2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“I had many partners. I want a family so much, but from time to time nothing works out. What's wrong with me? - clients often contact me with such a request, trying to find a solution to this problem. For a deep understanding of the situation, I propose to look at the stages of forming a healthy relationship and pay attention to their sequence.
1) Monad (from Latin mono - 1)
Separation, separation and again separation. To build those relationships that are right for you, you need to know and understand what you personally need from your raging partner. The situation when a guy / girl lives with his parents, and then marries / gets married and moves from one family to another is quite common. ⠀
If separation, that is, separation from parents, does not occur completely in the relationship with the family, there is a high probability that the personality will come from one dependent relationship to another. Emotional, financial, psychological dependence on parents has a significant impact on how in the future a person builds his relationship with the world around him and his partner.
A period of independent life is required for complete separation from parents. ⠀
This period is needed in order to: ⠀
☀ fully understand and realize YOUR needs
☀ face difficulties that will have to be solved YOURSELF
☀ financially and emotionally free from parents, otherwise the transition from dependent parent-child relationships to dependent partnerships is quite possible.
With a high probability, the boy / girl will find a soul mate who, like a puzzle, will fit his model of addictive behavior, serving basic needs, thereby repeating the dependent model of behavior in the family. But if such a model is acceptable in the family: while the child is growing, he is dependent on his parents, then the position of an adult partner does not imply such dependence and is not a healthy part of the relationship. ⠀
I am not campaigning for leaving my parents if there is no such opportunity now. But it is important to understand and realize: as long as there is dependence, there are levers of influence.
2) Choosing a partner:
During this period, it is important and necessary to meet with different partners, determining what you really need and it is important to see in a partner. Somewhere you will have to face the parental model of relationships, and where you will see your own values in the relationship. And then the choice will occur quite organically, and not through the search for a dependent-codependent partner.
This stage makes it possible to understand more about what exactly you need from the person with whom you are ready to go through life, and what is dictated by morality, culture, family and the immediate environment. Something you can organically appropriate for yourself, and something you can throw overboard as unnecessary ballast.
It is important to pay attention to social stereotypes and norms of behavior when a guy or a girl is called walking. Psychology is quite friendly in this sense. At the stage of choosing a partner, it is normal to meet and listen to yourself, to your feelings and needs.
3) Dyad (from Latin duo-2)
Meeting and building an ideal relationship model can occur if the following three conditions are met:
- both partners are financially and psychologically independent from each other;
- in a couple there is a clear sense and understanding of the personal boundaries of each;
- common values: the partners have the same plans for building a family, children and further life together, and the differences are not critical for any of the partners.
I want to emphasize: there are no absolutely independent relationships. When people decide to live together, they willy-nilly become dependent. But this dependence does not become significant in their relationship if the three previous stages are observed.
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