Stick, Carrot And Common Sense: I Want To Change The Child. How?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-15 16:05

What do psychologists who work with parenting requests, and me in particular, face?

Very often, with the fact that the parent (most often the mother) seeks and expects from the specialist simple answers and solutions to his question.

And, faced with their absence and a proposal to turn to other processes:

- to understand the reasons for what is happening;

- consider various options for solutions;

- changing your own behavior patterns, habitual reactions, and approaches to raising a child

disappointed and leaves, preferring to act in the old way.

I will try here, using examples of the most common parental queries, to offer a different view of the processes taking place.

And to encourage parents not to look for a button "how to turn on or off" the desired option, but to revise their own perception of the child, change the system of relations and interaction within the family, revise their own beliefs, the need to check the relevance and effectiveness of parenting models.

Request # 1

"How to motivate a child to learn?"

What does the parent see?

That the child does not want to do homework. Or go to school. Gets bad grades. Or is constantly faced with a negative assessment of the child by teachers:

does not try, is distracted, does not complete tasks, hovers in the clouds, etc.

Everything is amicable - both parents and teachers label it "unwillingness to learn" or "lack of motivation."

Natural and logical in this interpretation of the situation is the task - "to motivate him to study."

How to make the child learn and want to learn?

A parent asks himself a question, and begins to act. What is most often in the parent's arsenal to solve this "problem"?

In the course are: punishments, admonitions, attempts to "motivate" with money, gifts, privileges, etc. One hundred arguments on the topic "why it is important and what kind of janitor he will be if he does not study" and other attempts to IMPACT on the child and appeals to conscience, logic, to reason and feelings - fear, guilt, shame.

Why doesn't it work?

(does it work for the time being)

In order to answer the question "how to make the child learn?", One must ask the question why he does not learn?

Can't or doesn't want to?

Not able to perceive and process information as quickly as classmates? Loses interest if not achieving quick results? Not able to concentrate and make volitional efforts for a long time?

It is impossible to find a solution to a problem without knowing its conditions

A child may not "learn" for many, many reasons:

He may be uncomfortable in this environment

He may have problems with classmates and teachers, feel like a failure, worry, fear a negative assessment of himself, have a fear of mistakes, assessments. May have chronic stress from interacting with this environment. When all the energy is spent on coping with inner experiences, when the inner "I" is forced to survive in an unfavorable environment - before learning?

From the practice of communicating with children (separately from the parents), I can say unequivocally: in 85% of the parents about these experiences of the child do not know and have no idea. But, at the same time, they are absolutely sure that they know EVERYTHING about the child, and that

he tells us everything, shares everything

More often than not, the child tells and shows a "picture" of what the parents want to see, know and hear (on which they calm down).

Why the child does not speak - these are separate reasons for research, but as an example: he does not trust, he fears a reaction of rejection, inquiring, parental anxiety and worries, devaluation of his problems and ready-made but unacceptable solutions for him: forget, score, ignore, get together and pull yourself together, etc.

He may not really be interested in studying in the system that is offered to him!

Well, that is, the child is emotionally safe, and there is a desire for knowledge, and there is more than enough internal motivation for learning, but!

He is not interested in how, how he is instructed to "learn and develop." He intuitively feels the old-fashioned and callousness of the system in which he is forced to be. It does not meet his individual internal needs for cognition of the world, development and presentation of himself, his own "I", talents and potential.

In this system, they are not noticed, are not evaluated, and, frankly, are not welcomed.

A child, at war with the system, is forced to react either with an explicit open rebellion, or with a hidden one - boredom and apathy. That is interpreted by teachers and parents as "can, but does not want to."

Learning motivation may not really be there

That is, there are no internal and external motives that induce interest and effort in the learning process.

Internal motives are cognitive interest, curiosity, the desire to learn new things.

External motives - the desire for achievements, the desire to express oneself and receive a positive assessment of one's own efforts, to gain approval, etc. motives of a social orientation.

