Grandmothers: How To Establish The Right Relationship After The Birth Of A Baby?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The birth of the first child is an extremely important and exciting event not only for newly-made parents, but also for the entire family system. After all, a baby who has just been born actually initiates for all family members: the husband and wife become mom and dad, and their parents, in turn, become grandparents. And each of them has their own worries and fears, fears and expectations, knowledge and ideas about their functions in the new family. Often against this background, mutual claims, misunderstandings and even conflicts arise between young parents and the older generation (especially with grandmothers), which can greatly darken this special period after the birth of the baby. What should be considered and what should be remembered in order to avoid such a misunderstanding?

AFTER BIRTH WOMAN NEEDS A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

It is no longer a secret for anyone that a woman who has just given birth (especially the mother of her first child) is in a special psycho-emotional state, experiencing the transformation from a pregnant woman, a woman in labor to a mother. And this transition occurs at all levels: hormonal, physical, physiological, psychological, social. All this affects the emotional state of a woman, and in the first months after the birth of a child, she, as a rule, is very emotional, hypersensitive, vulnerable, touchy. All this should be taken into account by both newly minted dads and grandmothers when communicating with a young mother. Try not to criticize her in any way, not to doubt that she is doing well as a mother (even if in your opinion it is not so), not to devalue her work with phrases like “but in our time there were no diapers and washing machines . Show interest not only in the state of the baby, but also in his mother - ask about her health and mood, ask what she ate and how she slept, offer (and do not impose) your help.

There is another feature of a woman who has recently given birth: under the influence of hormones and as a result of a new process of interaction with the baby - the so-called. "Bonding" (a special connection and communication between a mother and a newborn), a young mother is very jealous of strangers (and everyone except the child's father is becoming outsiders for her now). Therefore, advice to grandmothers: never take a baby in your arms without her consent, and even more so do not grab the baby from her hands, even if it seems to you that you can better calm him down, bathe him, swaddle him, etc. If a mother is breastfeeding, try to leave her alone with her baby, because for many women these are especially intimate moments of unity with a newborn baby.

It is important to understand that the first months after the birth of a baby is a special period of the formation of attachment: both the child to the mother, and the mother to the baby. And if young parents do not want to invite visitors to the ward, arrange high-profile extracts from the hospital or open their home for visits immediately after childbirth, try to be understanding. Give young parents the opportunity to get used to new states, and the baby - to adapt to a new world, already too noisy, bright, incomprehensible.

WHAT ARE GRANDMA?

At the same time, it should be remembered that not only mom and dad had a son or daughter. Grandparents have a grandson or granddaughter. And this is also an unusually significant event in their life, even if outwardly it looks different. After all, the birth of grandchildren (especially the first) will mark a transition to a new status, a new social role - and these processes can also be difficult for parents. Someone waited for this event for a very long time, someone, on the contrary, feared and hoped that it would happen later. Be that as it may, grandparents have their own ideas and expectations about how they will (or will not) nurse their grandchildren, help or participate in the lives of their children's little ones. And it would be nice to talk about these expectations before the baby is born. Of course, a lot can change later, but it is necessary to start a conversation about how everyone sees the future even during pregnancy.

Modern living conditions have certain features, which significantly distinguishes the communication of mothers and grandmothers from how it was accepted in past generations. If even 50 years ago, knowledge about how to care for an infant was transmitted "vertically", i.e. from older generations to younger generations, from grandmothers to mothers, today the “horizontal” way of transferring knowledge is more common: when a mother rather trusts the advice and recommendations of people of her generation or experts. And this is not surprising, because science is advancing at a rapid pace, and what was adopted in pediatrics 20 years ago is often not relevant today and can even harm (like, for example, the recommendation to breastfeed a baby no more than once every three hours, give apple juice at three months or wipe with vinegar at a temperature). It turns out that the grandmother, with her knowledge and experience, is no longer an authority for young parents, and this can be extremely hurtful, because she will want to share, pass on experience in the same way as her parents and grandmothers did in their time.

What should a grandmother do in order not to feel "overboard"? Together with future parents, read, watch, study modern information about caring for an infant, how to treat various diseases, about how not only the baby's physical body, but also his psyche develops. This can be very difficult (after all, then the grandmother can feel the feeling that she did a lot wrong in her time), but it is incredibly valuable for a new family member and for relations with all its members.

Young parents, in turn, should also remember that a grandmother is not an enemy to a grandson or granddaughter, even if you do not accept the advice or help that the older generation offers you. Try not to be categorical, do not depreciate the experience of parents, gently and respectfully argue your position. Do not try to convince your mother to think differently, often it is simply impossible (because she will not turn back time and will not change her approach to raising her children) and will only cause resistance and even aggression ("an egg does not teach a chicken"). Remember that the parents are you, which means that the responsibility for the health and life of the child is also on you, and it is this fact, and not the approval of your actions by the parents, that makes you so.

SECRETS OF CONFLICT COMMUNICATION

One of the most annoying situations occurs when future or already established parents and grandmothers interpret each other's actions differently. For example, someone will perceive the purchase of a dowry by a grandmother for a baby as an imposition of their own opinions and views in upbringing. And for some, courteous silence about the upcoming birth of a new family member can be perceived as indifference to this event. Although in fact, in the first situation, the grandmother tried to make her own contribution and help the parents, to show how she, too, expects a meeting with her grandson or granddaughter, and in the second, she is afraid of being too intrusive and therefore does not raise the topic of the upcoming birth herself once again. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to convey the meanings and motives of your actions, and not only to try to do "what is best." And this applies to both sides of the interaction.

It is also necessary to remember that you do not need to carry resentment in yourself. If you didn't like something, hurt, hurt, or angered you, then it is important to tell your family members about it, not only in the format of a reproach or claim, but in the form of an I-statement, speaking about your feelings. For example, “when you do that, I feel that I am not appreciated / I am not important”, or “when you said that, it made me angry because …”. You should avoid labeling (like “all mothers-in-law are indifferent to grandchildren” or “what young people can understand in caring for a baby”), always try to see the situation through the eyes of the opposite side and check their conclusions for truth (“does my grandmother really consider me a worthless mother if bursts into the room when I change the diaper for a crying baby?”or“Do babies really can't cope with a baby if he cries for three hours from colic?”).

It is best if, even before the birth of the baby, grandparents directly ask how they can help a newborn mother after the hospital, and future parents, in turn, will not wait by default, but ask for the necessary help from their elders. If young mothers and fathers decide that at least for the first time they do not want to resort to help, then this decision should be treated with understanding and even joy: after all, this means that the newly-made parents are maturely and consciously approaching the issue of childbirth, and not striving immediately shift the responsibility to others. And various psychological studies also indicate that in this case, the process of adaptation to new roles in the family for spouses is faster, and dads are more actively involved in caring for the baby.

Whichever format of interaction you choose, always remember that you have one goal - raising a healthy and happy baby, but you can always agree on how to achieve this. And children who receive love not only from mothers and fathers, but also from grandmothers and grandfathers, in any case, have an undeniable advantage and valuable experience, whatever this communication may be.