On A Razor Blade

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

For many years I have worked with my parents, and to this day they often turn to me for advice from mothers and fathers. Mostly moms. And lately, I have been thinking more and more often about returning to work with teenagers too. For one simple reason - there are so few good psychologists for teenagers. And children enter adolescence earlier and they have no less problems, but more, because our world is changing faster and faster. I see them, confused, lonely, embarrassed by their growing bodies and hiding behind their long bangs a typical teenage expression of “nobody-loves-me-yes-and-myself-I-myself-not-very-so”. It is a pity for them terribly - in the end, we all had a chance to go through this hell, called youth.

But now I'm more about the parents. Sometimes they just need information about what is happening with the child. Over the past two months, three mothers have contacted me at once, frightened by the cuts on the arms of their children, so I decided to write about this in more detail.

If you rummage through the forums and blogs of teenagers, then self-harm (as it is scientifically called) pops up not so rarely. Most often these are small multiple cuts, sometimes burns, on areas of the body covered with clothing - on the arms, on the hips, on the stomach. It does not look very attractive and loved ones, as a rule, are horrified to find traces of cuts. There are many myths about self-harm:

Myth 1: This is how they try to attract attention to themselves

The bitter truth is that usually people hide traces of self-harm and do not at all try to manipulate loved ones in this way. They are ashamed of their scars and are afraid that someone will find them, this is one of the reasons why it is difficult for them to seek help.

Myth 2: They are crazy, they are dangerous

More often than not, these people suffer from mental pain, serious problems, or past trauma, like millions of others. Self-harm is their way of dealing with pain. They are no more crazy than most of the people around them, and labeling them as psychos only makes the situation worse.

Myth 3: These are suicide attempts

No. People who cut or burn themselves don't try to die. They are trying to overcome the heartache. "Cut this void," as one of the patients said. In fact, these cuts sometimes turn out to be what allows them to live. Although in the long term the risk of suicide in these people is higher than average, it is not because of cuts, of course, but because of prolonged depression.

Myth 4: If the cuts are not serious, then it's okay

Just because the cuts are shallow doesn't mean the pain isn't deep. Please do not think that there is nothing to worry about - "it will pass by itself." This is a symptom of serious mental problems that must be dealt with.

The act of self-harm is usually performed alone without witnesses. At the same time, many are tempted to show cuts to someone and share with at least one loved one. This fact, together with the fact that cuts are usually harmless, suggests that this is manipulation to attract attention. In most cases, this is not the correct conclusion. Among other things, cuts serve as a means of communication when a person cannot express how it hurts. But it's important to remember that self-harm most often speaks of trying to cope with unbearable mental pain.

According to those who cut their hands and cause other harm, this action brings pain relief and relief. The ritual itself - locking the door, breaking a razor or other blade, bandaging, hiding it under the sleeve - replaces the strong, all-consuming feeling that owns a person and helps to cope with it.

In addition or in addition to this, self-harm serves to "wake up" and reconnect with reality. Just as we sometimes feel like pinching ourselves to make sure it’s not a dream, a cut, burn, or other injury restores or reinforces a sense of reality. Patients often talk about how cuts help them return from the state of "frozenness", depression, unreality of this world and help them escape from the feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness.

Who are they?

Many researchers have tried to establish which traits are prone to self-harm. There is nothing surprising here, everything is quite logical. Low self-esteem, lack of flexible adaptation skills, high painful sensitivity to rejection, increased anxiety, tendency to suppress anger, etc. The majority of those with this syndrome, adolescent girls and young women, are generally well educated and highly intelligent.

There are several approaches to explain the origin of this syndrome

Biological: cuts and other self-harm actually alleviate mental suffering, unbearable tension and pain, bring calmness by releasing endorphins (natural substances like drugs produced in our body), therefore, when these ritual actions are repeated, not only psychological, but also partly physical dependence arises.

Psychological: Among women who inflict cuts and burns on themselves, there are many who have been abused and traumatized in childhood, often sexual. There are theories linking violence and self-harm. Violence usually makes the victim feel helpless and out of control. While self-mutilation is also violence, at the same time there is a sense of control over the situation, since the person does it himself. For some victims of sexual assault, this can create a sense of security against abuse, as they become unattractive and “unsuitable” for the abuser.

There is also a psychological theorythat cuts are a symbol of self-punishment for some kind of "sins", inner anger or feeling of "dirt". This can be an unconscious desire to redirect anger from an external source to yourself, a way of expressing aggression, sexual instincts, or any other strong repressed feelings. Sometimes "punishment" follows incontinence in eating, cuts are associated with eating disorders. The girl tries to lose weight, once again raids the refrigerator and "takes revenge" on herself by cutting her hand. Or trying to keep himself from an attack of gluttony with the pain of a cut.

Sometimes this can be one of the manifestations of the borderline personality type.… Such people suffer from a very strong fear that close and loved ones will be abandoned, abandoned and cannot cope with emotions of enormous power in another way. In this case, cuts may just be part of the manipulations with the help of which a person is trying to tie loved ones to himself and attract attention. Although, most likely, this manipulation is unconscious.

For each person, self-harm means something different, but very often it is the inability to express feelings in another way. For some reason, these people (most often girls and young women) did not learn or could not express their emotions, because they were not heard. Cuts serve as a kind of language for them, with which they try to speak out, express their pain, enter into a dialogue with people who are significant to them.

So what can you do about it?

"Cutting your hands does not mean solving the problem", "You only make yourself worse", "It will become a habit for you", "In 10-15 years, you will suffer from these ugly scars", "If I see you at least one more cut …"

These or similar phrases are heard by each of those whose scars are found by loved ones. Not that it helped. After all, the problem is not the cuts, they are only a symptom. Trying to stop cuts without understanding the root of the problem is doomed to failure. At the same time, it is quite natural that loved ones, and especially parents, experience fear, shock and even disgust when they find cuts on the hands of a teenager, friend, beloved girl (see myths). Therefore, first you need to cope with your feelings and calm down.

