2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Olga Nechaeva
When a small child is born, he, in fact, can control only the muscles of the face and neck, a little later - the arms, then the legs and back, gradually he gains the ability to grab something, roll over, get on all fours, crawl, walk, by the year he realizes space, by the age of two he learns to consciously control the excretion functions, by 3-4 he gradually feels the time, by 4 he learns to lie (suddenly realizes the separation of reality into fictional and real), by 5-6 love, by 6-7 he becomes arbitrary in emotions, and so further (age for example, may not be accurate).
Returning with the questions: "by allowing the child to be hysterical and scandalous, you encourage emotional licentiousness, and in the future the person will learn to drain the discontent in hysterics."
Picture: the child is a year old. One mother's child has already gone to the potty, she was actively engaged in this. And you didn’t do, you encouraged him to shit in your diaper and you had to wash after him. What is the risk that your child will grow up to be a licentious person, pooping on every corner?
Picture: the child is 2 years old. And now the neighbor's girl is already talking in sentences, and yours is just "boo" and "eider". And you do not work with him according to Doman's cards, you encourage him "boo" and "gaga" by the fact that you understand him perfectly, without forcing him to collect himself and "say correctly." What is the risk of your child not speaking?
Picture: the child is 3 years old. He falls to the floor, kicks and demands. Another mother has already spanked and he fell silent, and yours yells, and you encourage that in any way you do not punish him for such immaturity.
Why, in this case, is there a fear that he will certainly grow up and kick his legs at 20?
Why are those laws of nature, those laws of learning that we believe, knowing that you cannot accustom yourself to hands, that at 6 months he does not manipulate, that we will not feed him from a spoon, carry him on handles and wipe his ass forever, that sooner or later he will learn to walk, talk, braid his braids and smoke in the alleyway - why does this belief refuse here?
This is the first moment.
Second point: our own fear.
We are from the generation of iron felixes. Remember the quote from The Thomas Crown Affair? "When my wife left, I beat up two suspects, got drunk, got into a fight, crashed the car - in general I was fine." We are from a generation where the expression of negative emotions is unacceptable. There are many historical reasons for this, and now they are not important. We are terribly afraid that we will raise children who, when they feel bad, suddenly dare to show it, and say, and do it loudly! Because then the unthinkable will happen, EVERYONE WILL FIND OUT how bad it is for them, both then and then …. And then what? They will be considered hysterical weaklings, and we - bad parents. And the worst thing is that this is what we ourselves will think. We will shudder with sharp feelings of irritation and guilt. Therefore, when they feel bad, they do not want to live and everything is at zero, they should … And what should they? What do we do when my husband cheated, fired from work, cheated on the street, stole a wallet, threw a partner? Well, we know how to manage ourselves, right, we do not allow hysterics. We get drunk to vomit. We cry to friends. We smash our fists into blood against the wall. Howling a beluga in an empty room. We sleep with half of the office. We eat six kilograms of ice cream. We make a life-pain tattoo. Orem on their own children. We buy 5 new handbags. We find exits, right? We are adults, reserved, wise, well-bred people. We cannot just howl in the hands of a loving person, we do not have those who will allow us to howl in their hands without devaluing or persuading us to stop. (pysy. I have a husband. He allows you to howl, curse, hysteria and he just accepts. I am very lucky).
So, returning to the tired, hysterical, broken 3-5-7 years old school: What should they do? What handbags to buy, what to drink, what to inject and who to sleep with, when their life goes downhill, but you can't howl, it's a shame, and in the priest for that. What option do children have, besides neurosis, aggression, lying, and self-harm?
I know the next question - when a passport officer fooled you - it's serious, but when she has cat ears on a suit of the wrong shape - it's dog bullshit. Moreover, she should understand how her topics are bullshit, and yours are real. And I think she should tell her about it. That from morning till night she is busy with dog bullshit, and upset about this is bullshit. And then the husband comes home from work, his boss is a moron, and he will also tell you that all your frustrations with the passport officer are bullshit, but he has problems - these are problems. And then you will become very offended and lonely, and you will go to the mother's group and write there, and they will support you and virtually hug you. So you already have a 5-year account? She already has a place to write "my mom does not understand me, considers my problems to be garbage, and yelled at me when I was crying, but I am so lonely and offended and do not want to live, support me"?
And now the main thing is if you are still with me. And what will happen if you still forbid the child to hysteria.
It is possible, not at all difficult, moreover, a lot more is possible. A child is an extremely plastic creature. If you do not approach the child, he will learn not to cry, honestly. A child can be taught everything - and work at 2 years old, and be a prostitute at 5, and be an adult at 4. It all depends on the environment of upbringing. In the environment of European civilization, a child can afford to be a child up to the age of 21. Among the poor African countries - up to 3. All this, by and large, is a matter of family values. I have such values that I am glad that the child allows himself with me "personality disintegration", this means - he trusts me, this means - he knows that I will help, this means - he knows that I do not need to be ashamed, not you need to hide your feelings from me, you don't need to portray anything. And for someone it is important that the child "shows respect." I can understand this, but I personally chose other values for myself, that's all.
Yesterday I asked my husband, "but imagine that at 20 they will also blame it for something incomprehensible and pour out all the negativity on us?" He said simple and wise:
"They will do it anyway. Another question is silently behind the eyes, or in your face. In my opinion, it is better when in the face."
And the last thing. How long to endure. When can you say "what kind of concerts are these ?! Pull yourself together"? Whenever. It is up to us and us to decide when we confront our own child with the inevitable fact:
* He is alone in this world *
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