2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Client's letter.
I would like to present you a letter written by my client about one of the stages of our work. Published with permission. Hopefully this letter will help you see "your" victim circles.
Hello Sergey Vladimirovich. I thought, since we won't see each other soon, I'll write you a letter while the thought is fresh). It is important for me, in principle, to write down these considerations, why not immediately and in your mail)
I think I can finally answer, "why is it profitable for me to be a Sacrifice." The main and main goal is to confirm the picture of the world, my negativistic approach is based on “I knew it” and “you can't trust anyone”. It was clear to me for a long time, but the feeling that the answer was complete did not arise. You mentioned that the Victim receives a huge amount of energy, and so I was looking for everything: where? as? Why don't I notice it and can't take full advantage of it?
As a result, I traced the pattern of the development of my affects, and it seems that I understood what was the matter. I even drew a picture (in the attachment), and I will comment on it below. Apparently, I get into the Victim position _double_ per cycle: the first time I don't get anything (or it seems to me so), but the second time I hit the jackpot - but I don't have the strength to evaluate the winnings, and I hardly notice it, since swallowed up in devastation and the cessation of internal strife. Energy from the environment really comes in a lot, but all of it goes to repair to the minimum functioning. I meet her appearance with sluggish internal comments from “we brought it, now let's jump around” to “we realized it too late, I don’t need anything”, but this is more sarcasm than serious or gloating, and I want everyone to leave as soon as possible. Then I gain strength (or neurosis urges me on), I understand that I myself was unfair, and then I go out to the Rescuer, and the cycle repeats.
Explanations for the picture
1. Rescuer: Fix everything, help everyone, do the best! Full of forces, bright prospects. Relatives are highly attentive, requests are submitted correctly and within my capabilities. I really want to fix what I destroyed with a flash of anger - and precisely by actions, and not by conversations and intentions, whose value is questionable in comparison with material evidence of care and redemption.
2. Everything is good! I try -> I am loved and praised -> I am happy and I try harder. More than they ask, more than I can, in general, everything is a little superfluous, but this does not bother me, because "it is not difficult for me" and I will please everyone. It's not hard yet.
3. Decreased response. My efforts cease to be something exceptional: they are still praised and loved, but more and more mechanically, and it seems that this is either not really necessary, or is taken for granted. I begin to strain, not getting what was expected, but I cannot reduce the degree of application of efforts: "I called myself a body - take the mushrooms." Shame gradually fades, guilt and anxiety grow.
4. Frustration becomes very tangible and constant. What began as an unhindered service to mutual pleasure is tacitly assigned to me, and if I no longer do something within a certain time frame, they are presented. Praise is no longer just insufficient, but frankly little, and sometimes they simply forget to praise. I wish at this stage, of course, to clarify that I was not hired and will be done when it is done - but I am usually ready to fall into the Sacrifice and do as I have been told, just to see if they will say "thank you" to me at all or not. The strength is running out, the guilt has disappeared, the alarm goes off scale.
5. Victim. I am already seriously offended, with the last bit of strength I try through resistance, but Nobody Appreciates! Resentment and anger reach the limit, but I can't discuss anything with anyone, "guess-they say-sama." I take on some last case, with the expectation that finally the pancake will be normally praised. The matter is given hard, none of the participants is happy, but it must certainly be brought to the end - otherwise there is nothing to praise for. But resentment and anger are already so swayed that at the first opportunity I pass the _critical point_. Not so praised, little, insincere, but me! For you goats! "I didn't finish the sweet couscous" - and rushed. Should you be disinhibited by alcohol or just wind yourself up more than usual, 6 immediately comes.
6. Executioner. Affect: everyone is guilty, everyone is counting, a stream of undigested emotions, tears, screams, ugly that. I don’t care what will happen to me, with the relationship, I need to blame and blame, and there at least the grass will not grow. They fear and hate me - but it's impossible to ignore me, I finally concentrate someone else's attention, and I don't care what quality it is.
7. Desolation. Relief comes for a short time, I don't feel anything anymore, and that's great. It is useless to shame me, to appeal to my sense of duty and conscience, I cannot be blamed, etc. etc. Nothing at all. There is peace and quiet inside. Alas, it does not last long. The heaviness and the realization that it happened again, I again stepped on the same rake.
8. Apathy. I gradually feel sorry for myself, and everything is wildly difficult, and I frankly put on those around me. Hence the direct path to the Sacrifice. It is impossible not to notice the changes in my behavior, I become not an assistant, but a natural burden.
9. Victim. AND THIS IS IT, ENERGY. Now they take care of me, they cook porridge for me and tuck my blanket. But I sleep all the time or lie stupidly in silence, feeling sorry for myself and for myself in every way. It's hard to see my loved ones, I almost cry. I see concern and suspicion creeps in: I'm stressing everyone because I'm lying. I would have bothered to cook porridge for any hysterics, and it probably also annoys them.
10. Shame and guilt replace self-pity. I begin to reproach myself for the ugly behavior in which no one but me is to blame. "Here again I fell upon innocent people, and they are carrying your porridge for you." I no longer lie in such a state
I can, so I begin quietly, without a demonstration, to do something familiar - which no one has asked me to do yet.
11. The situation seems to me incomplete, and I think that I can earn back a good attitude, I can, if again I will be nice to everyone and help everyone. Go to 1.
Author: Your psychotherapist Sergey Kotov [email protected]
Psychotherapist, Candidate of Medical Sciences
Moscow city
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