2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Parents often think about the question: should they punish children for their misdeeds and if they do, then how? And if you do not punish, he will grow up spoiled, without borders, he will sit on his neck … Are there any other ways to cope with the child's wrong behavior?
Let me give you some real examples.
A boy (5 years old) does not want to clean up a construction set that is scattered all over the floor in the evenings. His parents persuade him to clean up before bed every day. Sometimes they threaten (“now we’ll take everything and give it to another boy”, “the toys will run away from you, you don’t follow them…”). Sometimes they are punished for the "mess" in the room. But this does not bring any results. A new battle resumes with renewed vigor the next day. Everyone gets tired of it, the child gets resistance, he gets angry. And it still doesn't. Or he cleans up after the parents tell him to get out 20 times. There is less and less patience for such persuasion, and everyone's irritation increases. At one point, the boy's mother gives the child a choice: either he is removed and tomorrow he will be able to continue playing the construction set, or she removes everything by herself … in a bag for 3 days. The boy doesn't believe her, but his mother stands her ground. Mom repeats to her son the choice he must make. The boy reluctantly cleans up, but not everything. Everything that remains on the carpet is raked into a bag and put on the shelf. The next day:
- Mom, I need a detail.
- It is put in a bag. We will get it in 3 days.
- Noooo. I want now.
“You didn't remove all the details yesterday. Those that were not put in the box, I put them in a bag and put them away.
- Dostaaaan….
- In 3 days I will get you all the details. But remember that if today or tomorrow something is lying on the floor, it will be sent in the same package for 3 days. And you, perhaps, will not have enough details for the construction of something beautiful and important …
After one more request, the boy goes to play "what's left" and in the evening, after ONE reminder, collects ALL the details from the designer into a box. The problem in this family is solved with one action and one dialogue.
Second story: a girl (3, 5 years old). In the mall, she stuck out her tongue at my mother. Mom tells her: "You should never show your tongue to adults." The girl does not hear and asks to buy her a balloon in a minute. Mom repeats: "You stuck your tongue out to mom, this is not right, we will not buy a balloon." The girl starts rolling on the floor, throwing a tantrum. Mom repeats about the tongue and the refusal in the ball. The girl continues to hysteria, rolling on the floor. Mom moves away, the child rolls a tantrum again, then another. Then, sobbing, he again remembers the ball and asks to buy it. Mom repeats: “You showed your mom your tongue, you can't do that. You can't show your tongue - to dad, mom, grandmother, any adults …”. After a while in the car, the girl herself says: "Mom, I will never stick out my tongue again." The situation was resolved thanks to the wise actions of the mother in the situation of the child's improper behavior. And the main thing is that the child (already at that age) made the right conclusions.
Third story. A child (4 years old) behaves badly at dinner: he constantly turns around, leaves the kitchen, plays with toys, crawls under the table, throws food. All the persuasions of the parents to sit down straight, not to twirl, to eat calmly - does not react. The parents introduced the rule: “If you don't want to eat, leave the table. But then you won't drink tea with sweets either. If the child protested, did not want to leave the table, mom (or dad) calmly approached him and took him out of the table. The child was hysterical at first, resisted, but then realized that his behavior caused him inconvenience and began to behave much better at the table.
All three of these stories are not about punishment. And about the consequences that parents introduce in order to teach their children to do the right thing in different situations. For parents, I leave the question open: should the child be punished for wrong behavior or introduced the consequences of his wrong choice?
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