2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There are many articles and instructions on the important issue of how not to become a victim of bullying. Lists of what to do and what not to do are written; studies are conducted on "incentives" to which the crowd reacts, "recommendations for avoiding …" are written, and so on. and so on. All this is great, and there is a lot of useful information in such materials. Only one thing is superfluous. The focus of responsibility in all such texts is on the victim (what she didn’t please, what she didn’t, how she made a mistake) and advice is given only to the victim, the rest of the participants in the scheme, as if they didn’t exist at all.
Meanwhile, the victim of bullying never makes the decision to start it. Even if there are victim elements in her behavior, even if there are provocations. Bullying is always started - and supported - by someone outside, in the crowd. And I think that you need to write a manual for the "crowd" - for all the roles into which the group is decomposed in the event of bullying. Make it a “tip for avoidance” -for those who are willing to place the focus of responsibility for their actions at the right point. To myself. Perhaps - for those who have already had experience of participating in bullying or observing bullying. And also, for those who feel "something is wrong" in themselves, and want to change it. For those, finally, who are brave and stable enough to admit that they are "not that", and want to look into the abyss that is there, inside. It is unlikely that there will be many such people, but there should still be a manual. Because that's right.
Diving in? 1. A small but important educational program
The word "persecution" in Russian was originally a term referring to classical hunting, and this word meant the pursuit of an animal by a pack of dogs. In the wild, there are interactions that can also be called bullying - it is always an act or series of acts of a group against one. On the whole, there is a lot of "animal" in this phenomenon, therefore, its research is carried out, among other specialists, by ethologists.
The study of bullying as a phenomenon in human collectives (hazing, mobbing, bullying) began quite late, in the 70s, although the phenomenon itself existed, I think, for centuries. Therefore, the accumulated knowledge base cannot be said to be very large, and revolutionary discoveries are still taking place that turn the previously known schemes upside down.
The definition of bullying in its modern sense includes the following mandatory features:
- repeatability;
- intent;
- excess quantity;
- aggression.
It is believed that the essence of bullying is the redistribution of power, and its purpose is to cause fear in the victim.
Read and watch on the topic of bullying, artistic:
- "Scarecrow", the story of V. K. Zheleznikov and the film
- "Endless Book", Michael Ende
- "Black Swan Meadow" by David Mitchell, book.
- "White ball of Sailor Wilson" and "I will no longer, or Captain Sundukker's pistol", V. P. Krapivin
- "The hunted" - film, 1995
- "Class", an Estonian film
- "One against all" - film, 2012
- "Glass ball" - I. Lukyanova, book
- "Moral Harassment" - M. Iriguyan, book
- "The exception" - K. Jurgensen, book
- "19 minutes" - D. Picolt, book
- "Zamorysh", V. Vartan, book
- "Carrie" - S. King, novel
- "Mice" - G. Rice, book
- "Pupil" - A. Serezhkin, book
- "Before I Fall" - L. Oliver, book
- "Vera" - A. Bogoslovsky, book
- "Anna D'Arc" by Morten Sanden
- "The Chocolate War" by Robert Cormier
- "Pits" by Luis Sashar
- "Soon Thirty", Michael Gale (fragment of the book)
2. Roles
During bullying, the team is "divided" into five subgroups, according to the roles that people assume. The number of people taking on a particular role may not be the same. For bullying in its classical sense, the number of groups 1 + 2 + 3 must be more than 4 + 5.
- Initiators
- Helpers
- Observers
- Defenders
- Victims
If the bullying takes place not in a spontaneous collective, but in a group that has formal leaders (school, institute, work groups, forums with moderation, etc.), then these leaders who deny the problem are considered to belong to group 3 and "weigh" there is a lot in it, so much that just being there - they can greatly change the "distribution of forces" (this works and vice versa, in the case of active behavior of leaders in roles 2 or 4).
So, the "active" participants in the bullying, without a doubt, include representatives of groups 1 and 2. The "passive" participants in the bullying are representatives of group 3. Why are observers also considered participants? See below.
3. Manuals for each of the roles, with explanations and risk factors for getting into this role
A. Initiators
Many studies have revealed an interesting fact: often the initiators, in general, do nothing themselves. They skillfully "make porridge" and "add fuel to the fire", and all actions and all actual responsibility for them are with the assistants (for some reason, culinary metaphors turned out to be suitable, and they sound creepy in the context of the phenomenon under discussion). That is, the initiators, having started the persecution, often remain aloof from its actual episodes, remain "clean" (although not always, and not all). I think, in this regard, it would be appropriate to divide the initiators into active-aggressive and passive-aggressive.
