2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The family system often reeks of destructive relationships. The inability to talk about needs, problems is based on the fact that there is no contact with the inner world, a person does not pay attention to his own feelings. He lives by habit, since there was no emotionally healthy parent nearby who would acquaint the child with his inner world and teach him to recognize his true desires.
It is accepted that there are four basic feelings such as fear, anger, joy and sadness. In many families there is a prohibition on the manifestation of certain basic feelings.
For example, the family actively expresses fear, sadness and joy, and anger is taboo. Sometimes several basic feelings are forbidden at once. In any case, the repressed energy of feelings does not disappear anywhere. In such a family, a symptom will certainly be created (illness, addiction, trauma, perhaps even suicide). The ban on these feelings is formed by some strong belief or introject. In the gestalt approach, an introject is an alien message from another, stronger object - it can be a parent, social norms, religion, which is accepted as a dogma, but not tested by one's life experience. Let's look at examples of introjects that help suppress basic feelings.
Do not be afraid. Be brave.
In essence, these phrases contain the message "When you are afraid, drop yourself, act automatically, cut off from your feelings." That is, we learn to abandon the part of the soul that was scared.
Precontact is the first stage of the contact cycle. Ideally, this means carefully getting to know something new in life and building your security. For many, a comfortable pre-contact is an inaccessible skill, because they have already learned to act with the help of overcompensation - to tear and break themselves, reaching the goal. But then all the same, unconsciously, fear catches up. A person may not understand that he is afraid, therefore, there are feelings of anxiety, anxiety states. A person may not associate the emerging states with the source of fear, so they, as inexplicable and incomprehensible, frighten even more. In most cases, there is a desire to somehow escape from these experiences by changing the state of consciousness (alcohol, drugs, depression, apathy).
But in fact, there is a lot of potential for self-care hidden in the experience of fear. If you give the child the opportunity to experience fear and not devalue it as an unworthy and disapproving feeling, then the child learns to intuitively approach the personality of another person, to the world as a whole, cognizing the surrounding space, but constantly looking at himself - how comfortable he is.
The next introject is “You can't get angry (bad, sinful)”
The consequences of this introject, if used in the family from birth, are as follows:
- the child does not even know how to recognize his anger;
- bruises, cuts, fractures, accidents, and even suicide (autoaggression) is possible;
- psychosomatics;
- anxiety disorders that are constantly present in life (social phobia, panic attacks).
The advantages of owning anger are, first of all, self-presentation, the ability to express one's opinion and defend one's own boundaries, and good self-esteem. Healthy aggression does not break the boundaries of the other. There is no motivation to hurt another person, to harm. There is a goal - to be presented.
If you are happy, then you will have to pay for it with suffering
Religious introjects "You were born in sin", "Servant of God". In most families, it is not customary to rejoice, because in feelings - you will have to pay for everything in life. There is no skill to experience the feeling of joy. They do not try to find out from the child what makes him happy and support him in this. There is a surrogate for fun - feasts, common holidays, an abundance of toys, as a substitute for living relationships. Achievement, cold calculation, reproaches, gloominess, heavy atmosphere in the house prevail in everyday life. Not being able to experience joy leads to a loss of interest in life.
What does the appropriated feeling of joy give? It helps to more vividly experience the sensations from everyday life - the taste of food, warm meetings with friends, a feeling of closeness, intimacy of relationships, enjoyment from the wind, sun, water and much more.
Joy is different from fun, it is quiet and calm.
Don't be sad, everything will pass
Sadness and sadness are socially discouraged. Manifestations of these feelings strain others, and in most cases advice is given: “Don't worry,” “Do something else,” “Find yourself another,” “Forget it,” “Let's drink?”.
Sadness is a sign of the completion of some business, project, relationship (post-contact). Not being able to live sadness prevents you from meeting the result. And the lack of a result leads to a devaluation of the efforts and time. As a result, a person devalues not only his experience, but also himself. No sadness, no personality.
The child has the right to be sad. From separation from parents, unfulfilled desires and for other reasons. An adult who lives sadness knows how to end relationships without jumping into new ones, assimilate past experiences, draw conclusions. This allows him to become more mature. Thanks to this ability, one's own values and a sense of self-worth are formed.
The above examples of suppression of basic feelings show us that by accepting other people's attitudes, we lose our lives. And often, this happens in childhood when critical thinking is absent.
Lack of emotional maturity is like a cracked foundation on which a building stands. And such a building can collapse at any moment. Therefore, all efforts are made to keep the fragile structure through manipulation, substitution and violence against each other. This is necessary to create an image - "we are fine."
Emotional maturity can help create healthy relationships. It makes it possible to cope with life, gives a feeling of freedom, both to oneself and to another.
Take care of yourself and your loved ones.
Clinical psychologist, gestalt therapist Marina Vasilievna Nikulina-Semyonova. June 30, 2018
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