2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One woman complained about her husband. - I'm tired. He made himself very comfortable. Until you are reminded a hundred times of what needs to be done, he will not even move. Initiatives are zero. He doesn't care about problems that make my head explode, he doesn't care how to solve them. - It turns out that he is indifferent to what is important to you? - Absolutely. I speak like peas against a wall! - And what is he himself interested in? - All nonsense. Anything, just not to notice, not to solve real problems. Egoist, only thinks of himself, - the woman answered irritably. A curtain. The cycle of indifference and selfishness in relationships. An interesting story turns out. Not revealing some of our inner traits, we "give birth" with the help of projection, an object that irritates these traits outside. Now we are sure that the whole point is in the other (and in whom else), not noticing that the degree of irritating manifestations in the other is the stronger, the more we refuse to notice similar ones in ourselves. They may exist in something else, but because of the refusal to recognize ourselves in something the same, we “give” them to another, which makes it seem that there are even more of them in him. So we compete, which of the two of us is more selfish, insensitive, is no longer right.
At some point in my life, I myself am the woman who complains about her husband and wants him to change. It seems to me that my position is the most correct and takes into account common interests. A sequence of actions is built in my head and it is clearly distributed who does what, how and what. But I break off, because my husband does as he can and wants. Or he doesn't do it at all, because he also has a position and a plan of action. I would like to talk about this, but, often, at the moment, emotions are off the charts. I don’t want to understand anything, to get into the situation, but I want him to just do as I want sometimes, to take all the worries upon himself, to acknowledge the importance of my desires, to convince that it is normal to be so that anyone appreciates me. At such moments, I look around and see only myself: my loneliness, fatigue, resentment, I feel alternately anger and impotence. I understand that I am faced with the need to make some kind of volitional decision and freeze at this point. I freeze inside, but outwardly I continue to demonstrate resentment, indifference, arrogance. And at other times, not without the help of my psychotherapist, it is already possible to see something else. I ask myself questions. And what does this man (my husband) feel next to me? How does it feel for him to feel that his woman does not believe in him, that she demands to be someone he has not yet become? Perhaps he senses danger, so he defends himself by sabotaging requests? Or offense? Or anger? Or despair? Do I have the right to demand something from him if I myself am on the defensive and closed to requests? If I believe that he influences my sensation around him, then, probably, I also influence his sensation around me? We are part of a common field of interaction and mutually condition each other's behavior. You can, of course, argue with each other for a long time, which of us is the biggest "asshole", but why? And although outwardly we demonstrate different ways of behavior, perhaps, deep down, we feel the same thing? This does not diminish my feelings in any way, does not cancel the experiences I wrote about above, but it helps to get out of the inner sacrifice. See someone else besides yourself. Remind you that on the other side of the relationship, the situation looks different. It is not clear how, but you can talk about this with each other, sometimes wondering how the other is doing differently, how differently we see one situation and why did it happen? Relationships are a great school for personal growth. R. Skiner has wonderful words in his book “The Family and How to Survive in It”. “Your partner is the person with whom you will grow up the fastest, but also the one with whom you are most likely to get stuck. Besides, you may hate him as much as anyone else in the world. It all depends on how much the married couple is willing to admit what is hidden behind the “screen”, how ready to look “behind the screen”. The more willingness and courage they have to admit the unpleasant fact that they are far from imaginary "self-portraits", the more likely they are to cope with problems if they arise."
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