Ban On Desires, Ban On Feelings

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today I want to touch on the topic of words, phrases with the help of which parents communicate with their children.

"Who cares what you want!" - we have heard more than once from parents, friends, colleagues.

“It's okay!” They said.

How so ?! We have the right to want, we have the right to desire. We can be sad, we can be angry.

This prohibition is especially relevant in parent-child relationships.

"Mom, I want this doll, I really want to …" - says my daughter. "Indeed, a very beautiful and unusual doll." - I answer. And we move on. The child realized that his wishes were respected, that his opinion was interesting. But this absolutely means that I will fulfill this desire here and now. Do you understand the difference ?! I heard, I understood, I respect the wishes of my child.

A child is running, has fallen, without bruises and abrasions. Goes to mom, cries "It hurts …". In most cases, he hears in response, "It's okay, it doesn't hurt." With this seemingly harmless phrase, mothers devalue the situation. Speaking at the same time: "Your experiences are meaningless, I do not need them, they are not interesting to me, hide your feelings, and it is better not to feel anything at all." And for a kid, this is a whole tragedy. Do not block his anger, sadness, sadness, in the future it will develop into hysteria.

Let's say "Yeah, suddenly you fell. You were in such a hurry to catch up with your friend, you liked this game so much, and then" bang "… You were upset that the game was interrupted. I see no wound, so, for sure, now it will hurt a minute and pass. " Let's help the children cope with his feelings. Help me to understand.

Everyone, both young and old, wants to hear something like that.

Imagine you come home from work and share with your husband: "Today the boss came out of sorts, and criticized my report, which I did all weekend, and even asked to stay" And your husband answered you: "What nonsense, who does not happen to" … How is it? Unpleasant, huh? And if you heard: “I saw how hard you worked on this report. Too bad your boss didn't appreciate it. No wonder you're upset. Hopefully tomorrow he will be in a better frame of mind. " Feel better?

It seems to be a play on words, but how it changes the whole picture.

Let's listen and hear each other regardless of age. And accept the feelings of your loved ones.

On this topic, there is a wonderful book by the authors Adele Faber Elaine Mazlish: "How to speak so that children listen, and how to listen so that children speak." The authors are very interesting in explaining how to learn to accept the needs of the child, and of himself with all his advantages and disadvantages.

The book is a treasure trove of life examples. Written in an accessible language, it is easy to digest. And, in my opinion, it applies not only to children.

Be mindful of what you say.