutor behaves this way).

Find support in your environment - you will definitely need a person to rely on, to discuss painful moments (Did it seem to you or is everything really against you? Is this a manifestation of trauma, or is a person a boor in life?). Think about what you can do to make it less painful. In such a situation, the best support is a psychotherapist.