PSYCHOTHERAPIST AS A PARENT

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The task of the therapist is not to replace the client

his parents, and bring him to them

B. Hellinger

In many ways, the functions that the psychotherapist performs in relation to the client are parental functions. To a greater extent, this concerns psychotherapy of character, when it is not about working with situationally conditioned problems, but about changing the client's picture of the world and all its components - the image of the world, the image of I, the image of the other. In this case, the source of the client's problem is not the current difficult situation in his life, but the peculiarities of the structure of his personality. Let's just say that the client is the very source of his psychological problems: he constantly steps on the same rake, makes circle after circle in his life and inevitably ends up in the same place.

In this case, the psychotherapist is inevitably faced with traumas of the client's development, which are a consequence of the violation of the parent-child relationship, as a result of which a number of significant needs of the child are unmet. We are talking specifically about chronic traumas, which are the result of constantly frustrated needs of the child, first of all - for safety, acceptance, unconditional love.

The psychotherapist has all the qualities good enough parent … He:

• Sensitive to the needs of the client;
• Included in his problems;
• Accepts it without judgment;
• Trust;
• Supports;
• Cares;
• Relieves anxiety.

As a result of the above, the client in the course of therapy inevitably regresses to the position of the child, projecting the parental image onto the psychotherapist, the client begins to see in the psychotherapist the parent he lacked.

In psychotherapy, according to D. Winnicott, we try to imitate the natural process that characterizes the relationship between mother and child. It is the "mother-child" pair that can teach us the basic principles of therapeutic work with clients whose early communication with parental figures was "not good enough" or was interrupted for some reason.

And psychotherapy, in fact, can be metaphorically represented as a parenting process - a psychotherapist's accompaniment of a child-client along the trajectory of his life.

The psychotherapist in the described situation inevitably has to be deeply involved in the therapeutic process.

In connection with this inclusiveness, the psychotherapist inevitably experiences intense feelings of both clients (in therapy they are usually called transference) and his own (countertransference).

The process of psychotherapy often raises strong emotions in the client that are difficult for him to cope with. Clients in psychotherapy are often disorganized, emotionally unstable.

It is easier, of course, for a psychotherapist to deal with the client's "positive" emotions - sympathy, interest, admiration, love …

It is much more difficult to experience feelings and reactions of the "negative" register - devaluation, accusation, reproaches, irritation, anger, rage, shame, guilt … Moreover, in the process of contact with a client, a psychotherapist often has to withstand such feelings, using Bion's terminology, - to contain …

How, in this case, to stay in touch without starting to react? What resources should a psychotherapist have for this?

In my opinion, one of the mechanisms that allows the therapist to cope with negative feelings is understanding to them both the essence of the therapeutic process and the essence of those processes that occur with the personality of the client in psychotherapy.

Understanding the fact that the client is intensely experiencing and trying to respond to his childhood feelings, and the therapist becomes a target in the client's line of fire, that these feelings are directed not at him, but at other people (and often deliberately being exposed to this fire) allows him to remain within the framework of a psychotherapeutic position, do not sink to the level of response - on the one hand, and accept negative feelings with less harm to their psychological health - on the other.

The psychotherapist-parent listens carefully to the "sound" of the client, testing and, if possible, satisfying his needs, over time, less and less controlling and taking care of him, giving him responsibility for his life.

So, over time, many parenting functions in relation to the client - acceptance, support, love, appreciation - become the internal functions of the client - self-acceptance, self-support, “self-love” (self-love), self-esteem …

At the same time, it is very important to remember that the main task of psychotherapy is not to replace the client's parents with the psychotherapist, not to become for him those parents whom he lacked, but to bring the client to his own parents.

The psychotherapeutic mistake here will be trying to compete with parental figures, trying to become the best parent for the client. In this case, the client will unconsciously resist psychotherapy up to leaving it due to his unconscious and inevitable loyalty to his parents, regardless of their real characteristics.

A good result of therapy will be the same as in the case of good parenting: in the process of growing up, the child's parents become his internal objects, and the person himself becomes a parent for himself, capable of self-support in difficult situations; in the process of psychotherapy, the therapist becomes an internal object for the client, and the client is able to be a therapist for himself.

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