Die, But Reach! Psychology Of Personality

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

Today you have not done a dozen things or at least one useful one, which means that the day was wasted! Do you know this feeling?

Such a neurotic assessment of the personality of oneself is characteristic of those people whose self-esteem directly depends on the results achieved (What did I do, and did my actions benefit others?). There are different opinions - a person can “sit on his butt evenly” and just tell himself that he is an amazing person in himself; on the other hand, if a person does not know how to do anything in this life, he is useless for society. However, in the context of the problem, you experience neurosis every day - every day you are eaten by a feeling of anxiety, tormented by guilt, a feeling of shame for yourself extinguished, but not consciously conscious of the psyche, if you did not complete the planned tasks, did not do something useful (another option is that you do not did more to do than you had on the list). Moreover, you are sure that you should have become a millionaire long ago, own a huge corporation, but … today you have done nothing or have done too little. The belief “too little” is so ingrained in your mind that even after completing a dozen tasks, you are confident that you are doing little. As a result, this leads to the fact that the person falls exhausted for several days, or psychosomatics works. In the most difficult situations, this is psychosomatics, which "throws" you out of your life for a while (high fever, illness, etc.). Relatively speaking, you yourself are no longer able to stop yourself (otherwise you will feel bad, unloved, rejected, did not fulfill your obligations and promises, did not meet someone's expectations, etc.), so your body begins to act.

What are the reasons for the occurrence of such a neurosis?

1. Typically, these are narcissistic parents who constantly expect something from their children. Expectations may not be expressed aloud, non-verbal (in this case, the situation is quite complicated, since it is difficult to understand the root of the problem, to “catch” the voice that is now speaking in your head and sounds like your thoughts and voice). Initially, this voice belonged to a person close to you in childhood - mother, father, grandmother, grandfather (often these are the closest people, but there may be teachers). In therapy, a person first recalls the institute, then the school, and then the early situations associated with the parents). As a rule, everything is transmitted into our consciousness from the age of 3, and sometimes even in the womb. How does this happen? The child has not yet been born, and the parents are already imposing their dreams and expectations on him (so that she is beautiful, smart; so that he becomes a lawyer or doctor, etc.). Often parental expectations may not be associated with some insane success in life (for example, the parents did not succeed in something in life, and they “shift” their desires onto the child - they did not finish music school, did not receive a gold medal at school, did not get a red diploma). As a result, parents are ready to give almost everything so that their child achieves the results that they themselves dreamed of. This is what will be felt every day as a neurosis. Imagine the level of increasing tension - from day to day they do not verbally make you understand or repeat “you must, you must, you must” (you must learn better, even better, even better). With such pressure, you can literally go crazy, and our psyche often cannot withstand this stress. As a result, a person can go into psychosomatics or denial, but often in adulthood, he also continues to experience constant and unbearable stress. The opposite situation also happens - there is practically no tension, but psychologically it is even more difficult for you (relatively speaking, you know that now your mother will burst into the room and begin to check the lessons, the diary, completed and unfulfilled tasks).
2. The man grew up in an alcoholic family. In such cases, responsibility is increased by default - you had to control everyone, save everyone, help everyone, because those around you hoped for some action on your part. Much depended on you (at least, you were firmly convinced of this).

3. One of the parents pulled the whole family on himself, worked hard and tried to make a big contribution to the development of the child (accordingly, the baby, on a subconscious level, felt the unhappiness of his parent - usually mom or dad - and tried to protect him). It is against this background that a neurosis of guilt towards the mother (father) is formed, and this situation as a whole is quite complex and extraordinary. Often, the parent really cherishes the hope that the child will grow up and return everything that was invested in him (for example, improve the life of the parents, pull them out of the bottom, etc.). However, in most cases, this is just my own neurosis of guilt - "I could not / could not make my mother happier, which means that all my life I will try to do everything better, better, better!"
4. Comparison of a child with someone in childhood (for example, "Masha is a good student, Petya is so neat, look how great everything is with Vasya, but you are such a slovenly ignorant"). Such an emphasis on the fact that some child is better, and forms a neurosis (you need to do more and better), but no matter how much I do, nothing will be appreciated. The most insidious trap of this neurosis at the moment is that there is no way you can get satisfaction (nothing and no one makes you feel better). You cannot get enough of your successes and achievements, results and, accordingly, devalue everything. Conventionally, the transfer that began with your parents still continues inside your consciousness (this is a kind of play with internal objects - you punish yourself, then you regret, but in the end you constantly experience torment, being between two extremes).

What to do and how to get out of this neurosis?

1. Learn to compare yourself today with yourself in the past (for example, a year ago). Know how to find the moments in which you became better, figure out what exactly you have become better and enjoy it.
2. Learn to acknowledge, accept and appropriate your successes (“I'm great!”).
3. Understand your desires, find out what exactly you want to get from the situation, person, life in general, and go step by step purposefully towards the task at hand. You will definitely be able to do this only due to the fact that you will support yourself (“I am great, I did this and this today, I became one step closer to what I wanted”). If you learn to track, to appropriate these small successes, you will not compare yourself with the best, eminent and famous, this will greatly help you to relieve tension in the zone of underestimation of yourself.
4. Love yourself just like that. How do you learn to do this? Inside ourselves, we also continue to rely on and look around at our parents, respectively, you need to understand, feel, acknowledge and believe that your parents, objects of affection, loved ones are really important to you (regardless of your age!). For each of us, relationships with loved ones are important. No one wants my mother to turn away and say hurtful words (“You’re a fool, I won’t talk to you!”, “How long have you lived, I don't even want to answer your calls!” Etc.) For the psyche, such statements will become the strongest trauma, trauma of rejection and even retrauma (as a rule, parents really rejected the child in childhood, if he did not meet their expectations, did not do what they wanted to see - they stopped any communication with the child, some kind of manipulation was the fault, etc.). Accordingly, a person will be afraid of a repetition of such a situation, forgetting that he is no longer dependent on his parents. So, you need to believe that you will be loved, you will not be turned away, even if you follow your path of desires. That is why it is important to be able to understand your desires, to learn how to voice them in the correct and beautiful way (“Mom, I really want this! I see perspective and growth for myself, I like it, I get incredible satisfaction. Do you want me to be happy? Or do you want it to be your way?”All these are important points, and it is imperative to talk them over with the parents - if mom and dad see their child's happiness, they will agree with the path he has chosen. family that you had every right to make a mistake. Love yourself and believe that you, too, will be loved!
5. Internal separation from parents does not mean that you need to stop communicating with loved ones, you need to learn to live your own life, away from their beliefs and opinions.
6. Take my training "Apni self-esteem". You will work out all the nuances of separation, your own desires, learn to follow your own path, not look around at someone else's opinion, get the desired support from your parents. If you do not allow yourself to form your self-esteem, regardless of any deeds and tasks, neurosis will only intensify over time and exacerbate the problems in your life, which ultimately transform into psychosomatics.