Typical psychological traits:
- high aggressiveness (both its own and a great tolerance for aggressive behavior in general)
- a great need for power and subordination of others
- impulsivity, i.e. instant action in case of any feelings or desires, without thinking, awareness and control
- lack of sympathy, pity and empathy for people, or difficulty with this
- the value of "truth", "justice" or "retribution" as the highest end, justifying the means.
It used to be thought that initiators have low self-esteem and thus mask it. However, recent studies have refuted this. The typical initiator has rather high self-esteem and is quite confident in himself. Yes, and with impulsiveness, everything is not so simple: in a significant part of the research it was found that the initiators of the bullying act calmly and consciously, that is, there is more cruelty and sadism than a weakness of self-control.
You are at risk for this role if:
- you have already had experience of participating in bullying in this role
- you have childhood traumas and / or experiences of violence
- you have bouts of strong, "bestial" aggression, which is difficult or impossible for you to cope with
- it is very important for you to take a leading position in the group
- you enjoy other people's suffering (i.e. there is a sadistic radical)
- you are very angry with people who stand out from the crowd and differ from you
- you agree that there are actions for which bullying is an adequate punishment or reaction.
B. Assistant
This includes not only those who, at the whistle of the initiators, rush to do all the "dirty work" with their own hands; but also those who actively support the initiators in general - often they do not participate in the persecution, but they also do not criticize it as if it does not exist - but regularly and conscientiously express approval and give powerful support to the initiators in some other issues. So, there will also be a division into two groups: active helpers and passive helpers.
Typical psychological traits:
- fear of the group (yes, a huge percentage of conscientious active helpers are engaged in diverting aggression from themselves, and they are all sure that the better they torture others, the safer for them)
- the need for self-affirmation, while the lack of energy for their own initiative in this direction
- dependence on the opinion of others (in particular, stronger ones - initiators), insufficient individualization of values and behavior
- a tendency to relieve oneself of responsibility ("she provoked", "they made me angry")
- lack of mentalization, that is, the ability to establish complex connections between feelings, thoughts, actions and their consequences
- low ability for empathy, sympathy, pity (as an option - a sadistic radical, like the initiators)
You are at risk for this role if:
- you have already had experience of participating in bullying in this role (or as a victim! This is important)
- you have childhood traumas and / or experiences of violence
- it is important for you to be recognized (oh), popular (oh) in the group
- you easily "become infected" with other people's emotions and states
- you are comfortable in the role of the managed (oops) and you like to obey the rules
- you like the cult of "aggressive masculinity" (for men) or the idea of "a ball of kissing snakes", "snake nest" (for women)
B. Observers
As I mentioned above, the observation of bullying is, unfortunately, not at all indifference and not an expression of the position "I do not support this." Bullying refers to a group of phenomena in which a neutral position is simply impossible, and if it seems to be such, if it seems that it works against bullying - this is an illusion, a way of psychological defense. At the same time, for roles 1 and 2, tacit observation is, in fact, permissive: "I am comfortable enough from what is happening so that I remain indifferent." In addition, observers are never truly indifferent on the inside: observing the humiliation and suffering of a group member, they experience a range of strong feelings. Based on these feelings, I would also divide the observers into two groups: potential helpers and potential defenders.
Typical psychological traits:
- fear of being presented to the group (sometimes - fear of being presented in contact at all)
- depreciation as a leading psychological defense (reduce the "weight" of both good and bad)
- high tolerance for one's own discomfort
- a typical reaction to stress in the form of "freeze" (not "hit" or "run")
You are at risk of getting into this role if
- you have already had experience of participating in bullying in this role (or as a victim! This is important) -
- you have childhood traumas and / or experiences of violence
- you are convinced that the defense of the victim of bullying always leads to the recourse of bullying to the defender
- you have found something from the list of psychological traits of the Initiator or Helper, but it's hard for you to admit it
- you are "quiet" and try not to protrude too much - ideally, never
Here, in fact, this is the manual. There is a very small part left - but what, in fact, should be done by those who have found something of the above, admitted, and wants to do it? Here's what.
There are not many active bullying prevention and harm reduction programs in the world. One of them has been implemented in Norway at the state level, it has very good results (google "Olveus program"). Its focus is to reduce the "rewards" received by active participants in the bullying. This is one of the main, really effective areas of prevention.
Therefore, 1) look for the benefits you get in roles 1, 2, 3. And look for ways to get them differently, or give them up.