After that, it makes sense to carefully figure out what is going on. Talking about this will not be easy, but hiding your suspicions and concerns is even worse. This is a dead end. Be prepared for the fact that the person does not want to immediately talk about what is happening. That is, to put it simply, you will be sent away in one form or another. You don't have to push anyone against the wall, but be sure to say that you have noticed cuts, you are worried and it is important for you to know what is happening to him. You are ready to wait until your friend or loved one is ready to talk, but it is imperative to talk. It is definitely not worth condemning and criticizing, it will only get worse. There is enough shame and guilt for those who struggle with heartache in this way.

No ultimatums, threats or punishments are needed. One of my patients, a young woman, said that her boyfriend put the question bluntly, "Either you stop cutting your hands, or I leave you." Needless to say, it didn't help? It is much more important to offer a person the opportunity to turn to you at any moment when he is experiencing the very pain, fear, tension that make him grab the blade.

When talking, focus on the feelings that are causing the person to cut themselves rather than the actions themselves. Think together how you can help. Will it be easier for him if he just speaks out, or does he need specific advice? Often, self-harm is characteristic of adolescents and young people who, in principle, find it difficult to communicate and even more so to talk about such intimate things. It might be easier to write. The epistolary genre is undergoing an electronic renaissance and should not be underestimated. Sometimes what is difficult to say can be formulated in a letter - no one rushes you, does not interrupt, does not interfere with choosing words. Suggest this version of the conversation or ask it by writing first.

If the ice has already broken and you are talking about this topic more or less openly, try to find out more specifically what makes a person cut himself. What are these feelings and what is their reason? Invite him to think about it himself. Finding out the reason is the first step to liberation, because knowing what the matter is, you can try various techniques that can alleviate the situation and keep from self-harm.

Here are some “home remedies” for dealing with the situation. They are often effective

If a person cuts themselves to express intense pain or intense distress, you can:

• Draw, draw, scribble on a large sheet of paper with red ink, paint, or felt-tip pens
• Write your feelings in your diary. At the same time, it is better on paper and it does not matter what. Let it be one hundred and thirty-seven times "I don't know what to do, I am furious, I hate, I am scared …" Anything.
• Compose poetry or a song about what is happening to you. Or paint a picture. Depends on what the inclination is.
• Write down what you feel on paper, then tear it to shreds and burn it.
• Listen to music that expresses your feelings. Actually, this is largely the basis of the emo subculture, among which self-harm is very common.

If a person is trying to calm down and calm down anxiety, you can

• Take a bath or warm shower
• Play or walk with pets. In general, in such a situation it is worth thinking about getting a cat or dog, if, of course, there is a desire. Communicating with animals helps a lot.
• Wrap yourself up in something warm and cozy
• Massage your neck, arms, legs and feet.
• Listen to calm music

If a person feels emptiness, loneliness, "frozenness", isolation from the world:

• Call someone who is easy to communicate with. At the same time, it is absolutely not necessary to say exactly that you unbearably want to cut your hand, it is enough just to talk to someone alive.
• Take a cold shower.
• Attach an ice cube to your neck.
• Chew something with a sharp, bright taste - pepper, lemon.
• Find in advance a forum, chat, a community of those with whom you can share a similar problem, so that in case of an "attack" you can talk there.

If cuts are used to release anger or tension, you can:

• Exercise - jogging, jumping rope, dancing or punching a bag or punching bag.
• You can also beat a pillow, you can bite and scream it with all your might.
• Inflate and pop balls
• Rip paper or magazines
• Arrange a concert of "percussion instruments" using available means in the form of pots or other "drums".

The ubiquitous British scientists advise to try as "replacement therapy":

• Draw stripes with a red pen or felt-tip pen where cuts are usually made
• Run an ice cube several times where cuts are usually made
• Wear a rubber bracelet on your wrist that you can twist instead of cutting yourself.

Home methods do not always help, and if you see that the situation is not improving, it is best, of course, to consult a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist. I know that many people are afraid that such a person will be written into a "psycho", especially when it comes to cuts (again, see the myths). But professionals are familiar with this problem and know that in most cases there is no smell of psychiatry. Self-harm is an effective coping mechanism developed and internalized by this person. In order to replace it with something healthier, long-term painstaking work is needed to identify the causes and patiently build up mental "muscles" that can withstand stress without such extreme actions.

Psychotherapy carefully reveals the deep personal meaning of the act of self-harm for a particular person and at the same time helps to develop the skills of resilience and self-control. Most therapists do not require immediate cessation of cuts as a condition of therapy, but they tend to set boundaries. For example, in some therapies, the client is required to call the therapist whenever he feels the urge to cut himself. Talking to a therapist is often enough to prevent this. If the client nevertheless cuts himself, then he cannot contact the therapist for 24 hours after that.

Psychotherapy in this case (as well as in others, however) teaches a person to contact with his feelings, to understand what is happening to him now, how to react to it and how to cope with it. In general, psychotherapy is about teaching and about growing those parts of the mental organism that, for some reason, did not grow naturally. And growing something is not quick. And failures happen, and relapses. So you should not be afraid and even more despair.

As always, I have good news for you. Sometimes cuts on the hands are a kind of "growing pain" that goes away on its own. Therefore, you should not immediately panic. And not right away either. Talk, love, observe and be patient. Remember the main thing - this is always a lack of human contact with the outside world. Therefore, the most important contact is to cherish and cherish.