Ideally, when internal motives for learning activities are combined with external ones: firstly, I am interested. And secondly, it is also important for me to feel successful: to compete, achieve, overcome, try my hand and see the result.

As for intrinsic motivation - the desire for knowledge. I am convinced that it does not need to be somehow artificially or additionally formed. It is important not to crush him in the bud.

Cognitive activity is an innate, instinctive form of behavior of a living being. Curiosity is the key to survival and development.

Look at a small child, up to three years old. This is one sheer curiosity. It behaves like a perpetual and indefatigable engine aimed at exploring the world around us! He is interested in everything!

Where, how, at what moment and as a result of what influence this fountain of interest, curiosity and desire for knowledge was blocked - a question for research.

My hypotheses, based on the analysis of the behavior and stories of the parents, are often the result of suppressing the initiative: do not climb, do not touch, do not take, leave behind, close, do not take, sit down and sit, do not ask stupid questions, etc. You can suppress a child's initiative in different ways: own anxiety, tight control, devaluation.

The impulse of activity and initiative is interrupted, chokes in the bud. So, by the age of three, the child ceases to show interest in the new, loses it. And why should he, this interest, if the initiative is punishable and suppressed?

Reflections on external motives lead to the following:

Study is primarily an activity. Learning (like any) activity is governed by two main motives: achieving success or avoiding failure.

Activities aimed at achieving success are manifested by activity and initiative.

The motive for avoiding failure is realized by passivity, withdrawal, refusal from this activity.

Which of the motives of activity will regulate the educational one depends on what kind of experience the child received before entering school.

If a mistake is punishable, the child receives a devaluation for the slightest mistake, when achievements are not noticed, and failures are brightly and emotionally colored with guilt, shame and fear - to strive for achievements, which means that it is simply unsafe to show initiative, activity, efforts and interest. It is safer to become invisible, inconspicuous, sit out, leave the room. Maybe they won't see, they won't notice, they won't ask.

By the beginning of admission to school, all the makings of motivations of certain directions have already been formed.

Learning problems can have medical roots, affecting the processes: memory, thinking, attention, perception, characteristics of the emotional-volitional and behavioral sphere

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a child's “failure” to be associated with rather serious physiological aspects.

"Failure" is labeled as "unwillingness", which is a serious mistake.

When a child is persistently unsuccessful in educational activities, it is not superfluous (and sometimes the primary task) to visit such specialists as: a neurologist, psychiatrist, neuropsychologist, speech therapist, endocrinologist.

So, "how to motivate a child to learn" is not a request that can help correct an already existing situation.

How is it possible and important to act in this case?

Investigate the causes and try to eliminate them

Consider your own contribution to the process of forming motives, will, needs and other aspects related to educational activities. Work on mistakes if possible, or stop fighting windmills if sensitive periods for developing the necessary skills for successful learning are irretrievably missed, focus and do not miss other important tasks of the age at which the child is

Analyze the emotional safety and well-being of the family and school environment

An individual approach, in each specific case, will allow you to approach this issue flexibly and comprehensively. And, perhaps, he is able to save the family - from a family symptom called "he has problems with his studies",

and the child - from the need to survive on this battlefield every day, to defend and consolidate ways to cope with their own failure, the nagging of teachers and parents who have joined this system.

Request # 2

"Dependence on a computer, phone, tablet"

It is not difficult to guess what is the most effective in the usual arsenal of parental influence to combat this phenomenon.

Deny. Take away. Deprive. Which is naturally a beneficial and chronic ground for struggle, confrontation, endless conflicts on this basis.

When faced with this problem in their family, it is important for parents to answer several questions:

1. What specifically worries you about this? Where do you see "evil"?
2. Do you know what exactly your child is doing when "on the phone?"
3. Do you have an alternative to what to offer your child instead of "sitting on the phone?"

It is impossible to take something without offering anything in return

Especially if you do not know what he is doing there and why he prefers this way of spending time.

Parents formulate their anxiety as "fear of addiction" to gadgets.

