The Most Basic Moment In ALL Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Boldly and boldly" to assert themselves and let the second bend. But a person who is ready to cave in is a very bad partner. This is a weak person and unreliable, he will betray you as easily as he will. Yes, and you are a bad partner and a rather poor person if you want to bend your loved ones and do not want to take into account their interests.

Instead of one creature, two, two full-fledged people should appear, and you should bear in mind both of them, place them in your picture of the world. It is difficult if before that there was only one center in your picture of the world, yourself.

The most difficult, but also the most basic moment in all respects, is the division of boundaries. It will turn out to understand it and start applying it, there will be no problems in the relationship.

In the meantime, it does not work out, it seems that the tasks are unsolvable. And in life, problems are unsolvable, and in any answer to the problem is wrong. As if I am deliberately mocking.

Division of boundaries

Some people sincerely think that "whatever the answer is, it will be wrong." But this happens when solving relationship problems (both in the article and in life) you are trying to choose between your own interests and the interests of another person. And the division of boundaries is taking into account those and other interests at the same time.

If you look only at your own interests, and do not take into account the interests of a person, then you objectify him, depersonalize him, and this is a confluence of boundaries. The subject is you, and the second impassive object in your field, which must obey your interests or disappear.

This is how many people understand "pike". "Boldly and boldly" to assert themselves and let the second bend. But a person who is ready to cave in is a very bad partner. This is a weak person and unreliable, he will betray you as easily as he will. Yes, and you are a bad partner and a rather poor person if you want to bend your loved ones and do not want to take into account their interests.

But what an ambush. As soon as you try to take into account the interests of the second, you shift your focus of attention to him, and together with the focus and locus of control, and at this moment you lose yourself. Without dividing boundaries, your locus of control and focus of attention are always together! And when the boundaries are dividing, your focus of attention turns out to be on this side of the boundaries, then on the other, and the locus is always in place - in you. Focus of attention as an agent controlled by the center.

Forgetting about your own interests in favor of the interests of another, you objectify yourself, depersonalize yourself. Now the subject is the second, and you are an impassive object.

This is what border fusion does to you. You then appropriate a partner for yourself, then you merge yourself with him, but never in your field there are two full-fledged subjects, you and your partner, whose interests should be taken into account equally.

In an acute conflict, you choose your interests, but you still take into account the interests of your partner, you see, you understand, otherwise you will not resolve the conflict.

And in a conflict-free time, you should all the more respect equality of interests (with a balance, even take into account the interests of your partner a little more), then the person next to you will be truly comfortable and interesting.

But people with confluence of boundaries, when they say "equality of interests" all the time mean either only themselves, or only another. Conceptually, it seems to them that this is equality, but in fact at this moment they consider themselves or another non-human, but some kind of addition.

Here's a situation, for example. The man came to dinner with the woman, but the whole evening he was worried that he could not park properly and his car was under threat. The woman sat sour and suffered from the fact that the man was so fixated on the car, and not on it.

Some (even one man) suggested making a lance or delivering a tough ultimatum: either deal with me, or go take care of the machine. These proposals did not come by accident. Focusing on their own interests (since the task is to protect them), almost no one imagined himself in the place of another. Either me or him.

And the relationship is not "or", but "and".

He parked badly and now the thoughts of the car spoil his rest. It is uncomfortable for him to ask the woman for leave and go away to solve the problem that has arisen, because she waited and prepared dinner for him, but he also cannot relax. Seeing that the woman is offended by him, the man hesitates with the decision: to leave or to hammer on the car. Of course, an adult must solve such a problem himself and make a choice: I leave or stay, but the relationship for that and the relationship that we make a choice, taking into account the interests of the second, his desires. We do not devote ourselves to them, but we do not ignore them either, we are looking for a balance!

The balance is the balance that there are two subjects in the field, whose interests are equally important.

