2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Mom. They are so different. Some are "ideal", others are not very … and still others, so in general - you can't look without tears. But, they are all mothers.
Today I want to talk, reflect on the "ideality" and "not ideal" in motherhood. Why is it so important for some mothers to be perfect, and for some it is impossible to convince them of their normality, and that in fact they are hiding behind skeletons in their closets. I will try to talk about this from my point of view, based on my experience and my knowledge.
And so, in psychology there is such a thing as a dynamic concept of personality.
She says that there are three types of personality: schizoid, neurotic and narcissistic (popularly simply: schizoid, neurotic and narcissist).
In fact, all of these parts are present in all of us. It's just that this or that part is more often “at the helm” than the others, and sometimes one part “rules” with the hands and feet of the other part, but that's another topic.
Today, I just want to talk about the narcissistic component. What's going on there? And how it manifests itself in the lives of mothers and children.
Narcissists are very vulnerable people. More precisely, they already have wounded places. If you approach them a little or find them, then you can immediately confront them with shame. Most often, this very shame is very strong, and often even toxic.
How does this all relate to motherhood, perhaps you are now asking. It's very simple. How will Mom Narcissus behave? More precisely, a mother who is "at the helm" of the narcissistic part?
There are actually two options.
Option one - "ideal mom."
This mom is always gorgeous. She is proud of all her achievements in raising a child, her children never get sick and she always looks amazing, she has everything in order with her figure (if not, then she is proud of her extra pounds), and she always knows everything better than anyone. In communicating with her, quite often there may appear a feeling that you pale against the background of her grandeur, and that you are constantly invited to the world of competitions, and in this world you … most likely lose.
Often around her there are a bunch of fan moms and those who envy her, and it seems as if the relationship with you is not important to her.. in principle it is, or they very quickly, because of some nonsense, lose value and your communication suddenly ends (for example, when you suddenly, God forbid, catch her on "not ideal").
Also, when you communicate, it often feels like you are not being heard, as if she has bananas in her ears and brains, that she is not able to sympathize and empathize. She says: “Don’t worry, let's better talk about me, that everything is awesome with me, or if you really, really want to, you’ll still think, because against your background I’m still more beautiful.” In general, most often it is "mom - ice".
Why is it so? What is it all for?
Remember I wrote above about shame? In fact, this mother is very afraid to face him, and covers all her wounded places with crowns. It's like armor.
Yes, her children are sick, and up to 2 years old do not go to the potty, and her cellulite is the same as that of the others, but if she does not deny it inside herself, not only in communication with you, she will face shame. And it will be very difficult for her. Shame is a very difficult experience, and this mother, on a subconscious level, is afraid of it like fire. Therefore, she will devalue the relationship that will bring her even a millimeter closer to him, she will say: "It was not me who moved away, they did everything to make it so." She does this because she gets hurt. This mother really needs support, and she really needs closeness, in fact, but she is so afraid of her that this closeness becomes toxic for her, because in closeness you open up and become real; and she really feels ashamed for her child, who at 2 years old does not go to the potty … but what a shame there, she feels shame that he does not go to the potty since birth, because he is not perfect, which means she too. Therefore, it simply falls out of contact, and you lose it.
The second version of Narcissus's mom is a mom who "you can't look at without tears."
This is the complete opposite of the “perfect mom”. This mom will tell you what kind of “ideal mom” you are and how wonderful everything is with you. And she will always hide her mind and not notice her achievements. For example, her child went to the potty soon after he sat down, and she will be sure that she was just lucky; or, for example, she plays sports and looks great … but damn it! No! She has a stretch here and there, and in fact, you are a beautiful princess, and she looks terrible against the background of you. This one also has bananas in her ears and brains, but only in relation not to you, but to herself. This mom is often afraid to leave the maternity leave because she thinks that she is not smart enough, and often she never comes out. And all because, unfortunately, she is ashamed.
In fact, this mother can be a very pleasant person, intelligent, educated, but … shame will not let her see this. As soon as you show her "+", she falls into shame, since this is not enough, your "measures" of goodness are different, because for you it may be "excellent", but for her it is a level that has not reached "satisfactory". And this cup of hers is, well, very difficult to fill. You may even get tired of doing this and want to distance yourself from such a mom.
Shame is a sore spot for narcissistic moms and often gets in the way of their happiness.
But what about their children, you ask?
These mothers often “feed” their children with the devices that they were “fed” with. For example, they know exactly from somewhere what an ideal mother should be, and they also know exactly what ideal children should be. Against this background, conflicts can often arise between them and the children. It is very difficult for these mothers to stop controlling everything around, evaluating and comparing themselves with everyone. In their head there is a clear installation that in order to be happy - you need to be the best, and the more you achieve, the happier you will be.. and children just need a mother, and no matter what she is, and what she has achieved, they need a mother who will be capable, being anyone, love them. Anyone. Whenever they go to the pot. This is the most important value - to feel love, and to be able to give it without shame.
In this article, I have given examples and talked about extremes. In fact, narcissism is not bad if it is in moderation. He moves towards development, if he does not imprison.
In any case, I recommend to all narcissistic mothers, and in general to all mothers, to try not to be lonely, to look around, to notice what is, other people, not to be isolated and to accept the care of loved ones, if offered and if at this moment you want to care … The appearance of a child is a crisis, it is an irreversible change, although it is beautiful (most often), and it is much easier to live through this crisis when someone is around.
That's all.
Good mood to everyone who reads.
Recommended:
How A Daughter Married Her Mother. Separation Of The Woman From The Mother
It often happens that a woman officially marries a man, but psychologically she is married to her beloved mother. - Mom, what should I wear? Will this dress fit? - Mom, my husband offended me. - Mom, look after our children while we are both at work.
Female Archetypes. Earthly Mother And Great Mother
Archetypes. Archetypes are the filling of our soul, it is the language in which we can speak with our unconscious. Only by establishing contact with our soul, we will be able to understand ourselves, our feelings and our actions. But the archetype is what lives in the soul of every person, no matter where in the world he lives, no matter what language he speaks, no matter the color of his skin, from his religion.
Difficult Client Or Difficult Psychotherapist?
Clients with whom psychotherapists find it difficult to communicate can be divided into two groups - some with chronic mental illness, others with personality disorders. Of course, these clients have the most pronounced disorders, as a rule, long-term ones, the prognosis for which is very doubtful.
This Is A Difficult, Pre-difficult Given. Do We Know How To Accept ?
Friends, I want to put the following question on our comprehension: how much we all and each of us individually are able to accept an important, but extremely undesirable part of our life - the one that we would like to, but in no way can we change?
The Ideal Woman Of Russia In The XXI Century. My Survey Destroyed All The Myths About The Ideal Woman From Gloss. Just Imagine What The Ideal Woman Means In The Opinion Of Men
The ideal woman of Russia in the XXI century. My poll shattered all the myths about the ideal glossy woman. Unfortunately, there is no single image of an ideal woman: it is always adapted for a specific period in the history of a particular people, for that specific social model, social role that a particular woman plays or wants to play.