If one of the differential criteria of addictive behavior really takes place - turning to a gadget as the only way to cope with stress, get satisfaction, avoid unpleasant experiences, cope with difficulties and move away from problems into virtual reality, then the ban will certainly not solve any problems. In the worst case, in the absence of one available object of addiction, the child will be forced to look for another (alcohol, drugs, food). After all, the method, the mechanism of responding to circumstances that are insurmountable for oneself, has already formed into a stable pattern.

At the same time, one must understand that not always what worries parents is addiction. And, no matter how strange it may sound, it is an absolutely normative phenomenon of the use of modern technologies and capabilities.

Children of today are children of the digital generation. They were born in the era of the formation and active development of this progress and did not know another world.

The basis of parents' concern in this context is misunderstanding and rejection of the capabilities of modern technologies, comparison with themselves and their own ways of communicating, obtaining information, and spending time.

"We walked, talked personally, read books"

and other examples, for people of the older generation, are a sufficient argument in favor of the "incorrectness" and uselessness of alternative methods and possibilities.

It is difficult for parents to come to terms with the fact that "sitting on the phone" and "sticking into a gadget" can be an effective way to fulfill many of the child's needs: in communication, cognition, and self-realization.

What parents, as an adult generation, consider a disadvantage and degradation - for modern children is seen as an expansion of their capabilities.

Yes, gadgets today perform many functions. First of all, as a means of communication. The fact that communication smoothly flowed into the network, messengers and video chat is a fact.

We, the previous generation, in our personal communication, were often limited to a certain circle, a number of existing people: classmates and neighbors in the yard.

Modern children can communicate, bypassing space and time, choosing interlocutors and friends not on a territorial basis, but on the basis of common interests. In their own pocket they carry the opportunity to be in touch at all times, not to lose a significant environment when moving, and many other opportunities.

With the advent of technologies and their active implementation in life, the way of receiving and processing information is changing. Also, what has become obvious lately - the channels of her perception have changed: watching a video is easier than reading a book, yes.

But, it should also be noted that the speed of processing and analysis of incoming information, the number of stimuli involved (a combination of visual and auditory), a high degree of switchability and a greater amount of information, requires other qualities, abilities, and competencies from modern children. In what they are improving. Both consciously and intuitively, understanding the need to master modern means and methods to perfection: to communicate, work, study, sell, buy and everything that has "moved" to the network and digital.

I know a sufficient number of teenagers who are "constantly sitting on the phone" according to the alarming statement of their parents:

They are subscribed to content that interests them and have stable interests in this direction (often depreciated by their parents!).

They have their own YouTube channels with several thousand subscribers, which already allows these children to have their own stable income.

They learn how to process photos, create videos, and many useful applications.

They observe people interesting to them, bloggers. They watch a lot of interesting things for themselves, including a training video.

They have their own blogs.

They master the technologies of creating their own interesting content, its design and promotion.

And so on, so on …

At the same time, parents, having their own idea of / u200b / u200bthe

"this is nonsense, it would be better if I got busy",

they are simply not interested in what the child is passionate about.

Accordingly, they do not have the opportunity to support him in this, to guide him, to become a friend and mentor to him on this basis. Quite the opposite - not really understanding what is happening, they have to enter into endless skirmishes with the child, making the "gadget" a battlefield. This, quite naturally, does not strengthen intimacy and emotional connection with the child, or even thoroughly destroys it.

Also, "sitting on the phone" can really be a way to relax, unload, and entertain yourself.

Well, the child should have the time and opportunity to do nothing! And this is his business, than he entertains himself in the process of "doing nothing".

This is where I usually run into parental resistance and anxiety:

"how to do nothing?"

Indeed, in parental reality, a child should only do useful things around the clock. Otherwise, if he is allowed to do nothing, he will simply lie down on the sofa and lie there. Not doing useful things. Never.

