The Path To Independent Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

After all, if the stars are lit, it means that someone needs it? Vladimir Mayakovsky.

When I first heard these words, for some reason I attributed their authorship to Antoine de Saint-Exupery. It seemed that this is so typical of the little prince who traveled around the planet. He was distinguished by sensuality and responsibility. The most important truth for the rest of his life will be his words "We are responsible for those whom we have tamed."

Thus, these aphorisms were intertwined in my memory. And I think it is no coincidence that the thoughts of Mayakovsky and Exupery are like two sides of the same coin.

They reflect two processes in co-dependent relationships: idealization and hyper-nurturing. Someone more idealizes their loved one and makes a star out of him, and someone takes under their wing and takes care of their fan.

Such love is always realized at the moment of its realization. That is, not in a state of rest, but in the struggle and care for a loved one. Extreme forms are jealousy and overprotection.

Living with such a homemade star is filled with a sense of control and goodness. Overprotection over a partner creates the illusion of being needed and omnipotent. Both positions are aimed at maintaining the relationship and the illusion of eternal love.

But the problem is that merging relationships are fast-paced, tiresome. And what is paradoxical, in excess of intimacy leads to the death of love itself, there remains only a rigid dependence on a partner. Vladimir Mayakovsky proved this by his example, having burnt out in the heat of his own passion and constant desire to dissolve in love.

How can you test yourself and your feelings? Have you fallen into the trap of codependency? You can get the advice of a psychologist, but codependency is felt like a strong love and no one is in a hurry to be treated.

First, ask yourself.

- Whom do I love more, myself or my partner?

When a person pushes himself into second place, this is a wake-up call.

- Do you have secrets from your loved one, but secrets not related to your relationship?

If you always say everything to your loved one (oh) and think that everything needs to be told, most likely you are in a merger.

- Are your tastes the same?

A complete coincidence of tastes and hobbies for a couple is not good. And as Nietzsche wrote, "Although they say that there is no dispute about tastes, but what is life if not a dispute about tastes."

Awareness of your dependence on a person is the first step towards your real self.

In our life, codependent relationships are not uncommon, and when you realize that in a relationship you are a star, a fan, or both together, do not despair, this is just a stage on the path to love.

You can follow this path, changing partners or constantly parting and converging with the same person, the difference is not great. And it will take deciliters of tears, kilograms of candy and kilometers of nerves. This has happened before and will always be so.

Of course, not everyone is given to walk this path from love dependence to independent love. But the road will be mastered by the walking one.