Important Skills

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I want to write down two thoughts that came to my soul in formed words, with clear understanding, familiar for a long time and, as always, as new. The feeling from them - feathers, slowly gliding down in boats-semicircles. The first is about conflicts with children. It seemed to me that the lion's share of upbringing, perhaps the largest part of it, is laid and manifested precisely in them. In these moments, when you want to quickly, and score, and pinch, and merge. Quickly extinguish and return everything to its place as it was - the child's mood, the route they took, the activity they were doing. Solve the problem as soon as possible, because in the negative it is difficult and difficult, because it is inconvenient and a pity to waste time. But it is precisely these moments - when the children did not share something with each other, when they need to get ready and rush to a certain hour, and the child chooses what to wear and does not feel much motivation, when he asks for the one hundred and first cartoon and you refuse, or buy a slugger and you refuse, but he is angry with you, or cries loudly, or quietly goes under the blanket or into the far corner under the table in the kitchen, burying himself on his knees when he lies down with an asterisk on the floor in a store or subway and yells nasty when you need to work, and they are like bees stuck and bother … these moments

the most subtle, the most demanding pause, stopping and the most conscious, thoughtful decision - how to act now, what to express, and what to keep with you, what to say and what to do - and what not. Because it is in them that the attitude to "negative feelings" is laid - what can be felt and what is not, what is my mother afraid of (which I will be afraid of when I grow up), what my mother is ashamed of (this is why I will feel guilty and hide these feelings from himself), what he punishes and what he allows, what he encourages, and how he proposes to dispose of his feelings, how to express them, in what form. The ability to live through conflicts, to feel or not to feel their true motives, attitude towards another person, the concept of justice, conscience, personal and other people's boundaries, the ability to live no and the ability to insist on one's own is laid down. The ability to be honest with yourself and others is very dependent on the mother's behavior in these moments. The knowledge that my opinion is valuable and important, and my feelings have a right to exist, or there is only some single supposedly true acceptable model of behavior, thanks to which the "world" (read mom) will accept and love me. I am in a hurry so often. I'm so often uncomfortable. But these are the key moments that give many opportunities, chances - to truly grow, invest, educate. And immediately there is so much appetite for such situations and interest, parental interest, vital interest.

And the second, similar, but on the other side. Thoughts are like night and day. This is the day. I saw today, suddenly realized that my sons are Roy Sergeevich in a couple of decades, a man with his worries, and not a small house, with his projects, not designers, with his life and destiny. Yura saw - a sensitive, rich man in images, colorful, kind, softish. Also, after all, someone working, also having a family of their own. Lukyana saw my uncle:) My gold mine. A balanced, mature, dignified person. And my mother's heart sank for them - not because they feel bad there, in the imaginary future. And because - there - nothing can be radically corrected, well, or the chances will be militarily small, and therefore the whole goal of childhood is not only to educate (trying to track down those attitudes that you create for a person for life), but also to nourish, heat, as we try every year we warm ourselves up to the gut with the sea sun for the whole Moscow year, only we are talking about steeper and more significant scales. For the last about a year, I have been stretching golden-pink threads of love from my here and now, from the adult Maryana to the little girl inside me, living there, crying, shaking, frozen, lost. I tell her: "Maryasha, I grew up, and now I can definitely tell you - the world is kind. Everything can be solved in it, unless it is about life, death and love. People can be trusted. You are valuable. Valuable simply because You are. By the mere fact that you were born and are, that you are a human being, etc., etc. " I dive at different ages, at different traumatic moments and magic reality, stretching a bridge from the future, which is the present, to the past, which, in fact, as perceived by the consciousness, the soul, turns out to be the present. I'm trying to heal. To add what my mother did not add. reshape your family matrix by millimeter. And this is a huge work. And I understand that in parallel. now, I am creating this matrix for my children. And in addition to attitudes towards life there, there is also a general attitude towards oneself and towards the world - exactly that, right in the bull's eye, that the mother forms. And this is fate, in many ways. Most often. if not (just dumb))) - always.

And all this - the described, what I am talking about - is not global, I have not read philosophy and was imbued with it. This is the daily foam of days, everyday little things, this is the most real, the most serious and responsible here and now. If only because you never know at what moment of childhood, maybe, trying to find and regain his happiness, my adult son will turn to comfort the crying himself - in this - so everyday, so supposedly insignificant - here and now.