2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There are two opposing points of view, each of which often sounds like the only true truth.
First - “I should be loved as / as / as / as I am. In a relationship, everything should be simple and easy. If some investment is required in a relationship, this most likely means the end. So it was not the same / the same one. After all, a real prince / princess will not expect anything from me in return, we will suit each other like perfect halves and will always be happy, without any efforts and problems”
The second - “Love and relationships is a difficult task that requires constant tension and work on yourself. If I do not improve and do not grow above myself, I can lose a loved one”
So, if you hold the first or second opinion, and for some reason everything is not going well in the relationship, most likely you have fallen into one of the traps of these beliefs. Let's figure it out.
The desire to have fun passively is infantile. That is, to receive attention, gifts, recognition of their importance, other manifestations of care, love and respect without any effort on their part, just like that, "because I exist."
The desire to earn love in every conceivable and inconceivable way is neurotic. The same applies to attempts to "earn" love after the fact, to justify for themselves the signs of attention received once.
It would seem that the first option is about self-love, the second is about dislike. But it is not so. Both options, as you can immediately understand, are rather dysfunctional - that is, they do not bring the desired result.
Usually, such a relationship cannot develop, a person does not feel good in this relationship and cannot understand that something is wrong with him or with his chosen one / chosen one.
Now, none of these options are about self-love. In the first case, a person is selfish, but this is not love. Because in such a case, a person does not put himself into anything. He behaves like a helpless hungry child who - attention - doesn't think he is capable of anything. Which in no way can deserve love, attention and respect. He can only exist. The basic, very ancient psychic protection, which arose in distant childhood, is included. A sense of their uniqueness and omnipotence is included in order to cover a huge hole in skills. It is unbearable for a child to experience the fact that he is not capable of anything, he is helpless, he cannot help himself, he is completely dependent on others. Therefore, psychic protection appears - a mechanism to protect the psyche. And she, of course, is not aware.
Why don't they like selfish and infantile people? Because they immediately notice this falsehood. And rarely does anyone want to adopt or adopt adults (by passport age) people.
The second option, it would seem, is the opposite of the first, and it is definitely not about love.
However, they are quite similar in what lies at the heart. First, it is a feeling of being not good enough, unworthy, incapable of anything. Secondly, it is the focus of attention on the other person and an attempt to control him. If in the first case, the control consists in the conviction “they have to love me”, that is, there is no need to make any efforts, people around should already obey this rule.
In the second case, this illusion of control is supported by diligent, sometimes exhausting, work and the same disregard for the desires, preferences and boundaries of the other. I will still deserve your love, I will still get your approval, even if you don’t need my efforts, even if it costs me health / money / self-respect, etc.
For both the first and second cases, depreciation is also characteristic. And sometimes it is even a devaluation of love; This attitude (demands in the first case and an endless race for approval in the second case) will not necessarily be aimed at a cold and unfeeling stranger. If the chosen one / chosen one still shows love, why will it depreciate, because for the sake of love this was all started? Because there will be no way to take it. Since a person himself does not feel worthy and capable, he forbids himself to take this love. And the longer he continues to play at a baby or a fighter for other people's feelings, the more he is in short supply. The stronger is his need for acceptance, care and respect, and it will never be enough from another person. No matter how much the other is invested, everything will disappear in a deep pit of depreciation. Such is the vicious circle.
Devaluation is beneficial for another reason - it is too scary to lose the illusion of control over another. After all, then he can love or not love, show respect or not show it, pay attention or not. And he can do this because of completely different motives associated with only one fact of existence, the actions of a dear and close person, or some of his million other reasons.
Or maybe it's not so scary to recognize this freedom for other people, if you return to yourself and understand your motives for behavior? If you give yourself freedom?
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