In fact, the lack of a legal opportunity to have a rest, to unload something useful without doing anything - leads to illegal ones. You can get sick for example. Procrastinate. Postpone or "forget" important things.

The ability to do nothing without fear of punishment, shame, accusations and silent reproaches is necessary for a child like air. At this time, he is recovering.

Has the ability to leisurely scroll through the events of the day in your head. Play internal dialogues, comprehend your own behavior. To dream up, to dream.

The child should be able to live his own inner life

Unfortunately, parents often do not give this opportunity. From their own anxiety, ambitions and illusory ideas that the child should always be busy. A lot and useful.

Otherwise - prison, soum, public censure.

So what conclusions can be drawn about gadget issues?

First, it is important to understand, to find out what the child is doing there:

communicates?

has a stable, but not understandable by parents, and therefore devalued interest?

thus resting?

- uses a gadget as a way to cope with stress, difficulties, escape from reality?

If a child uses a gadget as the main means of communication, relaxation, or has a strong interest, the parent can ask himself the following questions:

-What is my concern?

-Is it worth the constant conflicts on this basis and my nerves?

- What can I do other than worry and prohibit?

Is it possible, through his own sincere interest in what the child is doing and is interested in, to establish contact, intimacy. Through the ability to share information - search for and recommend more interesting and safer content, offer support

To realize your influence not through denial and prohibitions, encountering the child's resistance, but through joining and accepting his interests

If you think carefully, reflect and try to overestimate your own attitude to modern technologies, you can see them not as "universal evil" but as opportunities for learning and development. Well, and accept the possibility of this way of communication, entertainment, pleasure and relaxation too

More useful than a ban is to ask a child what is so amusing he is "doing on this phone"? And, without struggling with it, try to join it. …

In this case, it is quite possible that some of the worries will go away by themselves

If there is a "withdrawal to gadgets" as a way to cope with reality - prohibitive measures and endless struggle will only aggravate the situation

Banning a gadget does not eliminate addiction to it

In this case, it is necessary to understand the causes of addictive behavior and seriously work to eliminate them

Request No. 3

"How can I tell him?"

There is a lot to convey to the parent to the child:

How to behave correctly, how to respond to peer harassment, how to manage your belongings, where and how to spend pocket money correctly.

That sitting at the computer is harmful, that it is necessary to study, that it is stupid to hate your body, that the child is really beautiful and you don’t need to listen to others, and much, much, much more.

To convey, to convince, to explain is one of the main "tools" for influencing a civilized child, and at the same time one of the parent's greatest illusions that this is possible.

The most important misconception is that through this "convey" all problems are solved:

"here I will finally explain, he will understand and immediately change in the direction in which I incline him."

All attempts to do this for the most part do not lead to anything, and the parent comes exhausted, disappointed. With the question "how else to convey to him" and why it does not work.

After all, the arguments are iron. Logical and correct. From a parent's point of view.

It is worth stopping at this point and asking yourself a question: what am I really trying to "convey"?

To convey to him "the right way."

How is it right for whom? Is the child right? To what extent does the parent know and take into account the context of the situation at this moment? Feelings and needs of the child, his fears, his capabilities and limitations, which do not allow to listen and implement the iron arguments of an all-knowing adult.

"I know how it will end. I want the best. I went through all this."

- we want to protect the child from our own mistakes and try to "convey" our own experience.

The question is - does the child need him? Are you confident in the impeccability and usefulness of your experience, worldview, values?

Wishing to convey to the child important and valuable information "how to live", we try to convince him that our thoughts, experience, priorities, understanding of situations, life position are correct.

We have the same experience! But he doesn't. He is small, does not know life and does not understand anything in it. But we understand. And we strive to prove it to him, citing the most lethal arguments.

We talk, prove, argue, inspire, swear, get angry that we don't understand.

But, most importantly, we rarely show!

What is the main illusion of the "opportunity to convey" to the child the correct position in life is that the parents are trying to CARRY OUT THIS TEXT! In words. Which turn in the child's perception into one continuous notation.

