2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Foreword.
Now we can say that everything was not in vain. A sea of despair and I am alone on an iron armature in the middle of a stormy sea, under a dark blue sky, under the heat of the sun and with memories of the difficult journey here, to the top, where only a huge wave of tears awaited me, drowning all my efforts and aspirations, washed away my sweat from the forehead, doused me with everything, sanctified and left me, as it was necessary - alone in the middle of an endless sea of tears. Who knew that climbing a mountain on a difficult slope on a hot summer day, pumping up the muscles of my legs and back with hot blood, spewing hot carbon dioxide from my lungs, peering up with teary eyes, I would eventually come to what I was really looking for, and to my surprise it was not at all what I always thought to myself, running the road ahead.
This horror that covered me with icy water, once I dared to look up, covered me, drowned me, made me reborn, or at least die, for the umpteenth time. I could not believe that at the top of the mountain it was so cold and empty, except for a huge iron tower, me and the ringing ruthlessness of the rolling wave there was nothing else there. But how dare I wait for something else and raise my gaze to the sky, telling him that I still didn't get what I wanted. The payback was lightning fast. The sky sees me from the inside, it is foolish to hope that I know more than it saw.
Anxiety and fear are my new constant companions in life, covered with the shadow of fatigue from my own calmness. Everything has become the other way around, changed places, now instead of solid earth the sea splashes, instead of handshakes - a firm grip of hands on an iron rod, instead of plans for tomorrow - the vibrations of the sea now.
My anxiety and fear now does not manifest itself as brightly and hopelessly sadly as before, confidence and peace have come in their place, they are simply more reliable friends for a person who is afraid of everything. Together with the calmness, the ocean came out from the inside and now I am inside it, and not he inside me.
I flooded myself, or rather my subconscious, flooded my consciousness, and now I am the sea, and you can swim in me. I embrace depilated bodies and rusty boats of memories, starched blouses and empty stomachs, anger and plastic cups after champagne. I dissolve all this in myself, and at the same time I am not dissolved myself.
But it’s really strange, to run up the mountain in order to be flooded by the sea, but what can you do, the absurdity of our consciousness is such that we really only run to where it does not know. And do not delude yourself with your "knowledge of the path", it is absolutely just freezing in place. Nobody goes anywhere, we are led by our inner ocean, and it is just looking for a big hole to pour us there. And so, hanging on the iron reinforcement-umbilical cord in the middle of our own sea-reflection, we see our whole essence with an unimaginable gaze filled with terrible emptiness and despair, while not losing ourselves, but gaining such great significance that one can literally drown in it.
You need to hold on to yourself more tightly, feel your vibrations, breathe in the smell of your inner world-sea and be aware of your insignificant smallness in the external manifestation, in front of the unimaginable breadth of the inner. When I see her, I am seized with horror because I suddenly plunge into the realization that I do not know myself, and cannot recognize, I can only swim in this sea and be a part of it.
