Give Me What I Want And It Will Be Fine

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I sometimes talk with men who systematically resorted to direct violence in the family - they beat "their" women, including in the presence of children. Then there was "reconciliation", and further along the well-known, knurled track. Moreover, these were not some terrible psychopaths (these do not talk to psychologists), but ordinary men, for whom you would not even suspect beatings - no square jaws, lumpy muscles and a wild look.

In their personal history, there is an abyss of physical and psychological violence against them, when they tried to break them into dust and "reassemble" into a convenient model, correct for the parents. The correct model did not work out - only the old one, disfigured by scars, and the inability to stop when faced with someone else's will, which does not give in to you, is assimilated. Meeting someone else's "no" or outrage? You just need to push …

When these men, horrified in the end by what they are doing (and this often happens - and below we are talking only about such), they go to a psychologist, they think that, having renounced physical violence, they have already done everything necessary to it would be possible to "negotiate" with girlfriends, wives or already former companions. And it turns out that they cannot at all realize what is violence - in their minds it is only a beating.

- Endlessly calling and sending SMS about what you love is not violence, this is an initiative in a relationship that shows how much I care how much I love her.

- But she clearly and clearly tells you - do not call me and do not send SMS, I'm just afraid of them.

- But then how can I show that I love her?

- It's very simple. Hear her no.

- But then we may not have any relationship! I don’t want to! (behind this hides a small child, stomping his feet and hysterically demanding what he wants from his parents)

- And you can at least once see behind your "I do not want" her "I do not want so"?

Of course they cannot. As parents do not see their own “don’t want”, they don’t perceive the other person’s “don’t want” unless it is backed up by force. They cannot stop because childhood abuse retained the ability to fear, but burned out any other feelings (compassion, respect, pity …) that can stop the abuse.

And with fear, there is one paradox. Deep down, many of these men remain frightened children awaiting abuse - and they are therefore unable to realize that they terrify those who are being beaten. How is it - I - and inspire terror ?! Yes, I stopped hitting you, no hitting - no fear … "I'm afraid of you" is perceived as a misunderstanding or even an insult - I myself am an unhappy victim, how can you be afraid of me? You just give me what I want and everything will be fine.

And one more moment that these men are not aware of. In order to at least agree on something (for example, about children), you need to be a person who is trusted, on whom you can rely and in contact with whom there is a sense of security. How can you rely on someone who is incapable of not beating? Can't stop yourself from texting, making calls, coming to a "common" house or at the threshold of an apartment, not bombarding with gifts - that is, over and over again trying to break into someone else's, many times designated, borders? How can you negotiate with the attacking enemy? And this can be a very difficult task for such men - to realize themselves as dangerous, predatory and attacking animals, which they are afraid of and flee from, and not unfortunate victims of circumstances / parents / women. The paradox is that through the appropriation of this danger (through the accompanying shame and recognition of the boundaries of one's own forces) there can be a way out of the circle of violence. True, very few come to this …

UPD. This happens not only with men, of course. If we go beyond the scope of physical violence against women, then gender loses its meaning.