I Was Told You Solve Problems With Wives

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Personal psychotherapy is becoming an increasingly common part of life for many active city dwellers. The demand for family therapy, when a couple (most often) or several family members comes to an appointment, is also growing. At the same time, it is not always clear with what questions it is worth going to a specialist when it is definitely time, and most importantly - is it possible to solve the problem? President of the Latvian Gestalt Therapy Association Irena Goluba told The Village Baikal about what married couples of different ages come to her with, what modern bigamy looks like, and what men suffer in relationships.

We're not going to get divorced

There is a difference between the requests with which people of different ages come to a family therapist. But the role here is played not so much by the person's age as by the age of marriage and everyday experience: the more it is, the clearer people see the difference between their contribution and that of a partner. In the first relationship, a woman may consider it natural to try, adapt and turn inside out, and if a man does not do the same, he turns out to be "wrong." But when a woman steps on the same rake for the second or third time, she begins to understand that something is not right with the man, but with her or with her choice.

Recently, almost half of couples come to therapy on the initiative of men - this is a relatively new trend. The men realized that there is such a convenient option - a psychotherapist. At one time in Riga I was known as a specialist in the return of wives, in this capacity I was passed from hand to hand. Once a man called me and asked if it was true that I solve problems with wives, and whether I guarantee the result? I am certainly not a problem solver. I am engaged in family psychotherapy, and in its process problems are sometimes solved, but their spouses solve. And there can be no guarantees - it all depends on the couple.

At one time in Riga I was known as a specialist in the return of wives, in this capacity I was passed from hand to hand

Often couples come with a problem: life is changing, the family has a new stage, it is necessary to somehow adapt to this. They come with infidelity, with difficulties in raising children. There are a lot of options. But if 10-15 years ago, the main incentive for coming was the risk of family breakdown, now other requests are appearing. The task of harmonizing relations has appeared: we are not going to leave each other and we want to live better.

Although both before and now sometimes they come late, and nothing can be fixed. For example, it is impossible if the meaning of being together has been exhausted, and a new one has not been found. Or if people hurt each other too painfully, primarily by betrayal, betrayal. It is impossible if the marriage - how to say it - is not "fed." That is, when the relationship is arranged in such a way that one or both cannot fulfill their aspirations and desires in this marriage. The simplest example is children. I know a lot of marriages - we are talking about second marriages first of all - that have broken up due to the fact that one of the spouses already has enough children, and he no longer wants, and the second spouse does not have them, and he wants to become a father or mother. This also often leads to the collapse of the union.

Who belongs to whom

When a couple comes with the problem of cheating, you need to understand what cheating is for them. I have my own classification: there are four basic proto-contracts that define what a particular union is.

Patriarchal marriage: the wife belongs to the husband. And then betrayal is something that undermines the foundations, violates the very essence of marriage - it is, of course, about betrayal of the wife. And women usually avoid doing this, unless they are willing to risk marriage. Cheating on a husband in this situation seems to be something very natural. Wives cry, worry, but if they see that their place as wives remains inviolable, they humble themselves and forgive. Forgive once, two. On the third, the question already arises: am I ready for the fact that it will always be this way? And if she decides that she is ready, this is usually due to large families or material dependence. A woman can compensate for this with a classic female tool - "sawing" and refusal to have sex. Especially after the first vector-borne illness brought by the husband (STD. - Ed.)

If in marriage the husband belongs to the wife - these are, of course, much more rare cases - then the husband usually accepts the betrayal of his wife with bitterness. But his betrayal is often a signal that the marriage has outlived its usefulness, the "boy" has grown. Because often the husband belongs to the wife in marriage if he is emotionally weaker and often younger. In many cases, a marriage where the woman is older is the union of an infantile young man who wants to find stability in life through a more experienced and emotionally stable partner. You can say anything you want, but, as a rule, it is obvious who is the mistress in such a marriage.

Usually the husband belongs to the wife in a marriage if he is emotionally weaker and often younger

Among young couples, there are more and more truly free relationships when it is the choice of both

In a marriage where no one belongs to anyone, sexual freedom is often negotiated or accepted by both of them behind the scenes. And even if the fact of having sex with third parties is not particularly pleasing to the second spouse, usually it is either swallowed, or still something is changed. Often the contract for free sex is in fact not equal: usually the woman agrees to it. She would be ready for a marriage where she belongs to her husband, but the husband prefers the concept that no one belongs to anyone and both are free. She takes it for the sake of being with him.

But among young couples, there are more and more truly free relationships when it is the choice of both. Such unions are also frequent in couples 45+ who found each other after the second, sometimes third marriage. They already have established lives, and they do not fuse their fates as tightly as the couples who met and began to live together in their youth.

The most wonderful and also very common model is when both belong to each other. It is typical for people who met at a very young age, grew up together personally, overcame difficulties, starting from the partnership model of relations. And they have grown into each other with everything: children, lifestyle, small habits. They can talk in silence, standing with their backs to each other, and by breathing they feel how someone's day has passed. And if families are so tightly merged, there sex with a third person, firstly, is immediately felt and, secondly, can cause a serious crisis and that very Treason with a capital letter. Because it jeopardizes the whole concept of this marriage, where we belong together.

My first husband's third wife

It might seem like women put up with a lot in relationships. But men also endure a lot: the low quality of married life, general unhappiness. Why? Because any change takes a lot of effort. But, unfortunately, couples often come with a request: do something to change everything in our life, but we didn’t change anything.

In addition, the emergence of a new partner often adds new problems. Relationships with ex-spouses and new spouses of their ex is just a song. Usually not a couple comes with this, it is an individual request. The most painful moment is the formation of a second marriage for the former first spouse. In many cases, the illusion persists: change his mind, return. But when there is a second marriage and a child appears in it, it is already clear that there is not.

The next very painful moment: the meeting of the new woman of the ex-husband with the children. In some cases, the first wife feels that the man is creating the same family, but with a different one. He goes with her to their favorite places, they stay in the same hotels and do the same things. Left women then think that their lives and themselves are being destroyed, and this, of course, is the hardest experience. But if the former spouses behave carefully, then after a while it is quite realistic in the general company to introduce to friends the “third wife of my first husband”.

As for the new spouses, they also have no peace. Wives are especially worried if there are children in a previous marriage, and a man invests in money, help and participation, spends a lot of time with his former family. Then it really becomes like bigamy. And sometimes it is for a while. There is only one way out - to deal with this to all those who feel discomfort from it. But this is a real fact when a man continues to live in two families. He feels so good.

In fact, objectively, it would be enough for these two families. Often men come and say, “I cannot break. I love one woman and love another. On the one hand, we have children, on the other, we have a pregnancy. What to do? And I certainly won't take the responsibility of knowing what to do with all this. But if you allow men what they dream of, then many will indeed choose bigamy.