If a woman is angry at a man's anxiety, it means that she wanted to spit on what exists in his life besides her. Women who do not care about their work, about their children from past marriages, about their hobbies are angry at men. They want to reign in the man's field and devote it to themselves. And if they notice any of his other interests, seriously competing with her, they get mad and consider the question: shouldn't they break off the relationship?

Some are seriously convinced that dividing boundaries means breaking off a relationship. They are so accustomed to living and existing in fusion that when fusion is impossible, they try to break off the relationship. Relationships without fusion do not fit in their heads. It seems to them that this is like a neighborhood in a communal apartment, something like that. Some write to me "there will be no merger, and children will not be born." Although, due to the merger, many women are childless: their men do not love them, they always add up and do not want children, and women treat "wolf cubs" up to their 40s. People spend their lives merging with figures and cannot have fulfilling relationships and happy children.

With real balance, all men ask for a baby!

With a balance, all women want a common child after a maximum of a year of marriage.

It is the relationship without merging that is the most stable, warm and tender, since you take care of the interests of the second, take them into account, see them separately from yours, as a result, you save your energy and help your partner maintain it. Relationships without merging are: "Honey, go to sleep, you are tired, I will do everything myself", "Honey, go to football with friends, I have something to do on the weekend", "I bought a ticket to Montenegro where you wanted to", "Then let's fly from there for three days to Greece, where did you want?"

Relationships without merging are caring for each other, and in merging, such care is impossible, because it is not clear where you are and where the other is, what are his interests apart from yours. All the time it seems that his interests are yours, and therefore it is impossible to see the real interests of the partner, not imaginary.

People therefore go down, into a strong minus in relations with merging, because their own subjectivity prevents them from seeing the subject in another and he is dissatisfied, there is a danger of a rupture, which a person in merging is very afraid of. There can be only one subject in the merge field - you or the other. And to have two subjects, there must be two fields, two owners and good borders. Then love will be possible between the two subjects.

And people in the merger, reading my articles, all the time experience grief. They try to think about self-respect, they stop noticing the other at all! They try to respect the other, stop noticing themselves. How to get two different points of view and take into account both, they do not understand. But this is really difficult until the boundaries and mature perception of the other are formed (as a subject, and not as a nursing body). Instead of one creature, two, two full-fledged people should appear, and you should bear in mind both of them, place them in your picture of the world. It is difficult if before that in your picture of the world there was only one center, you yourself (which in the red you could merge with another and identify with him, cultivate, having lost yourself).

Some people think that self-esteem is a constant defense and a desire to suppress another if he does not want to obey your interests. But with such views, your personal life will flow either in the tower or under the skirting board.

Look how a hypothetical woman who does not want to recognize any interests in a man's life except herself (and says “I don’t care about his children, I don’t care about his work, I don’t care about his friends, let him choose”) quickly goes under the skirting board.

While she sits, pouting, and believes that there will be a man with a high OZ, ready to give up everything for her sake, she can live in a tower and look down from there. But as soon as she falls in love a little (and this can happen quite quickly with the hungry in the tower, and in a collision with the pechorin - instantly, within 10 minutes), she will cling to the prey and think how not to miss it. Yes, she still wants him to give up all interests for her sake, but he does not refuse, and she cannot let him go. What do you think a woman like that does? She begins to consider his interests as her own!

She cannot respect other people's interests, she can accept it all, only by making it her own, having appropriated it. His job is the most important on the scale of humanity, and he is the most important employee (even if not appreciated). His friends are very talented, and he is in charge there (even if not so). She begins to admire everything that he has, idealize, and her friends notice that she, like Chekhov's Darling, lives his life.

This is how he thinks, goes there, does this, then plans. "My Vasya is this, my Vasya is this, but yesterday Vasya was there, and today Vasya is going there, Vasya loves this music, but Vasya despises this music, Vasya would never wear it, but Vasya would like this." Everyone was swollen for a long time from her Vasya, but she does not notice, because Vasya is her god. Sweethearts are obtained from women who have fallen in love, but do not know how to divide boundaries. If they had not loved with all their souls everything that he has in life, had not made it the main thing for themselves, they would have been in conflict and arguing all the time and jeopardized the relationship.

