Obsessive Desire To Please

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

One of the most important human needs is the need for approval and acceptance. For normal interaction with other people, a person living in society must adhere to such norms and rules in their behavior that, to one degree or another, would lead to the satisfaction of the need to be accepted.

But sometimes the need for acceptance and approval takes on an exaggerated form, and becomes obsessive, primarily for the person himself. With a possible variety of options for responding to various social situations, a person responds inflexiblely to them with a certain line of behavior aimed at social reward. In this case, another form of the behavioral style of response is either not considered or is not allowed.

Let's look at 2 examples:

Defensive behavior

The desire to please arises as an adaptive behavioral tactic. It can be expressed in varying degrees of conformity, exceptional politeness, benevolence to the detriment of their interests.

In the process of interaction, a person anticipates the reaction of others and makes decisions based on social attractiveness. At the same time, subjectively, the possible choice is seen in two extremes - to be rejected or to be unambiguously accepted.

2. Behavior as a way to attract attention.

The guy liked the girl. The guy prefers the tactics of attracting attention to active actions for rapprochement. Instead of coming up and starting to communicate, the guy resorts to other methods. For example, he has the belief that girls like him when he makes the scowl of an independent, brutal alpha male. It immediately changes in the face and a crease is cut between the eyebrows. He becomes harsh in movements and speech, striving to conform to the model that girls should (according to his convictions) like. Naturally, this behavior is not effective for communication and creates intrapersonal conflicts. Reliance on internal standards (without receiving feedback from the person you like), inability to receive feedback (due to anxiety seizure to be rejected), a narrow view of the choice of behavior (due to anxiety) leads to rigidity in behavior. In this case, the initiative for rapprochement is shifted to another person.

So, these behaviors are based on anxiety.

The obsessive desire to please arises where there is a risk of social rejection. And the intolerance of the anxiety of being rejected makes this behavior justified and rigidly determined.