2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Part 1
Have you ever felt offended that someone did not offer you help? That is, in your picture of the world there were expectations from a specific person, which, according to your ideas, he should have guessed and fulfilled?
Well, for example, you have a difficult life period, you are experiencing difficulties and need specific help - in actions, in funds, or simply in emotional support. You tell this person that you feel bad, and he just listens and does not react in any way.
Or, for example, this person quite often offered his help himself, provided you with support earlier, without your request, like Chip and Dale, rushed to help, but this time he does not offer, does not come and does not give what he gave before …
What were your feelings? I suppose that the first is a feeling of self-pity, and the second is a feeling of anger towards this person. After all, his actions did not coincide with your expectations, according to your ideas, HE SHOULD YOU.
I call this imputed obligation. That obligation, which I impute to myself (as my expectation) and impute to the Other (as his responsibility). But the fact is that this obligation has not been voiced and the Other may not guess about your expectations. Or maybe he can guess, but he expects a direct request from you. Or he can guess, but he cannot or does not want to meet these expectations.
What then happens to you and your contact? Contact is broken because there is no direct interaction, no clarity. This is a common problem in relationships. Answer yourself to the question: how would I feel if I were charged with a sense of duty?
What to do? The obvious answer is to ask directly. Recognize the Other's right to refuse. Seek help elsewhere. And if it's really difficult with this - seek help from a psychotherapist, investigate what stops your direct request, what prevents your openness and ability to interact directly.
Part 2
Is there any dimension to the limits of generosity? When does generosity become a problem? When does it turn into wastefulness or connivance?
Generosity is a virtue associated with the ability to provide selfless help to others, the opposite of stinginess and stinginess. Generosity is often expressed in gifts and is inextricably linked to charity.
But do we always do good by providing help? Are we not allowing other people to take responsibility for their not doing? In their inability or unwillingness to ask and thank? Are we not conniving ourselves in our unwillingness to face our fears (rejection, evaluation, loss of contact with significant people)? Are we wasting our resources in vain? How do you determine the measure of your generosity? rely on your feelings. How am I feeling generous? Out of fear or out of love? How do I feel after an act of my generosity? Am I filled with joy or irritation and anger? Am I feeling drained? What values and beliefs do I rely on in my generosity?
Answering these questions will help you move closer to your own measure of generosity. And there cannot be a universal size. Everyone has their own, and can change depending on the situation. And in this matter, it should be remembered that generosity without love is waste.
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