Often the aides or bystanders have themselves been victims of bullying or violence in the past. (Initiators - extremely rare) Their behavior is connected with this, they intensely try to get through the unprocessed traumatic experience in a different way than then. Closing a gestalt of such a plan is highly desirable to do with a specialist, since a simple repetition of scenarios with other roles is ineffective.
2) make contact with your traumas and unexperienced experiences in a psychotherapist's office. This will help you in general, and much more than the potential victims of your possible bullying.
Our behavior can be the result of unrecognized or denied personality traits. For example, very, very few succeed in admitting a sadistic radical. This does not mean that very few people have it - on the contrary, sometimes there is a feeling that literally every second person, but agreeing with its presence is so scary, embarrassing, and so strongly violates the "image of I" … Unfortunately, from suppression and denial of nothing does not disappear, on the contrary, it can acquire very unpleasant forms.
3) do not try to "remove" the ugly parts from yourself through denial and suppression, but invest in being in dialogue with them, in contact, in the world. To get them out of the gray zone and be able to handle them. The best way to do this is through psychotherapy, but just self-exploration and being honest with yourself helps.
Our actions are never spontaneous, usually it is a combination of "impulse - feeling - action", or "feeling - thought - action". Many people habitually skip these links immediately to the last, and act before they had time to think or feel. The magic is that sometimes stopping at the previous link in the chain makes the action itself unnecessary! Because it, for example, is aimed at avoiding meeting with feeling, and if the meeting took place, then you no longer need to avoid.
4) slow down between impulse and action, between feeling and action, between thought and action. Try to stop and be there, try to understand why you need this action, what process in your psychic reality it serves. And let the results surprise you!
* * *
And instead of a conclusion, I will write why this text appeared. This is not an idle question - after all, usually the aggressors not only do not want to change anything, but generally refuse to realize and acknowledge what is happening, even in small things. Therefore, such a text can only cause anger, but not the result. So why? I will answer.
I believe in people. Strange as it may seem, it is not only victims who come to therapy (although victims are more frequent). But nevertheless, aggressors also come, and former initiators of bullying, and people with experience of participation in bullying. Even former criminals, in general, come. They come for a reason. They want to change something, and they are ready to do something for this - amazingly, they can do it, and they do it. They change themselves, and change the environment around them for a healthier one. The other person becomes valuable to them, they begin to feel shame and admit damage, and they can make green, safe choices later on. This is not a mass phenomenon, but it does exist. I believe that it will grow in scale as people become more aware. And I also believe that if a person really wanted to change, those spots that he managed to put on himself in the past will no longer make him completely black.
Yes, bullying can never be completely overcome - it's impossible. It's only about raising awareness in ourselves, about understanding and recognizing something in ourselves. As you know, the unconscious is much more dangerous, because it becomes such a tail that wags the dog.
You can say that with this text I invite all readers to turn around and look at their tail.
Maybe it is ordinary, or maybe such that its owners have an increased risk of falling into a pack.
I want people, knowing the features of their tail, to be able to decide whether to be in the pack or not.
If there is at least one more “no” solution in the world, this text is not written in vain.
Recommended:
Do Not Trust, Do Not Fear, Do Not Ask! Woland's Trap
never ask for anything! Never and nothing, and especially with those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and they themselves will give everything! M.A. Bulgakov Do not trust, do not fear, do not ask! Here are two maxims that have inspired generations.
Stay Calm And Carry On! Or How Not To Become A Collected Rag
We really want to manage our lives: we carefully plan our affairs, avoid uncertainty. New Years Eve is the time to set goals for next year. To live without a purpose = live without a purpose. The other day I also drew up work plans for the next year.
How Not To Become A Victim Of Someone Who Is Always Bad
Source: Some people exude optimism, while others are constantly whining and complaining about life. Why do these unfortunates attract some of us like a magnet, although after communicating with them we feel like a squeezed lemon? We are involuntarily drawn into this person's problem and even feel guilty that everything is fine with us.
Do Not Believe. Do Not Be Afraid. Do Not Ask. It's Safer This Way
She sat in a chair and talked about the past week. Work non-stop, constant calls, meetings, she had a migraine attack, during which (of course) she stayed at work. She looked habitually optimistic and agitated, and at the same time tired - also habitually.
The Cult Of Personal Boundaries: How Not To Turn The Protection Of Your Individuality Into Bullying Other People
We learn to recognize toxic people and their manipulations and try not to violate our own boundaries with auto-aggressive behavior - from gluttony to Stakhanov's labor. Clinical psychologist, gestalt therapist, author of the books "About psychos"