People in a merger either argue or agree, they are not able to accept the only important point that there are TWO points of view in adult relationships, and it is not at all necessary to come to one, and often it is undesirable even, even if there are two.

People get the right to embody their point of view in the general field either in turn, or the one who takes on more responsibility, or by agreeing otherwise. That is, she wants to go to Montenegro, and he to Greece, they are looking for a compromise, and do not prove to each other hoarsely which country is better, and do not put ultimatums and do not pick. What is there to pick if these are two different territories - everyone has the right to love some country more? But Darling would definitely come to the conclusion that Greece is really much better, and Montenegro, where she previously wanted, is complete nonsense, sucks. And okay country. They change completely to match the views and values of the other. People betray all their views, their values when they strive to merge. As a result, outwardly they have become more "suitable", but there is no energy in them, because they have lost themselves, their self-esteem, their core, and without energy they have no attraction, they look pathetic and necessarily become sticky.

Others are fighting for all their own. They fight as if the very existence of a different point of view, other interests, is an encroachment on them, it is an insult. It is necessary to prove, it is necessary to force, it is necessary to subordinate the second to ourselves, because until he agrees, does not want, does not obey, he is an enemy. Why should he obey? Well, what about, after all, they are a couple, and a couple in - this means complete unity? No, a couple is not a complete unity, it is a conditional unity. Complete unity is when one is no longer there, it has turned into the shadow of the other, and a real living couple are TWO subjects, two worlds that are attracted and interested in each other and therefore agree on everything. There are two parties to the agreement with their own interests, and each agreement is an opportunity to take into account both. Do not exclude one thing, but take into account both.

The "self-respect" of the above girl from the tower is always a story about war and surrender."Self-respecting" themselves in a relationship, rapunzels stand with one foot in the tower with a rolling pin in hand (calling it a "lance") and pound on the head of the candidates, forcing them to run. Onegins run a little bit only when the rapunzeli's OZ is higher (the image is very good), but not for long, for that they are Onegin, they soon score. And Rapunzel had already become attached, while she was commanding and waiting for the commands to be executed. And she begins to gradually merge, showing “respect” instead of “self-respect”, also in quotation marks, because she respects Rapunzel for her embarrassing, silly and wolf cub, first from above as inferior, and then from below, when she got stuck to the very top and is ready to cling at any cost (with the Pechorins it is even faster, but even with the Onegin, you don't need a lot of time if the rapunzeli's borders are completely bad).

Many people think why other letter writers go around in circles, read, but to no avail, they cannot get out. Because without dividing boundaries and full awareness of one's own and someone else's subjectivity, it is impossible to leave the circle.

If you divide the boundaries, you will not want to pound and demand worship with a rolling pin, you will not want to merge and please, forgetting about yourself. The more you step on other people's boundaries, the more you will merge yours when you become attached to this person.

Be courteous (= go around the borders) do not forget about your interests, do not look for complete unanimity, let the person realize his interests, and you realize yours, support each other in the realization of interests, and if there is an unsolvable conflict between interests (his interests contradict yours), it is necessary distance a little and see if things start to be decided.

With the same significance, conflicts are successfully resolved, not immediately, so after a while (a compromise becomes possible or a third option, where there is no conflict).

For this, distance is needed so that the significance reaches its maximum of real values.

If your importance is much lower, for you such a relationship is impossible without loss of self-esteem (but this will only give you a delay). If the significance of the other is much lower, such a relationship is destructive for him. But if your importance to each other is approximately equal, you will be able to agree and resolve the conflict. The higher the equal importance, the easier it is to resolve any conflict. published by econet.ru. If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to the specialists and readers of our project here