Parents: Can't Be Pardoned To Execute?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today there is a lot of talk about parents and children. About the influence that early relationship with the mother, a little later - with the father has on the development of personality. Two "camps" immediately arose: those who see the influence of the unfortunate in everything, the guilty parents in all problems, and those who take the opposite position - no matter what the parents did and how they behaved, they are generally holy people, and you yourself the creator, the cause of his troubles, and everything depends on you. And as usual, between these positions somewhere in the middle lies the truth.

Of course, we ourselves create ourselves and our lives, but, of course, the traumas of early and not so childhood directly affect all of us. At the same time, “to blame” the parents (unless, of course, we are talking about direct violence or incest - this is a separate topic) is not only ungrateful, but, in general, unhelpful - since it is unproductive for a specific “me” and does not lead to a change in the inner picture of oneself, one's capabilities and needs, as well as one's world.

Here it is rather important, as I see it, to recognize their parental, not always positive (and sometimes even destructive) influence on our development and growing up, thereby restoring justice. And the question of establishing the degree of their guilt is not within our competence - after all, we are not judges.

But already after the true acceptance of what happened, which includes the very recognition of the fact of insufficiency, absence or excessiveness of parental intervention, love, understanding, allowing oneself to be oneself, and so on; after allowing yourself to express (and for a start at least to voice - even this can be very difficult) your own feelings and experiences on all these occasions; after mourning the less received and anger at the excessive, and so on and so on, only after all this can we say that your life really depends on you. That the choices you make are determined by your own current feelings and considerations, and not by the consequences of an early or not very psychotrauma. That they, these choices, do not result from childish desaturation, which will not be saturated even then, but, being transferred from the unconscious to consciousness, will cease to exert such a huge (and, importantly, shadow) influence.

Summing up, I would like to say that everything that happened and is happening in each personal story is due to many factors. And among these factors there will inevitably be positively influencing and negatively - this is about the fact that both we and our parents and grandparents are imperfect. It is impossible to completely avoid flaws and wrong behavior in parenting, therefore it will not be fair to completely shift responsibility for your fate to your parents, or completely remove it. This is such an ambiguous question, however, like our whole life.