Please, No Sex

Video: Please, No Sex

Video: Please, No Sex
Video: Valerie Leon No Sex Please We're British 02 2024, March
Please, No Sex
Please, No Sex
Anonim

I often work with requests from women and girls regarding lack of attraction to a partner / husband. Someone's interest in intimacy and the loss of freshness in an intimate relationship comes in the second year of the relationship, for someone after 5-7 years of relationship or marriage. But this does not change the essence. This article is a reflection on why passion is leaving a relationship and what to do about it.

Here are some situations: “My husband and I have been married for 5 years and intimacy has become for me akin to an act of violence against myself, I cannot relax”, “I very rarely want intimacy with my husband, but he requires more”, “Why study sex, when everything is banal and you already know what will happen, and if you know, then why start? " He does everything somehow wrong, rudely, sometimes it tickles, that all desire disappears "," Just the thought that he will ask me about it, my head starts to ache … "," I don't want any sex at all, but at the same time I understand that my man suffers from this "," How can he be always ready ??? "…

Dissatisfaction with the intimate life of men can be of three types: few (not enough in quantity), no variety and not this waywhen a partner does something that the man does not really like, or vice versa, the man asks her to do something, but she is shy, refuses.

But today we will talk in more detail about the lack of desire in women. Everything is more complicated here. I am often asked: is it possible, being in a marriage burdened with children and everyday life, to preserve passion? Will a lack of intimacy in a relationship lead to divorce? How to want a partner again?

In order to answer these questions, let us compare the relationship of a man and a woman with a garden, where each of the partners is a gardener. The relationship itself is a garden. Everyone knows what happens to a garden that has been abandoned: it is overgrown with weeds, the plants are eaten by insects. The appearance of such a garden is depressing, and the thought of tidying it up is daunting. Some run away from such a garden and want to cultivate a new garden. This garden needs attention and care. But not an obsession. An experienced gardener knows that some plant seeds will take root, some will not, that the weather is different - both heat and rain can affect this garden, that insects are inevitable. And you have to take care of this place with varying intensity: sometimes you take care of the garden for hours, weed weeds and work, work, and at other times you can relax, enjoying the beautiful flowers and well-groomed plants.

Why am I using the garden analogy? Intimate relationships also require careful care. D. Gray, author of the bestselling book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, writes in his book Man and Woman in the Bedroom: “As a man without sex loses contact with feelings, a woman without loving support loses contact with sexual desire. Everyday worries easily take over the deep demands of the mind and body. The stronger the pressure of circumstances, the harder it is for her to relax and enjoy the simple joys of life. A caring and empathetic partner enables his girlfriend to feel herself again. Freed from eternal concern for others, she remembers her own needs, responds to them. It speaks of mutual concern and consideration for each other, just as a gardener takes care of his garden.

But a woman at this point, a point to feel herself, her desires and needs, may face such a problem: the fear of her fantasies, her childhood traumas, the constraint of her appearance, body, so the support of her partner is necessary in this step towards herself.

Women (and men too) do not allow themselves a lot, they do not forgive themselves a lot. They know their body so little that they do not allow themselves to study it, and are afraid to find out what they can intimate. They are afraid that they will be exposed in "obscenity", they are afraid that the partner will refuse to fulfill their wishes or are afraid of criticism and condemnation … and therefore are silent. Silence in a relationship alienates them from their partner, the last attempt to return passion to the relationship and to do as "I want it" leads to failure. And then comes feelings of guilt and shame in relationships, which are very difficult to experience.

There can be many reasons for the lack of desires. I will not list them, but I would like to dwell on some points in more detail. It's about intimacy, which is an obstacle to erotic desire. Passion takes a certain distance. It's hard to want something if you already have it. And this is the task for therapy - to see a woman her partner as different from her, with her desires, interests, to learn to pay attention to those moments in which a man is focused on something of his own, and not on a partner or household chores.

The second task in therapy (but also suitable as homework) is to restore the picture of the fading of desire. That is, remember at what moments this desire began to disappear, what was happening then in the relationship. Are there any grievances, unfinished conflicts with your partner? What expectations did not come true? What did your partner do wrong, what did he say that was unpleasant? This task also includes "working through" feelings in relation to the partner and the completion of "unfinished situations".

The third task in therapy is a woman's exploration of her desires and needs. Here she realizes that whatever her fantasies are, all this is acceptable and correct. This also includes accepting oneself as a woman, accepting one's body, appearance. If necessary, work with body clamps, installations, childhood traumas that impede the disclosure of sexuality is connected.

The fourth challenge in therapy is to learn to discuss your desires with your partner. What does a woman want and what does she lack? How can a man give it to her? At this stage, a woman prepares herself for a conversation with a partner about her fantasies and needs.

And finally, the fifth, but no less important, task is to restore the balance of intimacy in the relationship. What does it mean? Often, in a couple, one person takes on the role of the one who “always needs sex”, while the other gets the role “I am not interested in sex at all and do not need it”. It is important for a woman and a man in a couple to feel this feeling of closeness, that you have been heard in your needs, that the partner is ready to fulfill your requests (namely, mutual, and not coming only from a woman or only from a man), that partners are ready BOTH to work on these relationships in the direction of restoration of intimacy, disclosure of sexuality.

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