It Makes No Sense To Listen To A Child, His Desires Change Every Day

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I spoke with a mother today. She reasoned what could be better for the child, and wondered whether it was worth transferring her son from one circle to another, asked for advice.

I suggested asking what the child himself wants. Mom replied that it was pointless, he is small, desires change every day, so you cannot be guided by them - an adult must make decisions for the baby.

Here I honestly hung out for a while. Because mother's words have logic and meaning. Indeed, until the child comes of age, most of the important decisions for him are made by the parents: which kindergarten to give, which school to study, where to send to rest, what abilities to develop. And shifting this responsibility onto a child is strange.

But what to do with his desires? And how can a parent make decisions about what to focus on when making a choice, if the child's desires are so changeable? There are several ways.

1. The parent plans the fate of the child solely from their own considerations, just by right, smarter, more mature and experienced.

For example, my mother believes that her daughter must be fluent in English, because this will help her in the future to get a job abroad and successfully marry the heir to Mark Zuckerberg. Mom gets angry at the whims and tears of her five-year-old daughter before each lesson with a tutor, perceives them as laziness and disobedience. It's just that the baby does not yet understand that this is being done for her own good. Then he will kiss the mother's hands, for not letting go for a walk until he memorizes the irregular verbs.

If you look into the future, then in 15 years this girl will hardly understand what she wants, what she likes. At best, she will wait without initiative for instructions from her mother, husband, boss, what to do, at worst - to protest and sabotage any offer to do business.

2. The parent constantly asks the child what he wants and follows exclusively the child's impulses

Today the child wanted to paint like Disney - he was sent to a creative workshop. Seen enough of the little ninja turtles' son - recorded in karate. Lost in competitions, it is a shame to appear in front of the guys - they stopped taking them to the club, there is nothing to injure the child. Here the parent does not oppose the child's wishes at all, does not influence him in any way, gives complete freedom. Probably, the child will grow up self-sufficient, because mom and dad did not infringe on him in any way.

Whatever it is. Most likely, an impulsive guy will grow up, who leaves institutes after the first semester, takes on an important project and then does not answer calls, falls into a state of passion because his order was mixed up in Shokoladnitsa.

3. The parent is interested in the child's wishes, listens to them and makes decisions based on common sense

What do I call common sense? On the one hand, to hear and respect the wishes of the baby, on the other, to regulate them according to the situation, and thereby show the model that the child will begin to reproduce in his adult life.

I'll take an example from English. If a five-year-old child does not want to learn the language, it is difficult for him and only causes scandals in the family, maybe it is worth asking the question, who needs the language more: daughter or mother? What terrible thing will happen if your daughter does not speak English at the age of five? What is more important for mom: cherishing plans that her child will become Mrs. Zuckerberg, or the peace of mind of the child and peace in the family? And if the daughter does not start working in America, but leaves for Siberia and marries a Chukchi, then what?

And here is another example, with the karate section. The son gladly went there for several months, and as soon as he lost in the competition, he cries and refuses. You can assume and ask the child what has changed. Maybe it hurts him to feel defeated, maybe another boy called him a loser and a weakling. Then the parent's task is not to support the momentary desire to quit sports, but to help the child survive disappointment, resentment, and the collapse of hopes. This skill will be useful in the future, it will teach you to cope with failures, correlate your desires and opportunities. And it does not appear by itself - only an adult can teach a child such a model of behavior.

This way of dealing with the child's desires is not as simple as it might seem at first glance. Sometimes parents, who themselves have difficulties with understanding and regulating their desires, may experience difficulties with children's wishes. Most often, these are two models of behavior described above: orientation only to benefit, reason and purposefulness, or only to feelings and momentary desires. Both are extremes, as a rule, divorced from the context of the situation.

In this case, it makes sense for an adult to deal with himself first, perhaps with the help of a psychologist. When a parent freely finds a balance between "must" and "want" in his life, then there are no special difficulties with children in this matter.