Have you ever been lectured? How do you like it? Do you want to immediately understand everything and fix it?

The child receives information about the world around him and the phenomena in it that do not originate from the texts of moral teachers. And from the whole life context that surrounds him:

How the parents relate to him;

How they relate to each other and to all other people;

How adults act in certain situations;

How do they cope with difficulties, what resources, mechanisms, behavior they use for this.

The child does not get information from what he is told. And from their feelings and sensations. From what he sees and understands. And, drawing his conclusions from these observations, he develops his own ways of reactions and behavior, his own unique models of thinking, feeling, living, adapting, coping.

Everything that the parent wants and seeks to "correct" in the child, that does not accept it in him - is the result of his own, the parent's influence.

Forming in this environment, seeing, hearing, feeling, sensitively capturing everything that happens in the family - the child received those opportunities, resources, models and tools for their implementation that he uses. So annoying this to the parents.

It's hard for him, child

"always defend your point of view, have your own opinion and do not follow the crowd"

if his opinions, desires and needs were never taken into account in the family.

Impossible

"not to be a mumble and to fight back offenders"

if he was not defended, he was not shown an algorithm of how and in what ways, this is repulsed.

Impossible task

"start to be independent and take responsibility"

if they never gave it to you, they thought for you, decided for you, wanted for you. Up to 15 years old. And then they suddenly said -

you are already an adult, you must yourself."

They said that. But they didn't teach me how. No tools, experience, or examples were given. They themselves did it differently. But now they demand from the child that he was the way they want to see him. From my own understanding of "correctness" and normativity.

It doesn't work that way. And it will not work.

The unrealizable task of "conveying" to the child what he needs to be without giving his own example, without having lived with him many algorithms for solving a huge number of life situations, passing this algorithm to him.

It is unlikely that reading good literature will become the value of a child if he has never seen his parents reading. And "convey" that it is needed, because (quote):

"whoever reads will control those who watch TV"

will not work!

If a child sees parents who are dissatisfied with the state and work and always complain about the disorder, it is unlikely that he will be able to "convey" about the need for higher education. After all, the parents have it.

It will not be possible to "convey" in words that he, the child, is loved and respected if he receives every day a set of other, very contradictory messages.

The only thing that parents are trying to "convey" to the child the whole truth of life is his persistent resistance.

The child receives the message - "you are not what we need. You do, think, feel wrong."

Listen to yourself. Do you want, in response to such a message, to become correct? Get better? Change to please others?

What should parents do in this case?

Analyze and critically rethink your own beliefs and motives, regarding "why it is important for me to convey to the child what I want to convey to him." Consider this issue in terms of expended emotional resources and consequences. If for the desire to convey to the child the thesis

they hurt you, but don't pay attention

there is his own anxiety and fear for him, do we not deprive the child of the opportunity to face different models of behavior and the ability to choose the most adequate of them in each individual case, and not to use one model, which is not always effective? Maybe it makes sense to deal with your anxiety? And not to force the child to serve her, trying to make him comfortable for this

If, behind the desire to convince the child of the importance

apply only to medical

there is his own, often illusory idea that a diploma guarantees him stability and social success, does not the child lose the opportunity for his own choice, the realization of his own plans, interests and potential?

To see how this desire to "convey and persuade" affects the relationship with the child? A family for a child is an island of safety, where do the strength and resources for achievement come from? Or is the relationship like an endless battlefield, where these resources flow like water through your fingers?

Having coped with their own anxiety, give the child the opportunity to be himself: without spending resources on resisting outside influence and without trying to become someone else, those who are liked by the parents

Give up lectures and lectures on the topic "what is important, necessary and right." And to create a real environment for the development and emergence of the desired qualities

All of the above does not in any way deny the problematic aspects in the process of raising a child. But he offers to look at them deeper. Expand the scope of ways to solve existing problems and shift the perspective - from influencing the child in order to change him, to transforming the entire system of existing relationships, rules, communications and the atmosphere in which the child is brought up.